Saturday, February 28, 2009

Not much to talk about this afternoon...

After 4 hours of unbroken sleep and another hour of broken sleep, I'm awake and ready to start my day. Last night, I had a normal and enjoyable conversation with my Australian ex-girlfriend. I also spoke to a bunch of other people, but one person I was talking to sorta' disappeared! I'm assuming that she just fell asleep and such, seeing as she's sick, so that's okay. That poor girl needs to recover! Being sick sucks! One big thing that I'm proud of is that I finished a shitload of my reviews over the course of the past few days. "Dragon Quest V" and "Star Ocean: The Last Hope" (when it actually gets here) are going to take a while to really wrap up, but most everything else is completed. I'm enjoying my new red Xbox 360 controller. It's much tighter and all of the stupid joystick and d-pad issues I was having from the wear-and-tear of my old controller are non-existent. That controller still works fine and for all intents and purposes, there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just not smooth enough anymore for my tastes. I played "Interpol: The Trail of Dr. Chaos" for a brief bit and while there's not much to it, it's a pretty fun game. I also did a little bit of gaming in "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" and "Castle Crashers", but not much in either case. Today, my S-Video system selector finally arrived and while it works flawlessly, there's one fatal flaw that annoys the shit out of me because I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do this: If you plug it into an S-Video port, each and every input connection must also be S-Video or it just wont register to the TV. I guess I can't ask for too much, given that it requires no external power source and it was a standard (and cheap) system selector, but the quality is astounding for the price that I paid. There's no noticable loss of quality via the S-Video port at all and it's also futureproof to a certain extent because it supports component HD cables, as well! It even comes with 4 pre-labeled tags on the front for Xbox 360, PS3, Wii and Other, which is absolutely perfect. I'll hook the 3 listed consoles up to it, as well as my DreamCast with the old gold-plated S-Video cable I have for it. Anyhow, I ordered a standard Mad Catz S-Video cable for my PS3, which probably wont be here until next Friday or Saturday, but that will finally resolve my graphical and sound issues when hooking my PS3 up through the front A/V jacks while the Xbox 360 is hooked up in the back via S-Video. That's the only reason that I never play my PS3. It's nearly unplayable due to the crazy video and sound distortion caused by my shitty front A/V jacks. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the only other connections I have are coaxial (R/F - which is where my Comcast Digital Cable box is plugged in to) and S-Video on the back, so I have to make due with what I have. Aside from that, my bank account balance is fixed, credit money has been deposited and is secure and my cell phone bill money has also been deposited and is secure, so I should be okay as far as my accounts and finances go. After this, I'm not touching that stupid bank account ever again aside from credit payments. I'll use cash forever if I have to. Anyway, that's all for now. I might lay back down for a while after I take a bath. We'll see what happens! Take care!


Friday, February 27, 2009

More random bullshit

Well, the bank fucked me over again. I'm out my Zune, basically. I sold it to clear 2 overdraft fees. I don't know what the hell happened because I haven't used my card since I got my new one at all aside from a meal at McDonald's, but I had $6 in my account and the meal cost $4.87 or something like that. That wasn't what caused the overdrafts; something from PayPal did, but I have no idea how that happened. Anyway, after I sold my Zune off for $90, I headed to Taco Bell, then came back home, where I sat around for a brief while. After that, I headed up to GameStop and dropped some of my store credit. I finished paying off Resident Evil 5 (Collector's Edition), bought a new red Xbox 360 controller/play & charge pack and I picked up $40 worth of MicroSoft points, which I spent on the following games: Elements of Destruction, EXIT 2, Interpol: The Trail Of Dr. Chaos and The Maw. That aside, I talked to people and relaxed all day, but I haven't done much else. There haven't been any eventful discussions or situations aside from the bullshit with the bank and the Zune sale, but that's all there is to report for now. However, I'm not sure what the future has in store. I never am! At least I beat off a few minutes before I wrote this, so I feel nice and relaxed. Oh how I love thee, ID Glide mint lubricant! Yay for tingly feelings! For now, this is Steve heading out. I think it's time to play some games. Take care!


KBG; I love random acronyms.

My Australian ex-girlfriend's feelings for her ex-ex-boyfriend are starting to come back and she's having a shitload of emotional trouble. We had a serious conversation and it got very deep, but it resulted in no arguments, no fighting and while she was in tears and I admittingly had tears streaming down my face, it was a pretty good night. I didn't do much other than play "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad" for the Xbox 360 for about an hour combined in total, but I did go out to Buffalo Wild Wings with a friend for dinner, ate like a king and made sure to laugh a lot. I also talked to the sweet girl, previously known as the girl that I rarely see. We talked a lot today and I enjoyed myself. I'm pretty sure that I could really grow to like her a lot in due time. The age gap could be a problem, though. That's something I always worry about. My life sucks, my age sucks and no one can ever really accept me for who I am when they get to know me. But oh well. I wont get into the details this time, but let's just say there's a lot going on up in this fucked up head of mine and I need to sort some things out before I'm sure of myself again. But for what it's worth, I changed her alias to the sweet girl for a very good reason. I'd love to get to know her and see if it ever goes anywhere. She's the kind of girl that I could really see myself having lots of fun with. She shares a similar sense of humor, she's fairly open-minded from what I can tell, she enjoys video games and she's extremely caring. I don't know all too much about her just yet, but I know that she's really fun to be around and that we've had awesome conversations so far. That said, it's time for some sleep. I'll write more when I get around to it. Take care!


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Honesty - an update to an old problem and other random news

Okay, so there's a good bit to talk about and I have about 2 hours before I'm heading out to "Buffalo Wild Wings" with one of my friends for some delicious food. He's one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for and while he looks out for himself, he looks out for his friends very well. We've been friends for over a decade and we've had our "breaks", plenty of arguments and even more common disagreements, but I don't think we'll ever stop talking to one another, honestly and I wouldn't want that to happen, even when we do butt heads. Onto the updates, though!

Yesterday, after sleeping for a little under 6 hours, my best friend woke me up by way of spamcalling and spamtexting me. We had a talk the previous day about our friendship and how she'd been changing and pushing me and her boyfriend away, so I guess she was just trying to change that and show me that she really does care, which is great. I missed those days, ya' know? Nothing makes me happier than waking up to something like that, rushing to get ready and then spending a good bit of my day with her and whoever else comes along. It's a great time, although she was pretty quiet and she'd been arguing with her boyfriend to an extent. After they both warmed up to the day, per se, everything was okay and we were all talking and having fun. My best friend still didn't laugh or talk much, though and I was a bit disappointed by that. I hope she's okay. I'm getting ahead of myself here, though, so let me start a bit farther back in the day. After I got ready and hopped into the car with my best friend, we talked a bit, went to the bank and then stopped by Petco. After that, we went to pick up her boyfriend, then to McDonald's so I could get food and finally to my best friend's friends house to drop off the hamster ball we found at Petco. Her friend is watching her hamster while she and her boyfriend go on vacation. They come back Sunday, so we spent time together today to compensate, I suppose. Anyhow, after we dropped the hamster ball off, we went to a mall for a while. Between the time that she picked me up and the time that we picked up her boyfriend, we were discussing serious problems between those 2. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I asked her how she felt about her boyfriend's new blog, assuming that she'd already seen it because she checks MySpace several times per day and she's always checking her boyfriend's MySpace. She went and had a quick read, then the drama started. I don't think either of them are actually upset at me, but it caused tension that had to be fixed. I encouraged them both to be good to one another and told them to try and forget the problems, at least until they come home from vacation. They need to enjoy themselves without worries. It's a vacation for a reason, after all! So far, I think it's working because I was told that they're having fun. Let's hope it lasts! Anyway, we went around while my best friend did some clothes shopping, then they took me home. The trip wasn't very eventful, all things considered, but I was happy to spend time with my friends and share a bunch of laughs with them.

