Microthoughts

I've never asked for anything aside from video game related stuff for Christmas throughout my entire life.

I would miss my family and friends if I moved to California, but I realize that I need to make some sacrifices in order to be with her.

In the end, it will all be worth it just to be with her, but right now, everything seems very daunting and I'm truthfully terrified.

I hope she's willing to deal with my fears and hold my hand to see me through this whole process.

I really want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and let the sorrows of the world fade away.

"Married... With Children" is a hilarious show; even funnier now that I'm watching it as an understanding adult.

"MagnaCarta 2" is a totally awesome game, even if it does have cliche characters and a very basic story.

I love writing, even if no one in the world cares about what I say.

WWE listed a link to my review for "Smackdown vs. Raw 2010" as the #4 on the list.

La Roux is my latest musical addiction.

Mom has been grinding us about Christmas and I seriously have no idea what to ask for.

I feel terrible because I probably wont have enough money to buy any sort of gifts for Christmas this year.

The process of obtaining a GED seems to suck ass in the state of Maryland.

My oldest niece is truly mean to me, yet I've never done anything wrong to her.

My sister lets my oldest niece treat me like shit and even provokes her into doing so sometimes.

I love to laugh.

I think I'm going to go watch "Dragon" videos at some point today because he's hilarious.

Jim Gaffigan is funny as balls.

I'm actually starting to like "World of Warcraft", but only so long as I'm playing with her.

I've been working on a new Hunter in WoW in the hopes that I can play it with her eventually.

Aion was awesome at first, but a few things about the quest design really annoy me.

I'll play Aion again in a few months, but right now it just isn't a factor.

I might reactivate FFXI for a while and play it on the side if I can get my group together.

I wonder if she'll play FFXI with me, at least for a while?

I wish I had the money for a full set of music courses at the California College of Music.

Good night.

Number one...

I've come to the conclusion that, no matter how hard I try, I instinctively lie about many very small things, almost exclusively to my family, in order to cover my own ass. I don't lie about anything serious and while I have nothing to fear due to my open personality, I realize that there's no justification for any amount of lying. In my defense, I do this because of family drama. My family goes crazy over the stupidest things, no matter who did what thing or where it happened, so I naturally go with whatever answer puts me in the safer side of the situation. I even go as far as to seriously defend myself, even knowing I've just told a lie in the event that I actually did cause whatever is going on. Typically, it's the smallest things, such as eating something that I didn't know was someone else's. Who can blame me for that, though? We have 3 children and 6 adults iving in this house and we all share the same kitchen and pantry area. If something isn't labeled or bagged, it's generally considered free game, so I naturally assume something is for "the house", as we say here, if it does not meet that criterea. Sometimes, though, people don't follow the rules and I get yelled at, so I just try my best to avoid the drama and lie about it if it's my fault. The sad part is, it's almost always stupid little things like that. I don't really lie about anything serious or mindblowing. Still, it makes me feel like a terrible human being because I know that there's a part of me that naturally tells lies.

This whole thing is crazy. I see no reason to lie. I advocate honesty at every stop. I always tell people the truth when I speak to them, I rarely ever lie about my past and when I do, it's to get someone to back off; I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. The few lies I do stand by are harmless and generally only exist because I stretched the truth once and it got out of hand. I don't hurt anyone with these small lies, nor do I alter who I actually am as a person. I'm not one for distorting the image of who you are. I'd rather people know me and choose to love or hate me up front and on the spot. Life just seems better that way, considering there's a lot less drama than there would be otherwise.

Ultimately, I've concluded that I tell these stupid and damn near harmless lies in an attempt to look after myself. It may not be a matter of life or death, but it sure does save me a lot of headaches.

In other news, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of very many things. I love life, but in turn, I fear death. I fear spiders. I fear any bug that looks crazy. I don't believe in ghosts, but I fear them if I'm alone when the lights are out. I fear being single forever. I fear falling for the wrong person. I fear heights. I fear
losing certain people.

There's a whole lot more, but that's a brief example of things I fear, details excluded. To be more specific about something recent, though, I fear that I may be developing feelings for someone that I've yet to even meet in person. These feelings are not very deep right now and hell, I could write it off as a crush, but if things play out a certain way, I wont be able to help myself. I know how I am. I hate long distance relationships, but if things seem to be going very well, I always put my heart and soul into it and try as hard as I can to make it work. I don't want to have another long distance relationship and I have to keep telling myself to back off before it goes down that road. Besides, even if there ever were a possibility for her to move out here or something, I doubt she'd find me appealing enough to do such a thing.

