Thursday, October 29, 2009


I've never asked for anything aside from video game related stuff for Christmas throughout my entire life.

I would miss my family and friends if I moved to California, but I realize that I need to make some sacrifices in order to be with her.

In the end, it will all be worth it just to be with her, but right now, everything seems very daunting and I'm truthfully terrified.

I hope she's willing to deal with my fears and hold my hand to see me through this whole process.

I really want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and let the sorrows of the world fade away.

"Married... With Children" is a hilarious show; even funnier now that I'm watching it as an understanding adult.

"MagnaCarta 2" is a totally awesome game, even if it does have cliche characters and a very basic story.

I love writing, even if no one in the world cares about what I say.

WWE listed a link to my review for "Smackdown vs. Raw 2010" as the #4 on the list.

La Roux is my latest musical addiction.

Mom has been grinding us about Christmas and I seriously have no idea what to ask for.

I feel terrible because I probably wont have enough money to buy any sort of gifts for Christmas this year.

The process of obtaining a GED seems to suck ass in the state of Maryland.

My oldest niece is truly mean to me, yet I've never done anything wrong to her.

My sister lets my oldest niece treat me like shit and even provokes her into doing so sometimes.

I love to laugh.

I think I'm going to go watch "Dragon" videos at some point today because he's hilarious.

Jim Gaffigan is funny as balls.

I'm actually starting to like "World of Warcraft", but only so long as I'm playing with her.

I've been working on a new Hunter in WoW in the hopes that I can play it with her eventually.

Aion was awesome at first, but a few things about the quest design really annoy me.

I'll play Aion again in a few months, but right now it just isn't a factor.

I might reactivate FFXI for a while and play it on the side if I can get my group together.

I wonder if she'll play FFXI with me, at least for a while?

I wish I had the money for a full set of music courses at the California College of Music.

Good night.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Number one...

I've come to the conclusion that, no matter how hard I try, I instinctively lie about many very small things, almost exclusively to my family, in order to cover my own ass. I don't lie about anything serious and while I have nothing to fear due to my open personality, I realize that there's no justification for any amount of lying. In my defense, I do this because of family drama. My family goes crazy over the stupidest things, no matter who did what thing or where it happened, so I naturally go with whatever answer puts me in the safer side of the situation. I even go as far as to seriously defend myself, even knowing I've just told a lie in the event that I actually did cause whatever is going on. Typically, it's the smallest things, such as eating something that I didn't know was someone else's. Who can blame me for that, though? We have 3 children and 6 adults iving in this house and we all share the same kitchen and pantry area. If something isn't labeled or bagged, it's generally considered free game, so I naturally assume something is for "the house", as we say here, if it does not meet that criterea. Sometimes, though, people don't follow the rules and I get yelled at, so I just try my best to avoid the drama and lie about it if it's my fault. The sad part is, it's almost always stupid little things like that. I don't really lie about anything serious or mindblowing. Still, it makes me feel like a terrible human being because I know that there's a part of me that naturally tells lies.

This whole thing is crazy. I see no reason to lie. I advocate honesty at every stop. I always tell people the truth when I speak to them, I rarely ever lie about my past and when I do, it's to get someone to back off; I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. The few lies I do stand by are harmless and generally only exist because I stretched the truth once and it got out of hand. I don't hurt anyone with these small lies, nor do I alter who I actually am as a person. I'm not one for distorting the image of who you are. I'd rather people know me and choose to love or hate me up front and on the spot. Life just seems better that way, considering there's a lot less drama than there would be otherwise.

Ultimately, I've concluded that I tell these stupid and damn near harmless lies in an attempt to look after myself. It may not be a matter of life or death, but it sure does save me a lot of headaches.

In other news, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of very many things. I love life, but in turn, I fear death. I fear spiders. I fear any bug that looks crazy. I don't believe in ghosts, but I fear them if I'm alone when the lights are out. I fear being single forever. I fear falling for the wrong person. I fear heights. I fear
losing certain people.

There's a whole lot more, but that's a brief example of things I fear, details excluded. To be more specific about something recent, though, I fear that I may be developing feelings for someone that I've yet to even meet in person. These feelings are not very deep right now and hell, I could write it off as a crush, but if things play out a certain way, I wont be able to help myself. I know how I am. I hate long distance relationships, but if things seem to be going very well, I always put my heart and soul into it and try as hard as I can to make it work. I don't want to have another long distance relationship and I have to keep telling myself to back off before it goes down that road. Besides, even if there ever were a possibility for her to move out here or something, I doubt she'd find me appealing enough to do such a thing.

Anyway, none of that truly matters. I don't think that I'm stupid enough to fall for someone who lives more than a half an hour away anymore. That's not even counting the fact that I care about her as a friend and I'd hate to ruin that, but whatever. As of right now, I think it's time for me to at least attempt to get some sleep. Here's to hoping that the panic attacks don't strike for a third night in a row!

Steve out! Take care!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The way things are...

Hello there. It's been a while, huh? Life just spun itself back into place and as such, I had less of a reason to vent and blog. I've discovered that blogging, for me anyway, is a way of unleashing bent up emotions. Lately, I haven't really had much of a reason to vent because life just hasn't been too shabby!

First of all, my friends are fucking amazing. I've been spending far more time with the friends who have been there all along and getting more acquainted with those who I should have become closer to in the first place. Not only are these people the ones who care about me, they genuinely enjoy my company and try their best to include me whenever they can. That's the kind of friendship I cherish and the feelings are mutual, full circle! This alone is what caused me to keep my head up high and really let loose.

Next, without Chrissy, April, Jillian and the others from that circle of people, life has been much better than it once was. Until now, I hadn't really thought about them very much at all. I've completely realized that I'm better off without some people, which has kept me generally safe from drama and stupidity.

Finally, although it's still not done, the final process of going up and taking the GED tests is in the works, which means I can start working for real and making real money soon. The fact that it's within' my grasp is a big deal for me, given that I can finally get my life back on track.

With those major bits out of the way, I suppose I'll fill you in on some general stuff.

I started playing "Aion" around 9PM EST, after having purchased it an hour earlier. The beta was okay, but I'm enjoying the game a lot more now that it's completely open to the public. I have friends who play it now, too, so that helps. The combat is what hooks me most of all, given how deep it really is. It actually requires some degree of thought and skill to play the game well. That's quite an accomplishment for a modern MMORPG, you know!

Moving on, there are no direct or serious love interests in my life, but I've come to realize that I don't have a shot with the people that I have even a mild interest in right now. A few of the ladies I hang around are awesome and I'd be happy to go after something real with one of them, but I'm just being a realist. I'm better off not trying with those girls and I'm okay with that, given that we have healthy friendships. I have a clear head and I'm not upset by this at all.

Speaking of love interests, Kristy, the Australian ex-girlfriend of mine, popped back up recently. Or rather, I should say that she never completely went away. We have very basic, although fun and healthy conversations every so often, but I don't really think of her as more than a friend anymore. I'll admit that I would really try for something with her if we weren't across the globe from one another, as would she, but it's just not possible and we've both come to realize it, so we have a healthy friendship. We both intentionally distance ourselves here and there to prevent any misplaced feelings, but it all works out.

There's a lot more that I could talk about, but I really don't feel up to the task of writing as much as I could right now. Rest assured, though... most of the things on my mind are wonderful. I just need to get back on track with a few things and life is grand!

So, on that note, have a good day! Steve out! Take care!