After I came home, I messed around on my computer for a while, cleaned up a few things, talked to a few people and eventually fired up "Left 4 Dead". My friends and I finally legitimately earned the "Untouchables" achievement, which leaves me with 1 remaining achievement to unlock: "Zombie Genocidist". That last achievement will inevitably unlock itself over time, considering the nature of the game. When that was finished, I took a few hours to myself and eventually logged back on to play "Castle Crashers" with another friend of mine. We started playing the game from the beginning, more or less and that was a few days ago. We only played the game twice together, but we finished the entire game with my Red Knight and his Green Knight between the two sittings. In between those two sittings and during some of my personal time, I leveled up my Alien Hominid from 80-86 and my King from level 11-30, finished my animal orb collection and grabbed all of the weapons aside from the enemy rare weapon drops, such as the glowing rod. I also finished the Icy Arena, which apparently didn't count the first time I completed it and I collected 2 of the princess kisses on my Red Knight. Aside from that, the Red Knight and Icy Arena clears unlocked the Eskimo and Skeleton playable characters, as well as the skeleton's default weapon at the Blacksmith. As it stands, I just need to grind for character unlocks to unlock all but one weapon, which drops from wizard knights in the Wizard's Tower level and then I need to have someone give me the rubber handled sword online. After that, everything is unlocked and from there, it's all about achievement collecting. When that's finished, I'll just casually work on grinding my characters all to level 99 for the hell of it. If you haven't noticed, I fucking love "Castle Crashers".

Somewhere in the midst of that stuff, I talked to my Australian ex-girlfriend for a while. I came clean and told her that I'd love to be friends with her, but that we can't get any closer than we already are. I broke the entire thing down and explained to her exactly why we wouldn't work out and she seemed pretty happy to hear that, but I know deep down inside that it hurt her to hear those words. After I said that, she opened up her webcam and did some very sweet things that no one else would understand. I always begged her to let me see her ID picture in a sorta' joking way, but she'd always refuse to show me and said that no one sees it unless it's necessary to buy something, get into a club, etc. Her friends haven't even seen it, apparently. So, on the webcam she showed me the ice cream that she was eating and then out of nowhere, she showed me the ID picture. I almost wanted to cry in a sense because while no one else understands the magnitude of that simple thing, to her it meant a whole lot. It was almost like she was subtly crying out, "No, don't say that. We'll work out. I promise, we'll be together. Don't give up on this. Don't walk away. I want more than just, I'll even show you my ID! Look, wanna see it? Here! There it is!" It may sound stupid to people who don't understand her, but that's how she works and it made me sad, to be completely honest. She was smiling and laughing, actively talking and even showed interest in things she always used to tell me she hated. It's like she was trying her best to impress me and prove to me that she can be a good girl and that it'll work out. It's such a sad thing to see, but I had to tell her and it has to be this way. It feels like a major burden has been lifted from my shoulders, although another one seems to have replaced it.

Now for some good news: I'm officially over the girl I previously liked. I've thought about her casually here and there, but I haven't experienced any feelings for her, I haven't been crying over the situation at all and I haven't even thought about sending her a text message. I feel pretty good about it now, actually and so long as I stay away from her for a few months, I think it'll be possible to obtain friendship with her again on a somewhat casual level, so long as she understands that I'll never let myself get close to her again.

The friend that I keep avoiding and lying to has been trying his best to come hang out and I keep pushing him farther away, making up more stupid lies and getting out of seeing him at every stop. I even did that not more than 45 minutes ago and I don't even feel bad about it. Does that make me a bad person, I wonder? I don't know, but I can't stand him being around unless I meet him somewhere else, like the mall or a place to eat, but I'm broke and he likes to come here, get drunk and play games, which I just can't deal with and especially not with the way he disrespects my stuff and on top of that, I have a shitload of work to do, so while I could go out for 2-3 hours and hang out, the rest of my time has to be spent working on this gigantic batch of reviews.

Speaking of which, my business partner dropped by today and dropped off everything aside from "Star Ocean: The Last Hope", which should be at his place no later than Saturday, meaning I'll receive it sometime next week. It sucks that I have to wait for it, considering that's the game I really want, but hey, business is business and I'm not complaining. If I had it, I'd probably put off everything else to play it anyway, so it's good that I have to wait a week or so in a sense because that means I can finish everything else first. "Everything else" includes the following games:

Nascar Kart Racing - Wii (EA)
Marble Saga Kororinpa - Wii (PREVIEW ONLY - Hudson)
Phineas And Ferb - DS (Disney)
My World, My Way - DS (Atlus)
Dragon Quest V - DS (Square Enix)
DJ Max Fever - PSP (PM Studios)
Prinny - PSP (NIS America)
X-Blades - PS3 (SouthPeak Games)
Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad - X360 (D3Publisher)
Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers - Wii (D3Publisher)
Deadly Creatures - Wii (THQ)
3 Stars Of Destiny - PC (Aldorlea Games)

Before I take off to play more games and pick away at this pile of stuff, I'm relieved that my most recent batch of eBay sales has completely went through, has been shipped and is finalized. No more worries there. For now, I'm done writing. Take care!


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Morally gray...

There's a fine line between good and evil, dark and light, power and weakness; things we all know an deal with every day of our lives. We've all been on both sides, regardless of who admits to it. Everyone has done something evil at some point in their life and realized how terrible it was when they looked back on it. The crazy people are the ones who deny the evil in the first place. That said, I've been doing a bit of lying. I'm not doing anything outright evil here, but it's on that morally gray line that people always question. I'm lying to one of the people who cares about me just so I don't have to spend time with him because he's annoying. When we're out together, it's cool, but when we're at my place or his, it's extremely annoying. He just gets all intrusive and doesn't respect my material property at all. He's also very selfish in the sense that he always has to be doing something he enjoys or he's not happy. And that's not to mention the fact that he gets bored extremely easy because his attention span is like a 5 year-old kid with ADD. On top of that, he's always trying to persuade me to drink, but I'm out of that phase now. I drink sometimes, but I don't really get drunk often at all anymore. I try to be sober and just enjoy life, aside from the occasional trip to a bar or the few parties I host/attend. Anyway, I also make up lies about what I'm doing on Xbox Live. Sometimes friends will invite me to parties to talk or something and I'll just blame Xbox Live and say that I never got the invite or I'll turn the Xbox 360 off and blame Comcast for giving me a "bad connection" that night. I'm starting to alienate my audience because I've become very selective of who I want to spend my time with. I'd rather spend my time alone if I'm not spending it with someone I genuinely care about and what's more is that the person also has to genuinely care about me. I don't spend time with casual acquaintences or assholes. If you care about me, I care about you and we have an understanding, I want to spend time with you and you already know who you are. If I make an effort to contact you regularly or if I play games on Live with you, answer your calls, respond to your texts, etc., you know you're on my good list. Otherwise, there's a problem and you'll need to take that up with me. Anyone reading this, however, is on my good list, so I guess it doesn't matter. With that out of the way, let's talk about my day a bit...