Anyway, none of that truly matters. I don't think that I'm stupid enough to fall for someone who lives more than a half an hour away anymore. That's not even counting the fact that I care about her as a friend and I'd hate to ruin that, but whatever. As of right now, I think it's time for me to at least attempt to get some sleep. Here's to hoping that the panic attacks don't strike for a third night in a row!

Steve out! Take care!

The way things are...

Hello there. It's been a while, huh? Life just spun itself back into place and as such, I had less of a reason to vent and blog. I've discovered that blogging, for me anyway, is a way of unleashing bent up emotions. Lately, I haven't really had much of a reason to vent because life just hasn't been too shabby!

First of all, my friends are fucking amazing. I've been spending far more time with the friends who have been there all along and getting more acquainted with those who I should have become closer to in the first place. Not only are these people the ones who care about me, they genuinely enjoy my company and try their best to include me whenever they can. That's the kind of friendship I cherish and the feelings are mutual, full circle! This alone is what caused me to keep my head up high and really let loose.

Next, without Chrissy, April, Jillian and the others from that circle of people, life has been much better than it once was. Until now, I hadn't really thought about them very much at all. I've completely realized that I'm better off without some people, which has kept me generally safe from drama and stupidity.

Finally, although it's still not done, the final process of going up and taking the GED tests is in the works, which means I can start working for real and making real money soon. The fact that it's within' my grasp is a big deal for me, given that I can finally get my life back on track.

With those major bits out of the way, I suppose I'll fill you in on some general stuff.

I started playing "Aion" around 9PM EST, after having purchased it an hour earlier. The beta was okay, but I'm enjoying the game a lot more now that it's completely open to the public. I have friends who play it now, too, so that helps. The combat is what hooks me most of all, given how deep it really is. It actually requires some degree of thought and skill to play the game well. That's quite an accomplishment for a modern MMORPG, you know!

Moving on, there are no direct or serious love interests in my life, but I've come to realize that I don't have a shot with the people that I have even a mild interest in right now. A few of the ladies I hang around are awesome and I'd be happy to go after something real with one of them, but I'm just being a realist. I'm better off not trying with those girls and I'm okay with that, given that we have healthy friendships. I have a clear head and I'm not upset by this at all.

Speaking of love interests, Kristy, the Australian ex-girlfriend of mine, popped back up recently. Or rather, I should say that she never completely went away. We have very basic, although fun and healthy conversations every so often, but I don't really think of her as more than a friend anymore. I'll admit that I would really try for something with her if we weren't across the globe from one another, as would she, but it's just not possible and we've both come to realize it, so we have a healthy friendship. We both intentionally distance ourselves here and there to prevent any misplaced feelings, but it all works out.

There's a lot more that I could talk about, but I really don't feel up to the task of writing as much as I could right now. Rest assured, though... most of the things on my mind are wonderful. I just need to get back on track with a few things and life is grand!

So, on that note, have a good day! Steve out! Take care!

-S

Wtf?

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people. No matter how close you are to someone, you think you know them and it just all backfires.

I've been really trying to get with April. She's such an awesome girl, but she wants nothing to do with me. I've been flirting back and forth with her and I've been trying my best to juggle all sorts of friendship and make life work out, but guess what? It just isn't working! She just wants other guys and just considers me a basic friend, at best!

I'm a genuinely honest guy and I try my best to put as much effort into my friendships as possible, but I always get fucked over. In the long run, I lose all but my closest friends and walk away with nothing to show for my many journeys through life.

What is it with people? I can show my heart to it's fullest and really prove that I love any singled out family member or close friend, but they always act like I've never done a fucking thing for them. WHY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

I seriously wish that I had the strength to end my own life and walk away from this fucked up world. I feel like I would be doing the world a favor. No matter how hard I try, I just can't win...

I need someone; anyone. I just need to hold and be held. I need to love and to be loved. I need to know that I am appreciated. It just...isn't happening..

-S

A.O.K.

What is hope without faith?

What is trust without honesty?

What is courage without bravery?

These days, people seem to think that you can have one without the other. In all of the above cases, as well as many others, it's simply not possible to expect one without the other. In order to receive trust, you must give honesty. In order to have hope, you must have faith. In order to be brave, you must have courage. So, what does this have to do with anything? Simply put: everything.

Lately, I've been feeling both more important and completely insigificant. It's a rather odd combination of feelings, given that one is not usually associate with the other to this extreme...

It all started with Chrissy...