First of all, I woke up around 2PM after having knocked myself out on Diphenhydramine around 1:30AM. That's a whole lot of sleep and I almost stayed in bed for even longer. After finally getting out of bed, I chilled around my room for a while, answered some text messages, checked my e-mail and the other usual stuff, then I made a small pepperoni pizza. After I finished that, I hopped on Xbox Live for a while, where I didn't do much of anything. I talked via text messages and chat clients on the PC for most of the day, received some good news about the gaming industry and got excited a bit about a few things I'm getting for review. Eventually, Mom brought me up some dinner in the form of some really nasty pasta chicken stirfry stuff that was very obviously a random concoction that she'd come up with that just didn't turn out very well. I ate the entire bowl anyway, but later I went down and killed 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on big potato rolls to compensate. As of now, that should be my last meal of the day, aside from a very small potential snack later on. I've had 3 normal meals today, if you hadn't noticed and I actually had an appetite in the sense that I enjoyed the act of eating again, aside from that nasty stirfry stuff Mom made. I also beat off once, which is pretty good considering the lack of that I've been doing lately and if you know me well enough, you know that I'm pretty fucking depressed if I'm not beating off at least once per day. I've been doing it every now and again and even trying to innovate a little, but I think I'll be back on track again, if you get my drift. I'm starting to forget about the girl I previously liked and she's not popping up as often, although something a friend of mine did kinda' upset me. My best friend's boyfriend had asked about the girl I previously liked, so I told him about everything to clarify the most recent and final things that happened on Sunday night. After that, he told me something that in essence proved that my best friend was lying to me. He didn't realize that and he didn't know he was s'posed to keep it to himself, but it upset me a bit to hear about it. Apparently, my best friend doesn't hate the girl I previously liked as much as she claimed to. She spent the majority of her free time yesterday hanging out with her prior to her doctor appointment and she's spending more time with her soon, getting her ears gauged (which is disgusting), etc. She's getting closer again, but her boyfriend and I suspect that she was just making the shit she told me up about not liking her to make me feel better, which in turn means she was close to her the whole time. I don't really understand the situation, but I'm very hurt that my best friend would hide such things from me. I confronted her and I discovered that she confronted her boyfriend about it, too. Apparently she was upset at her boyfriend for telling me the truth, which means she intended on never telling me that shit. I don't really know and I'm trying not to think about it, but I did touch base with her and explain shit that was on my mind. I love her like a sister and I'll always be there for her, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg her to do anything. She doesn't call often, she barely responds to my text messages, she wont answer most of my phone calls and we recently haven't spent much time together, aside from when I offered to pay to go somewhere. On top of that, she bails out on me a lot without saying anything. I know she's been going through shit, but so have I. Regardless of how much I've been through, I've been there for her the entire time. Any time anything goes wrong, I drop everything in my life just to be there for her, even down to ditching another friend to go to the ER with her. My life gets put on hold to make her happy and be by her side. In return, I get pushed away. She denies pushing me away, but all signs lead to that and even her boyfriend seems to think she's edging away from me, based on her words and actions. It's really starting to build up and I can feel the pain eating away at me now.

In other news, my best friend's friend, the one that I previously labeled as "the girl I rarely see" is getting cooler by the day. Every time I talk to her, hilarity and smiles pop up at every step of the way. She's a real sweetheart and I feel bad for the shit she's been through. Hopefully I can help cheer her up when we all get together sometime in the near future.

So, for the time being, I'm done. I may ramble more later, but I'm losing my attention span right now and I need to go do something else. "Castle Crashers" sounds good, but I may run off and play "Cryostasis" instead. Take care!


A simple day.

Today has been very easy. I've done nothing aside from chat with people, eat a normal amount of food and play video games. Oh, and of course "Chuck" and "Heroes" were on, which was interesting, to say the least. I talked with the friend of my best friend about decorating, helped her out with "GTA: San Andreas" and ultimately just kept her text-based company all day. I'm enjoying talking to her more and more with each passing day. She's quickly become a great friend. I'm going to help her out with some computer stuff soon. On that note, I ate a "normal" amount of food today, which is awesome. No overeating, but far from undereating, so I'm happy with that. Otherwise, the only thing left to say is that I played a bit of "Castle Crashers" and "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" today. It's been a very uneventful day and I rather enjoyed it for a change, aside from my Australian ex-girlfriend being depressing because of a problem a friend of her's is dealing with, which is admittingly extremely sad. The only other annoying thing about today is that my best friend never actually got back to me when she left the doctor's office. She said that she would, but never did. Overall, though, I guess this wasn't a bad day. Not much to write. Boring post. Take care!


Monday, February 23, 2009

The crazy dream and a TV dinner

After a night of on-and-off, up-and-down sleep, I'm back with a little dose of that thing I like to call my life. A lot of shit went on in my head last night, both in my dreams and during my bouts of popping back up for a minute when I couldn't stay asleep. The most vivid dream I had, at least of what I remember was about the girl I previously liked. In the dream, she called me and we talked for what seemed like forever. She was lively and asked me to go on a trip with her to New York for a day. She didn't specify why, but she said she'd stay here with me, then we'd leave in the morning, go to New York and then she'd stay with me there until we came home, when she would walk back to her home and I'd walk back to my home. She said that I'd need money for the trip because we both needed tickets to some bus/train/tram thing that started with a "V", but I can't remember the name. So, I eventually lost my signal and I received a text message when I got home from my best friend that said she was angry at me because I wasn't answering her calls. I was on the phone with the girl I previously liked while taking a walk outside, so in the dream, I had a legitimate excuse and I told her that, then I asked my best friend and the girl I rarely see about the girl I previously liked's intentions with this trip. They laughed, shrugged it off and mentioned some weird "Horse Perfume Set" or something like that. I don't remember completely, but it made me laugh a bit because it was so random. So from there, I went home and tried to gather up some money, but I couldn't get it and when I tried to call her, I don't remember what happened, but somewhere in between the next part of the dream, we wound up on the train/tram thing and when we got off, she led me through some seemingly "Mirror's Edge"-like industrial park thingy and when we got where she was taking me, she tried to shut a gate behind me that only opened from the other side. She planned on taking off, but as that happened, I don't remember what was going on, but somehow she was caught in the act and someone came up from behind her and was trying to hurt her. When that happened, I believe that I somehow slowed down time and saved her. The dream ended there, as I woke up after that. I don't know what her reaction was or how the dream would have ended, but it felt very real. Unlike most my other dreams, this is one of the rare few in which I wasn't even aware that I was dreaming. It just felt as though I was living through this experience and when I woke up, it felt like I was torn from one reality to another. I was disoriented for a moment, but once I gathered myself together, I realized what had happened and I was awake for the day. The dream was crazy, but I really didn't need that. I'm trying to forget my feelings her, not have dreams about her that result in me saving her life after she tried to lock me behind a gate and run away. I guess it's symbolic of what really happened, though, to a certain extent. After I sat around for about half an hour, texting a few people while I really finished gathering myself together, I went downstairs to get some food. My sister bought some Burger King for everyone in the house, except for me. Go figure, right? No matter what I do for her, she shits all over me. It even shows on her MySpace, where everyone in our family gets an honorable mention, but I'm not even there. She added me as a friend, but that's it. I'm not listed anywhere, but everyone else is. I don't fucking understand it, but whatever. I'm not going to let it get to me that much. I'll just delete her from my friends on MySpace, to be honest. I don't want her seeing my shit if she's going to be like that all of the time, no matter how nice I try to be to her. So anyway, I made a small TV dinner that contained a total of 220 calories and not much else as far as bad stuff goes and guess what? I actually feel full. In the past, I'd need to eat a ton of those small meals to fill up because it seems like they're made for people who weigh 50 pounds and eat a few saltine crackers for dinner. My appetite is back, but I get full much easier and I don't feel the need to eat just for fun. I guess that's a good thing for now. We'll see where it goes, but I think my brother kept my Gold's Gym membership active, too, so I may start trying to go there more often again, too. That's it for the early afternoon lineup, so for now, I'm off to do something else. Take care!


When something ends, something fresh begins.

The statement of this post applies to everything. In this context, however, it doesn't mean anything spectacular. I wish it did, to tell you the truth. Today, I've barely had many good conversations. I played "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" with a group of friends for a while, then I played "Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3" for a short while. After that, I goofed off on the computer, handled some business and then played "Castle Crashers" for a brief while. Throughout all of this, I dealt with a few problems, started up a new supplemental blog and really put some thought into..well, myself. One of my friends told me that I was boring and repetitious, in summary. That really offended me and made me think for a minute. I actually had to get up off the computer after briefly explaining myself to her, blow some stuff up on Xbox Live, lay down, cry a little and turn off the lights for a small session of deep thought. I've concluded that, despite what she's said about me, I've changed quite a bit. I'm far more outgoing, I have many more things to talk about, I'm much friendlier, I don't hide my emotions at all, I'm not biased against any genres of music (aside from country, which can eat a fat pile of horse genitals) and so much more. Everyone who hangs around me has seen these changes and while I was offended by it, I concluded that she hasn't spent enough time questioning me or talking to me to really know that I've changed, so it's not her fault for assuming such things. However, I did think it was really rude of her to say such things out of nowhere. I've never tried to insult or hurt her in the entire time that I've known her. I hope she was just having a bad day. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt more so than I would other people. I've seen her kinda' like a little sister that I just never get to see since I met her and we've been friends for many years now. I knew her all through her high school years and now into her college life. She's changed quite a lot. I watched her grow up from a scared kid to a mature young woman. Anyway, I think that's resolved now and I hope it doesn't put a dent on our friendship. I'd never hurt or insult her intentionally and everyone knows that. On that note, my Australian ex-girlfriend was in a rather odd mood today. It's not much of a surprise, to tell you the truth. She's like this quite frequently and I just don't get it. I'm starting to grow farther apart from her and I might just let our friendship die off completely. She called me on Yahoo out of nowhere, so I accepted and she barely said a word. She told me something that her friend (also one of my ex-girlfriends) said about me, spammed the shit out of me with Yahoo "audibles" and ultimately chose to stop saying much. Yahoo disconnected, then wouldn't let me sign back on for a few moments after that, so we talked on MSN for a few minutes, where she "typed with her toes", then eventually she just logged out. She didn't bother making an effort to talk to me or keep my attention and didn't say goodbye, which is really, really annoying, given that she freaks out if anyone else does that to her. I don't have anything else to report tonight, so let me use this time as an introduction of sorts.

Head on over to and check out the "Memories Past" supplemental blog if you're interested in finding out more about my past. Right now, there are only 2 posts, but I plan on expanding it whenever I get free time and have a memory spark of sorts. Until then, this is Steve and it's time for me to get back to blowing shit up while I talk to people. Take care!


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Afternoon update

There are only really a small handful of things to talk about this afternoon. First of all, after going to The DuClaw with my Uncle and talking to the girl I like, my best friend sent a text message and I talked to her for a bit. It was kinda' scary at first because she took something out of context, which I clarified and now things seem to be okay again. I also spent a bit of time talking to her friend; the really sweet girl that I rarely see. We didn't talk as much this time because she was spending time with her friends and they were sorta' busy, but that's okay. I try to avoid sidetracking myself when I'm with people I care about, too. After a bit of a well-needed nap, a friend of mine came back from Wal-Mart and we hopped on Live for some random chat, which led to me ultimately buying 1,000 MicroSoft Points. I spent those points wisely, as far as I'm concerned. I finished buying all of the add-ons that I missed out on for 3 games, which included the King Pack for "Castle Crashers", the Street Fighter Tribute Table for "Pinball FX" and the Level Pack #2 for "N+". I also purchased the full version of "Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3" because the price dropped to 400 points somewhat recently and I had been keeping my eye on it for a while. It is, after all, one of the best fighting games ever made, as far as I'm concerned. After doing all of that and when my Diphenhydramine kicked in, I went to bed, which was around 6:30AM. As it stands, I woke up around 20 minutes ago, which was at 3:15PM or so. I woke up once or twice, but I feel decently rested and once I finish "waking up", I should be good to go for whatever happens today. Also, I haven't talked to my best friend's boyfriend lately. He hasn't responded to my text messages and I haven't seen him on Xbox Live much. Hopefully he's been spending time with his friends and family; he needs to. That said, there's not much else to report. I'm still waiting for my best friend to get my Zune back for me, but that's all there is to it. I'll get it from her soon enough. There was another thing on my mind, but I honestly forget what it was, so I'm done for now. Take care.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Let's play catch-up...

Since the last time I wrote anything, a good bit of stuff has happened. It's been an eventful 2 days and I'm buzzin' right now from alcohol, thanks to The DuClaw in Baltimore City. The other day, I sent the girl I like a long message via MySpace, since it's the only way she has to receive long pre-written messages. This message included everything, from the good to the bad and even right down to the ugly. She didn't even care. She laughed it up and said "You have a right to feel that way. I hurt you, although I didn't want to do that. I can't change that.", which was a bit different than I was expecting. Inside info proves that she's an asshole, in summary and she doesn't care at all about me or anyone else right now. After that was all said and done, I went to bed. Not more than 5 hours later, my close female cousin woke me up to inform me that I'm "going" to hang out with her and several of her friends, meet a girlfriend of her's that I've been talking to for a good few weeks and head off to Friendly's for some ice cream. Well, a shower, a change of clothes and an hour later, I was on my way with her to grab her friend whom I wanted to meet. After that, we went to the grocery store, which was the "warm-up" phase for her friend and I. I didn't say too much at first, but I was quite energetic and despite my nerdiness, I just didn't care; I said anything that popped into my head. Eventually, I discovered that she's just like me in terms of humor, although not in a few other ways, but we'll get to that. My cousin picked out some things that she used to prepare and feed us chicken and bean burritos. They were fucking delicious burritos and I was stuffed by the time I finished the second one, despite not having eaten a damn thing for the rest of the day. An hour after that, we were off to Friendly's. The original plan was that we'd all split a single 12 scoop sundae, which would have been fine, but I was being hardcore. I ordered my own 12 scoop sundae and apparently, I was the first one to eat it entirely by myself at the Friendly's we went to. As you may have noticed by my choice of words, I did indeed finish it and it was delicious, but my cousin and her friend(s) didn't order a proper sundae and wound up wasting 90% of it, which got thrown away at the end of our Friendly's journey. We took pictures, which included a picture of the 4 of us (another of my cousin's friends came to meet us a bit later directly at Friendly's) and even our waitress, who was quite impressed with me. After that, the original 3 of us went back to her house for some Apples to Apples. Originally, my aunt and her best friend were going to join us, but my cousin invited the friend who met us at Friendly's and her husband over instead. We all played the game for a while and when they left at around 1AM, her other friend showed up seemingly unexpectedly. Little did I know, she'd been texting her all night. That said, we all cleaned up, went downstairs and acted like obnoxious 13 year-olds until 4:30AM. It was absolutely fantastic. I had a great time. After everyone else fell asleep, though, I laid there crying for a while. I stopped and thought about the girl I like, the situation with her, my life, my friends; everything. No one else heard me, but I kinda' wish I would've had someone to hold; anyone. I would have loved to sleep with someone in my arms and just cry all night. Eventually, I fell asleep for about an hour, then we all woke up so that my cousin's friend could go get her newest tattoo started and completed. I ran upstairs to take a shit, drain the snake and shower in a handful of minutes, which worked out well. I had no change of clothes, so that sucked, but I was still okay. After leaving, we were at the the tattoo place for like 4 hours. I was getting really bored and eventually, my "partner in crime" of the day ran off with a familiar face she ran into, so I had no one to share my stupid jokes with. From there, we eventually went back to my cousin's place, where my Uncle picked me up, then we came back to my house, where I changed my shirt real quick. From here, we went out to The DuClaw in Baltimore City, where we had a few delicious beers. I tried 10 different beers with The DuClaw's "Sampler" setup, but only after drinking a pint of "Hellraiser". They brew their own stuff, so that's pretty much the theme of the place. That aside, we talked about things, goofed around, made some jokes and eventually, he dropped me off at home. After I came home, I realized that I had nothing to eat and also that my Uncle made some seemingly valid and logical pointes about the girl I like. Had I been sober, I wouldn't have seen it that way, but I'm buzzing, so I didn't think twice. I talked to the girl I like, which ultimately led me into the direction of even more depressing emotions than I experienced previously. She never liked me, never will like me and led me on. It's that simple. I second-guessed myself for a minute and it caused a bunch of shitty emotions. Whatever. At least now I know a few things coming out of the past 2 days.