One night, I convinced her to come out to Mac's. She drove me there instead of my other friend and we arrived almost an hour early, which worked out because they sold me my drinking cup early. We had a long and rather repetitious conversation about her and her on and off again ex-boyfriend, but when my other friends and general crowds of people started showing up, the party started heating up.

Eventually, Chrissy told me that she had convinced one of her friends that I had never met to join us. This friend of hers needed a ride, so Chrissy left for a few moments to pick her up. When they came back, I was introduced and immediately jumped into conversation mode, which led Chrissy to inform me that her friend thought one of my friends was cute.

Now, I don't know if there are any feelings associated with that or if it's just a pure shallow and up-front personality judgement, but she seems to like him. However, she also seems to like me. Therein lays the problem, considering my friend does not want to date a younger girl, but he's not even supposed to know that she likes him in the first place, which means I have to sit there in the middle and just sorta' deal wit it.

But anyway, sticking to the point, she says a lot of very flirty things and leads me and others to believe that she is extremely interested in me. Then, she'll turn around and say one or two things that almost seem to completely contradict the initial statements. It's extremely confusing and I have no idea how to handle this, but I do like her. She has a great personality, she's very fun to talk to, she's a wonderful person to be around and she has a lot in common with me. To top it off, she's a very pretty girl with beautiful "Sunflower eyes", as she calls them. They really do look like sunflowers, though! It's crazy!

So, I'm at the point now where I want to just do something romantic, pull out all stops and just get a straight answer from her. I figure, I have not developed serious feelings for her, but I'd still like to know what's possible. She has serious potential to be someone that I can be with and I'd at least like to know what she thinks of me.

Honestly, I feel like I really should move on, but that I should not have to settle. I'm not picky about appearances and I'm a very easy person to please, but it's so god damn hard to find a female who can be honest all of the time and remain loyal over a long-term period of time. Not only that, but I'd like to be with someone who shares a few similar interests. I don't want to be in another sex-based relationship. I also don't want to be a part of any relationship in which I have nothing to talk about. I get quiet sometimes, but it's important to be able to share laughs and at least discuss the day at hand. Too many people overlook such simple things or just don't find most things funny and it's rather depressing.

In summary, this new girl represents everything that I really look for in a woman, although I've only known her for just over 2 weeks and we've only actually spent time together once since our first introduction. We do talk a good bit on a daily basis, though. We both find it almost creepy that we have so much in common, but it's a good thing! It's what keeps us going! It's what makes me consider the possibilities! But anyway...

This blog post is all over the place, although it tells the same story, but I don't have much else to say. Or maybe I should say that I have too much to say, but I honestly don't feel like writing that much. There's a large amount of stuff going on in my life, but I may sit this round out and tell a new story when this arc of my life is over. Either way, wish me luck with this girl!

For now, I'm going to relax, converse and listen to some music while I wait on my Diphenhydramine to kick in so I can get some real sleep. Steve out! Take care!

-S

The one-sided end of a very long journey...

So, there's some rather big news in my house right now. I'd like to say a few things before I get into the details, though...

I know that people have problems and that everyone argues at some point. No person is perfect in the literal sense. When we find that special person, we all lose certain innate abilities in relation to that special person. We do things for them that may hurt us, even bringing ourselves to the breaking point just to make that special person feel loved. In the end, a perfect relationship should never involve such things because both people are happy with what they have. Both people are supposed to be happy with each other and the life that they share. If you have to try that hard in order to make another person happy, then it's simply not meant to be; it's not love at all.

So, that said, I'd like to open this story with a bit of background...

First, I'd like to talk a bit about my brother in-law. At first, I'll admit that he came off as the same sort of person that I would normally avoid. I did not like him when they first started dating. In fact, I thought he was just as bad as most of her ex-boyfriend. When she broke up with her boyfriend at the time in order to start dating my brother in-law, that was nothing new. She'd done that many times in the past. She's had many boyfriends throughout her life and every single one of them was a douchebag. That is, until Justin...

You see, over time, I got to know a bit about Justin, where he came from, what he'd been through and most importantly, how much he genuinely cared about my sister. Every man before Justin either left Amy or got dumped by Amy for all sorts of stupid reasons, but ultimately, she just never seemed to care. Justin actually dealt with all of her problems and tolerated her daily insults. For a very long time, he did everything in his power to make his life with my sister work. He gave her money, spoiled her with gifts and simply wanted time to relax, wind down and sleep every day. They have two children, aged 4 and 6 at the time of this writing and no, Justin has not had much time over the years to really be a daddy. He works very hard and far too often to be the best father that he can be. It's a terrible reality to face, but it's a necessary thing because they need the money very badly. After all, it's not easy to keep up with two kids and a greedy, immature wife.