1 - My cousin's friends are fantastic, especially the one I've been talking to for a while. Honestly, she's too different in a few important ways for me to ever really date her, but she's a hilarious girl and I enjoy having her around. She makes me laugh..a lot.

2 - The girl I like is not a girl that I should like. I need to forget about her, move on with life and pretend that she never existed. I'm starting to see the big picture. The rose colored glasses are starting to come off. I'm chipping away at the perfect image I had in my head and the dark colors are starting to shine through. It's time to move on.

3 - My best friend's friend; the girl that I rarely see, as previously stated, is a great girl. She's dealt with me rambling like an idiot for the past few days and she's been nothing short of sweet. If I could, I'd take her into my arms and hug her just to show her how much she means to me. I barely know her, though, so that would be weird.

4 - Life sucks more dick than a gay parade. No offense to those of the same-sex preference out there; it's just an expression. Anyway, negative as this statement may be, I mean it in a positive way. Everyone deals with shit like this and I'm not alone. Eventually, I'll get over this shit and probably look back on this, thinking I was a stupid asshat. Regardless of that, life is just what it is and I have to take it as it come.

5 - Alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of man's problems. I need to drink more often again. I was never happier than when I was a party animal. We'll see what happens, I guess?

On that note, I'm done writing for now because I'm buzzed, talking to people, tired and fucked up. Being drunk, depressed and down just isn't cool. Maybe I'll be better soon. Maybe I just need to spend more time with cool people, learn to live and love again and then forget about the bad people. I wont know what to do until the time comes to make my choice. Take care.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Laugh it up.

I can't help but shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen and that I can do something to stop it; I just don't know what that "something bad" is or how I can stop it. It's crazy and I don't know if anything is going to happen, but it's one of those really strong inhibitions that people get from time to time and I just don't know why it's happening. That aside, I can't help but have feelings for the girl I like and it's so hard for me to shake that off. I keep getting urge to text her to remind her of how I feel and tell her that everything is okay just to make her smile, even though I know she really doesn't want to be with me and that she really doesn't care about my feelings. She only wants the ability to get attention from me. She wont make any effort, so why should I? I just have to keep those thoughts in mind or I'll let loose. I have to tame the beast inside of me, set it free and keep myself in check. It's going to take a lot of work and I'm seriously going to need the people who care about me to knock some sense into me on a constant basis, but I'll get through this eventually. I just can't get her out of my head for very long. I want to talk to her. I want her to smile. I want her to be with me. Those feelings are still there and will be for a while. I just had to vent and get this out. My anxiety is taking over and it's starting to hurt. I hate these chest-stabbing anxiety attacks. It's bullshit. I need to fall out of love, move on and take my best friend's advice. She knows what that advice is.. I just don't know if that girl would see anything in me. I get the feeling that she'd turn me down or something. Maybe I'm just all out of self-confidence right now. I don't know, but either way I'm just dead right now and I need to move on. I know that this is basically a repeat of the same shit all over again, but god damnit, I can't help myself. Somebody help me... Take care.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

More details...

Okay, so over 2 days ago, the girl I like and I were talking and we were having a normal "casual friend" conversation, then out of nowhere she said, "I'm not in a talking mood." After that, she proceeded to actively talk to other people, including my best friend, which completely contradicted what she told me. Everyone was rather pissed off about it and urged me not to speak to her, so I haven't..not until tonight and only under "direction" of my best friend. My best friend sent her a text and asked her if she could get my Zune back for me, to which she said okay. Then the girl I like asked her if I was mad at her, so she responded, "No, but he just wants to get over you." After that, the girl I like apparently didn't understand why I was upset and so my best friend told her that she led me on, which she apparently didn't take very well. In short, the girl I like denied all accusations and completely ignored my feelings in favor of defending herself. So about an hour later, the girl I like sent me a text that said we needed to talk and that she thought things were okay between us. I freaked out. I wanted to respond, make her feel better and work it out so badly, but I know she wouldn't care. She only wanted to justify her actions and prove us wrong; nothing more. So I called up my best friend for advice. She encouraged me to spite her and piss her off by saying, "I'm not in a talking mood."; the exact words the girl I like said to me 2 days ago. It set her off, as planned. She said she really wasn't in a talking mood and that her family was yelling at her for being on the phone so much. However, if that's the case, I have 2 points to make: 1 - Why did she actively text other people, but still not me? and 2 - Why doesn't she take it into consideration when we yell at her for texting the entire time when she's hanging out with us? In short, she was making excuses. It's unjustified and completely stupid, so I just said, "Well I'm not in a talking mood and I really mean it." to which she replied, "Whatever." and I shrugged it off. Then later, she said that she thought everything was okay between us for a second time and then said that she doesn't understand why I'm upset. I haven't responded to that. I want to so badly, but everyone is encouraging me to stand my ground and get over her. She only cares about herself and wont ever have any real interest in me. She's only using me for attention and whatever she can get out of me and we all know it. I see that now and honestly, it hurts. I might be able to accept her friendship, but not until I can completely get over her and maybe not even after that. I don't know at this point in time, but I'm really upset about it and I had to get it off my chest in more detail. If any of my handful of readers has any suggestions, feel free to comment it or just drop me a message if you have the means to do so. Also, I just finished playing some "Left 4 Dead" for a while with friends and a few random people and I talked to the girl I rarely see a bit more. She's a cool chick. Oh, and I was trying to hang out with my female cousin, my best friend and her boyfriend today at Outback Steakhouse, but that didn't work out, so I asked if her mother could pick me up afterwards so I could crash there and hang out with her. She declined, so I didn't get to go anywhere all night, aside from the ATM to get my situation handled. I also talked to my Australian ex-girlfriend very briefly at around 3PM. We had a very brief, but entertaining conversation. I'm starting to think that her and I really can be "just friends" and live with that. I'm treading cautiously right now and I will for quite some time, but it might actually be possible; more so than I thought, at least. I'm also quite satisfied with the most recent CosmosGaming situation. I thought that it would go down a bit worse and I was worried that I'd lose a friend in the process, but it didn't turn out too badly and we put it in the past, so it may work out for everyone all around for the best. We'll see, but right now we're all hopeful. On that note, I have nothing left to say about today. That's it for now. Take care.


I'm finally free!

Today, I finally paid back the debt that set me back and was driving me insane for the past 2 weeks. The bank fucked me over and I had to pay for it, but now it's all done and over with. It's such a big relief and hopefully I'll feel much better now that I'm done. Anyway, I talked to the girl I like today.. I didn't say much to her. I'm essentially avoiding her and tonight proved it. She doesn't understand why she upset me. Go figure, eh? But I'll let her wonder and freak out. I can't do this anymore. Short blog for now; I'll write more later. In essence, I only felt the need to write right now to express my feelings of freedom. I feel so good right now, despite my depression. Life sucks right now, I hate how I have to hurt the girl I like just to get around the situation and well, you guys know the story if you're reading this. I'll write more later. Take care.


Another day, another blog...

Aside from the usual nonsense, today is probably going to involve the shortest blog post I've written yet. I watched 2 episodes of Family Guy, talked to a bunch of friends, went out to Friendly's with my best friend and her boyfriend, which I paid for and had a decent phone conversation with someone that I haven't spoken to for about a month because she was away for school. After all of that, I cried for a while, had some seriously fucked up thoughts, made myself even more depressed about this whole situation and filled out the first 5 surveys that I saw on MySpace as a "ONE NIGHT ONLY" thing. I don't get into surveys, but I figured I'd do it for the hell of it just for today. Oh, I also ordered a system selector that supports up to 4 consoles, so I can now officially fix my PS3 audio and video problem, as well as keep the DreamCast hooked up! Now, though, I'm off to sleep. Sweet dreams guys! Sorry for the uneventful blog, but I'm exhausted and I just don't have much to report. I feel dead inside. Take care.


P.S. - I haven't talked to the girl I like(d) for over 36 hours. I'm trying my best to avoid her. Be proud. It's hard, but I'm doing it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

2:43AM, 3 Diphenhydramine pills and The Office...

I just took 3 diphenhydramine pills, so I'll probably fall asleep and stay out for up to 14 hours. Before I do that, I'm going to tell you what's been going on my mind since my last post, except this time I'm going to do this in a list format for the sake of mindlessness.

1 - I feel as though my life is fucking terrible.

2 - I feel like I'm ugly; on the outside and the inside and that no one will ever see any sort of beauty coming from me in any way, shape or form.

3 - I ate a lot today. My appetite seems to be coming back, but I don't think I'll necessarily crave anything or eat regularly just yet. I think this is just a one-time thing to satisfy a brief need to please myself when no one else was there to help me out.

4 - I'm developed or may have already developed co-dependency issues. I feel the need to have someone around or talking to me constantly. If no one's there, I start getting depressed and I feel empty inside.

5 - I feel the need to be in a relationship. This has changed from a want in passing to a serious addiction that has to be fed at all costs. That's not to say that I'll date or fall for anyone, but being single just feels way, way worse right now than it ever has before. It's a hunger that has to be fed and if it's not fed, I feel dead inside. I still wont date someone who I don't feel is dating material, so don't mistake this for the wrong thing.

6 - It takes me a lot more time to get over someone these days than it ever has in the past. I don't know why, especially given that the girl I like(d) is horrible to me, lies a lot, hides things and just doesn't even act like I'm a human being. You'd think that it would make this much easier to drop her, but it's hard for some reason that I can't quite place.

7 - My friend's other friend; the girl that I rarely see, as I called her before, is actually a very sweet, cute and interesting person. If things go right and I get over the girl I like(d), she might actually be someone that I could really give a chance. I don't think she'd be the type to absolutely destroy me or treat me like an animal. She actually seems like a real human being who understands the concept of empathy and also knows how to treat other people. I'd like to spend a bit more time with her and get to know her. Who knows, right? I doubt she'd even like me, because really..who would? I'm an unattractive lose with no car, no steady paying job and a dull personality. At this point, I'm starting to really wonder. But hey, it could happen. Oh, and did I mention that she actually likes to play a decent variety video games? That's always a plus!

8 - I love my friends, but there are specific people that I intentionally ignore and try not to talk to as often as possible. There's one person in particular that I avoid quite frequently, when in reality he's one of the people I should spend more time with, talk to and give some emotions back to. He's a great friend, but he's very disrespectful of my property and I can't handle that. He trashes my room, takes up way too much space, sprawls out all over the place and can't get comfortable anywhere. It's a pain in the ass. I'm handling it the wrong way, but I don't know any other way to handle that particular situation. I just ignore his calls and have my family screen them, so that they can tell him I'm not home or that I'm sleeping, etc.

9 - I really miss talking to my sister-like best friend as much as I used to. I also miss spending as much time with her as I used to. It feels weird without her. Her boyfriend is a cool guy and he treats her well, but that shouldn't stop her from spending time with me like the good ol' days. There needs to be some sort of balance.

10 - I'm sick and tired of money. It causes problems and with the dead job market, I can't even get hired at McDonald's.

11 - I'm starting to lose my mind.

There's a lot more that I could say, but I'm starting to get tired and I'm watching more of "The Office", so I'm going to stop for now. If I don't head off to bed soon, maybe I'll add a few more things to the list. For now, I leave you with this thought:

"It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions." -Randy K. Miholland

Take care.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Something inside of me...

Since before I began writing this blog, something inside of me has been changing. It's like there's some sort of demon trying to break free and I wont let it out to play. I've gradually lost my appetite and haven't eaten other than for the sake of survival for over a month. I'm not as shy, but despite how much more open I am with everyone, I'm much more prone to pain. I feel it more when anyone says or does something that could even mildly hurt me. I worry a lot more than I should even over the stupidest comments and even jokes makes me sad sometimes now. I've grown much more sensitive of my appearance and my weight. I've opened my mind to nearly every genre of music, which even includes emo, which I used to hate. Country is the only genre I still can't stand, but it's not because I hate the genre as a whole, rather there's just no songs I like. I've also started getting much more in touch with my emotions to the extent that I feel lonely whenever I'm not around at least one person I'm comfortable with. I've started to fall for people quicker, but it's harder for me to recover from the process when I'm let down or hurt. I've started to stray away from gaming by myself in favor of gaming online with friends. I barely play games without friends anymore, on that note. I've started keeping in touch with more people. I've started being more open with family, aside from certain people I don't trust, such as my mother and my sister. All of this and so much more that I just can't explain. Something is happening to me and I don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been hanging around girls a lot more than guys lately. I like hanging around girls because they don't judge me or tease me as much for being feminine or honest with them. They tend to accept me for who I am, no matter what "dark secrets" I may have. My guy friends make fun of me, call me gay or whatever else they decide is fitting for the moment. My girl friends are very accepting and especially the one I hang out with and talk to most often, who is so accepting of me that I can tell her when I'm taking a shit and she just laughs at me and makes jokes about it. I can tell or show her anything and she wont judge me for it. She loves me for who I am and I love her; we're like brother and sister and that's never going to change. I'd never get that close to any guy. It just hasn't happened and never will because they don't and wont accept me. Even the girl I like(d) doesn't seem to judge me negatively for anything, despite all of her flaws and how fucked up she is. It's just a more positive environment for me and I can be myself without fear of anything. The funny thing is, though, that I still fear everything. I'm scared, worried and paranoid almost every second of every day for some reason or another. I don't understand myself, but for now, that's what I can make of it. Maybe I'll think some more and write about it later, but for now, this is Steve taking a break. Take care!


Not much to report...