Moving on, my sister expected far too much out of him. She didn't want to move out, regardless of the places Justin had found. He had an apartment lined up, but my sister did not want to move out because she's too snotty. She refused to have anything less than a house, which they simply can not afford, especially at this point. Instead, she chose to force her entire family to live in our very small basement, as if that's better than an apartment.

Now, I don't claim to know everything, but in my opinion, my sister is at fault for everything that went down. She had been hiding all sorts of credit card bills that she was letting build up. She lied to him about that stuff, let it get out of control, couldn't afford to pay them off and then acted like it was no big deal when she was caught. She cheated on my brother in-law and was going out with some guy from MySpace. Not only that, but she hid it and apparently lied about it, then turned around and acted like what she did was perfectly okay, as if it's a totally cool and acceptable thing to just cheat on her husband. Apparently being a worthless human being is the cool thing to do.

I mean, come on! Justin was never the best person in the world, but he was respectful, for the most part. He did things for his family, he took his son fishing, he gave Amy money when she needed it for the kids and even her own personal expenses. He never really lied to her. He never cheated on her. The only real thing that he did wrong was not be her slave. He took a stand and ultimately, broke free from her deathly hold on his life. He was unhappy. He was never allowed to go out. He was always bitched at if he saw a naked woman anywhere, even if it was a simple nip slip in a PG-13 movie. Amy always assumed the worst and made his life a literal living hell. The worst part is that her and my Mother both think that Justin did all sorts of things wrong. They both genuinely feel that he was equally at fault for the decline of their relationship. I say: FUCK that! Justin did far better than anyone else ever could or will do when it comes to my sister. He even tried to get relationship AND personal therapy for the both of them, but she refused to go. She simply didn't want to and thought that she didn't need it.

In short: My sister is full of herself and my Mother supports her in being that way, yet somehow they think that my brother in-law is at fault for everything. They're just blind and they need to feel like they're in the right, I guess. I don't really know what goes on inside of their fucked up heads, but this is a very sad day for our family. Justin is gone. He left Amy and they're getting a divorce. He finally threw in the towel, told her what's up and just walked away. He's going to try to be a part of the children's lives, but otherwise, this is it. Not only does it make things harder on my sister, who will soon learn what it's like to not have money for anything again, but Justin did a lot for us. He did a lot of cleaning, house work and even paid a few of the major bills. He had no problem at all contributing when he was asked to do so, even when he was "forced" to wake up after working for 16 hours and getting less than 4 hours of sleep. He'd complain sometimes, but at the end of the day, he was a simple man with simple wants that got locked into a relationship with a girl that no man can handle.

In conclusion, although he wont see this for a while, I'd like to say that Justin will be missed. It's grown now to the point that I feel like a real sibling is leaving the family. Our lives are all going to be a lot harder, especially the lives of his children and it's going to be a long time before I can accept another man into our lives as my sister's boyfriend or perhaps even her husband...

The storm only grows more harsh with each passing day and soon, my sister is going to learn what it's like to live a hard life...

There's a whole lot more that simply has not been said, but for now, I need to head out. Thank you for reading this. I don't know what happens next yet, but I'll be sure to post it when I find out. Take care. Steve out...

-S

Changes

Today's blog is going to be a short series of summaries. Here goes!

I went to Otakon. Friday sucked. Saturday rocked. I got back in touch with a few cool people from my DDR days.

I hung out with my "close" female cousin on wed., who came out to the bar with me. The entire time, she was on the phone back and forth with her girlfriend. I felt pushed aside. How rude!

I can't really go to Ocean City this year, so one of my primary major events of the summer is canceled. My ride is leaving on the date of my cousin's wedding, which I happen to be a part of. I'm happy, but also a bit distraught. I miss Ocean City! It's been a while!

I've been practicing harmony with my voice. It's actually coming along a bit better now, but it's actually a difficult skill to master, even for someone who's naturally good at singing!

I'm having money issues, but I should have my GED soon. The money for that is prepped and ready. Almost everything else, however, is on hold until I start my job at Comcast.

My computer is having a hard drive failure, so I'll need to buy a new drive sometime in the near future. Yet another expensive/nuisance.

I've been less into playing video games lately because I've had so much stuff on my mind; I'm stressed as hell. I could go for some cuddling with someone I trust right about now. Such a simple thing would help a lot, but hey, I can't expect that when I'm not dating. Hahah. Ah well!

I have more to say, but I just don't feel like writing more right now.

Steve out! Take care!

-S