I haven't done absolutely anything today, other than order an S-Video system selector to make more use of my PlayStation 3, since it's a pain in the ass to constantly swap the cables from the back of my TV with the way it's set up. Because of this, I rarely use anything other than my PC and Xbox 360, so that problem will be resolved in the 3-5 business days that it takes for the package to get here. Many people have been very unresponsive today and I also slept through most of the day. I did talk to the girl I like(d?) at one point, but only very briefly and the conversation wasn't very eventful. She's getting a tattoo on her hip of a flower that she drew herself. She sent a picture of the mockup she did and it does look pretty cool, but I'm not a tattoo kinda' guy, so the size of the flower was a bit too big for my tastes. Still, for the sake of not being a dick, I told her it looked good and what not. She's getting it done this weekend no matter what, so whatever. That's on her, not me. She has my Zune because I lent it to her for a 1-2 week period so she could compare musical tastes, but I should probably get that back as soon as possible, considering the circumstances. I'm bored, I don't feel like doing much of anything and my friends are being very unresponsive. In other news, my appetite is sorta' coming back, but not full-force just yet. It's more like I realized that I need to eat, so I'm eating more because yesterday I only ate a single very small ham sandwich on a roll with no toppings or anything and only 2 small slices of ham. That was my entire day's worth of food. Today, however, I had a ridiculous meal that included a fried breaded and stuffed cheesy jalapeno, 2 breaded and fried chicken tenders, a small chicken, bacon and cheese wrap, a sausage McGriddle and a hash brown. That was all in one meal. Later, which was about an hour ago, I gobbled down 3 slices of stuffed crust pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut. In total, I've probably had 3,000 calories or so, factoring in the Reese's cups I had and the glass of milk I drank. I'm "supposed" to be eating 3,400 or so calories to maintain my weight and I've been eating 0-1,500 every day. In most cases, less than 1,500. It's really unhealthy for me and I know I have to slow down, eat a bit more and start getting more active to compensate. I don't know what was/is wrong. I just don't have an appetite anymore. I just know that I need to eat. I don't even really get enjoyment out of eating most of the time anymore, aside from a very small handful fo select foods that I crave from time to time. Anyway, my friend's boyfriend gave me back "F.E.A.R." and "Dead Space" and is absolutely loving "Fallout 3". He didn't like "F.E.A.R." very much, but he finished "Dead Space" very quickly because he liked it so much. There's one more thing left to talk about, though and it's a kinda' important subject...

I need to figure out what I'm going to do about my Australian ex-girlfriend, once and for all. She disappeared for several days, after logging off randomly 4 days ago without saying goodbye or anything right in the middle of a good conversation. After talking to her about it, she claims she fell asleep in that short 5 minute time span and that her mother turned the laptop off 2 minutes later. I don't know how probable that is, but it's not my duty to question or speculate anymore when it comes to her. She may "need" me, but as much as I feel the "need" to have her around to an extent, I know it's not good for either of us in the long run. She's just going to lead me on, say and do the same things she always used to do and establish the foundation for something that neither of us are going to be a part of. We've already established that it's never going to happen between us again. She also has a keen interest in her ex-boyfriend, whom is a complete asshole. As soon as she lost her baby, he immediately popped back up. When she was pregnant and before he knew she had lost the baby, he didn't care. All he wanted was to fuck, which she didn't give in to. She's falling for him all over again, though. That's why my friendship with her is an even worse concept now than it was before. Oh well. I guess I just have to suck it up and tell her that we can't do this anymore. As much as she feels this "need" to have me around, I can't be there to fill that supposed void. She blew her chance and I'm not going to wait around for another dysfunctional relationship to take control of my life.

On that note, I've ran out of things to talk about for the moment. It's a sad, sad day in my life. When it rains, it pours. There was definitely a calm, then a massive storm and now I'm dealing with the destruction that the storm has caused. Here's to hoping for a better future. Take care.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Negative news all around...

Yesterday was an excessively disappointing day. The disappointments began when I found out that my friend's boyfriend couldn't make it. He's an awesome guy and I really wanted him to come hang out with us. He surely would have made the night a lot more fun than it turned out to be, at least for me. After that, I found out that my female cousin couldn't make it because of transportation issues, which means we were already down two people. To top that off, one of my friend's best friends was originally not going to show up, but she did at the last minute. Up until that moment, though, we were all a little upset about it. I rarely see her and while I don't know her, she's one of the nicest girls I've ever met and a pleasure to have around. She makes me laugh a lot, which is a big plus. If I wasn't so head over heels for the girl I like, I'd consider giving my best efforts to her, but it's not fair to anyone else if I'm already in love, ya' know? Anyway, everyone finally showed up at my house after we made our rounds to the liquor store and to drop off my copy "Fallout 3" for Xbox 360 to my friend's boyfriend. The girl I like was trying to put off her visit to my house by making random little excuses, but my friend called her and told her to come by, which basically forced her to do so as soon as we got back. When everyone gathered here, that's when everything really started, but let's rewind for a moment...

Before all of this, I spent my entire day setting things up for this night. I planned for everyone to stay over, play video games, watch movies, etc. all night. Not only that, but I spent four full hours hand-making the girl I like a heart-shaped yellow cake with pink icing from complete scratch with no electric tools, mixing utentils or even a heart-shaped pan. It turned out a little unlevel, but it was delicious and looked like a heart, which was good enough for me, given the time schedule I was on. I had no time to borrow the proper tools to make it perfect, so I was proud of my work, albeit a bit nervous. You see, this cake was made for the girl I like as a belated Valentine's Day gift. I poured my heart and soul into that thing with the hope that it would get some sort of awesome reaction and set things in motion. I was extremely nervous and quite worried about what she would think and say in response to the cake, so that carried on all day. I talked to her all day, as well as the others and I browsed the internet, took a bath; the usual stuff. Before I continue with the previous story, though, I need to give you a bit of background as to why this cake was symbolic and what it meant for me. By the end of this story, you might pity me, you might be sad or you might even think that I'm overreacting or just emotionally unstable, but I don't care. The point is, this story has to be told for everything else to be put into perspective...

A long time ago, I had an ex-girlfriend from Pennsylvania whom I was with for around three and a half year. She was my first really serious relationship and she was the only girl that I ever felt love for to any extent, although not as much as I currently feel for the girl I like now, which is crazy. This girl from Pennsylvania essentially moved here to be with me, giving up her previous college that was located five hours away just to be that much closer and we saw one another nearly every weekend. It was fantastic for a long time, but things eventually did go down hill. We had serious arguments, she did some very fucked up things to me and ultimately, I ended the relationship because I caught her in all sorts of lies; we'll leave it at that. It gets much, much worse, but that's another story. So anyway, one of her birthdays came at a bad time. By that, I mean I was expecting it, but I was really broke at the time and I couldn't afford anything fancy, so I had to settle and come up with something that I thought was very special. You guessed it! I bought the materials and baked her a cake from scratch. No cake mix was involved. This cake was ridiculous and took several days to really perfect. It was quadruple chocolate bundt cake. There was no fancy shapes or anything with this one, so that part was easy, but this monstrosity took a whole lot out of me. The final product also included purple gel icing in a circle around the cake that spelled the following in a loop: "I <3 Love <3 You <3". Everything was set and honestly, it turned out to be the best-tasting cake I'd ever had, but I've still never made it since that point in time because of what happened next. She came over here for her birthday and I brought out the cake, sung happy birthday to her and explained the situation. She proceeded to tell me that the cake was not a real gift and went on to really hurt my feelings. The day was over right there. Call me a pansy if you want, but truth be told, I ran up to my room and cried for a few hours. She didn't even try to comfort me because in her eyes, she was completely and utterly right. I don't know why I stayed with her after that, but whatever. Ever since I was with her, though, I've never done any really romantic stuff for anyone. Baking the heart-shaped cake is symbolic of the trust and feelings that I have for her. She knows this, too. I'm willing to risk it all and go beyond my fears just to make her smile. This is the scope of what I was going through.

That said, let's move on. I didn't give her the cake right away. My friend suggested that I grab my "Apples To Apples" party box, since the other two had never played it before, so I did that and we played for a good hour. Everyone had an okay time, but it's just not as fun without the right people or some liquor. I guess I should say that it was fun, but I didn't have much fun because I was still very nervous and to top that off, the girl I like was texting people on her cell phone nonstop. I was getting really annoyed, but I didn't really say anything to her. Eventually, I cleared the table and told the girl I like what was going on. She was being silly and cleaning up our "Apples To Apples" mess, but once that was finished, I grabbed the cake out of the refridgerator and put it in front of her on the table. She didn't really have much of a reaction. She wasn't blushing, she had a smile on her face and she said in a very, very quiet voice, "Thanks." She didn't even sound or seem very enthused. Anyway, we all decorated it slightly together by adding conversation heart candies, rainbow sprinkles and M&Ms in random spots. It turned out really cute and everyone agreed that it genuinely tasted delicious, which included the girl I rarely see, who usually doesn't even like cake. So after that, I was truly starting to feel down on my luck. After the serious time and effort I put into this, I still wasn't getting anywhere with this girl. For a while, I didn't pay it any mind. We sat around in the living room, watched TV for a brief few moments and then we made a trip to my very messy room, where the girls watched a few random shock site videos. And for the record, they asked. I didn't suggest that they go watch the "Pain Olympics" or "2 Kids In A Sandbox", nor did I encourage them to revisit the joy that is "2 Girls 1 Cup". The girl I like had never seen the first or last video on that list and she literally almost vomited on me when watching the last one. I kept telling her I'd stop it, but she forced me to let it play because she has this weird idea in her had that she'll suddenly develop an iron stomach by watching that sorta' stuff. To her credit, she's right, but it takes many years of desensitizing for that; believe me, I know. Nothing phases me anymore. I can watch "2 Girls 1 Cup" and crave a Starbucks mocha malt. That's how fucked up I am after the amount of desensitizing I've been through. Moving onwards, the girls went downstairs and I started ripping my room apart to unhook the Xbox 360 in order to transport it downstairs. After several trips back and forth and a few moments of setup, we played "Rock Band 2" for quite some time. By this point, we'd all stopped drinking except for the girl I rarely see, who kept drinking and was feeling very relaxed. After a few hours of that, everyone except the girl I like went home. This was around four in the morning. The girl I like was ready to dart off, too, but my friend started sending her nasty messages. Here's where it gets bad. First of all, earlier in the night I was sitting behind the girl I like while she was on the floor in front of me playing the game. While I was doing that, I saw her sending text messages to one of her guy friends, whom she always said she had no feelings for. Now, to give you a little background on this kid, she spends a lot of time with him. Every time I ask her to hang out, she's with him or her cousin. That reassures what I'm about to tell you. I don't remember the spot-on exact context, but she kept tilting her phone and hiding it so no one could read it, so I didn't get all too much out of it. Her and this kid were talking about feelings and stuff, so the girl I like told him she was into him and made a bit of flirty comments, etc. There was direct literal statements in which she said she wanted him, among other things. This really started me going downhill for several reasons. Not only was she spending time on her phone texting another guy she has feelings for the entire night, but she didn't even seem to give a shit about the cake that I made her and she avoided being near me as much as she could. She wouldn't sit directly next to me and even opted to sit on the floor instead. When everyone else left, she quickly rushed to the other couch to avoid being next to me yet again. All of this on top of the fact that she didn't say much the entire night. We made a few jokes, but I have a feeling that she would have kept to herself or may not even have come over if not for the other girls being here. I texted the friend who was here as to not cause a disturbance in the peace out loud or cause drama with the information and she told her other friend, whom agreed that this situation is royally fucked up. The girl I rarely see tried to hug me, but as much as I wanted it, I couldn't accept it. I just couldn't be touched. I felt violated by the girl I like in the deepest, most fucked up way possible and I didn't want to be touched by anyone. I was crying and dying on the inside and I was being extremely fake on the outside to cover it up. When the other girls left, my friend texted the girl I like and started bitching her out about what she did to me. I didn't expect that to happen while she was here. That set things into motion for a very deep, involved conversation in which everything was made clear, once and for all. My friend knows that I played dumb and as much as I love her like a sister, I had to lie about what I knew to the girl I like in order to keep the peace and get to the bottom of this shit. It worked, though and everything should be in the clear on that side of things. What I found out, though, is that the girl I like just wants to be better friends. That's the final summary. Out of everything we said, she did say that I'm a sweet guy and she pointed out that I don't get special treatment, but neither does anyone else, so she says. I don't believe that, given her conversation with that other kid, but whatever. That took an hour and a half to conclude. She's not very good at really deep conversations in person or even over the phone. She's a text person, but I try to avoid talking about those sorta' things outside of a face-to-face confrontation. You can't run, hide or back away in a real-life conversation. If you're alone with someone, you're put on the spot and this kind of thing comes up, you just can't avoid it. So yeah, that's what happened. I still love her and there's nothing I can do about that right now, but she doesn't have feelings for or an emotional attachment to anyone right now. She wants to get closer to me, become better friends, spend more time with me and see where it goes, but in her own mind, that doesn't mean that we'll ever really be in a relationship. It just means that she's going to continue talking to her other guy friends, who also like her a whole lot, never let anyone be with her and maybe eventually pick a guy to be with. I doubt that it'll be anyone other than the kid she was texting and I'm pretty sure that she was letting me down intentionally, but still trying to give me hope so she can get my attention and all that shit. I don't understand why it had to happen that way, but it did. She's an emotional slut, to put it simply. She's not going to go around fucking random guys, but she has no problems letting a ton of different guys fall for her, then jerking them around so they believe that she "might" someday have feelings for them. In her own words, she doesn't want me or anyone else to get our hopes up because she doesn't want us to be let down even worse if nothing ever happens. That's just girl talk for "I don't like any of you and I never will, but I really like the attention." I know this and so does everyone else, but I had to let her down easily just for the sake of keeping the peace, so I put on a movie, we fell asleep for a bit, although I didn't really sleep at all just yet, then eventually she woke up, said good bye and rushed off to head home and sleep some more. All told, this was a fucking terrible weekend and I just want to try my best to put it behind me annd look towards the future...without the girl I like. I'm going to pull the "Be a dick" card after a few days. I'll gradually phase her out by talking to her a lot today, then a bit less over the next few days until I sorta' trail off. Essentially, I'm going to ignore her and walk away. The girls don't hang out with her much anymore because she's changed so much, so my life really wouldn't be much different in terms of how I spend my time with my friends and what we do. It's just going to hurt more and more over time until I eventually experience so much pain that I just don't want to be alive. When it gets to that point, I'll break into a million pieces, deal with it, come back stronger and stop worrying about this girl. That's just how it's going to be and I accept it now. She might want to become better friends, but I can't do that. The closer I get, the more I'll want a relationship with her and that's going to be even harder on me. I have to let it go. This weekend was my last stand and I guess I lost. This girl is, to be blunt, heartless. Go figure. I fell for another bad apple. Why couldn't this have been someone else, like the other girl that was here last night? The age difference is still a bit large, but does that really matter? Had I hung around her more often and had the chance to speak to her more regularly, I think that I'd of wanted her even more than the girl I like. She's got the same sense of humor, she's actively funny, she can handle her liquor, she's open and willing to try games and such; she's just genuinely a fun person to be around. Just my luck that I fell for the bad one of the group. It always works that way, doesn't it? Oh well. One day, I'll get over it. I just hope that day comes sooner than later. Oh, and before I go to bed, the other girl that was here got sick as shit when she went home, but then felt much better after she threw up. That's how I get when I vomit from liquor. I'd throw up once, then I feel instantly better. Thanks for reading. It's time for me to get some rest before I lose my mind, pass out at my keyboard and wake up with a stiff neck. My back is already killing me. God damn spasms, I swear. For now, this is it. Steve out. Take care.


Sunday, February 15, 2009

V to the D to the L

Well, Valentine's Day was both awesome and shitty. On the negative side, I talked to my old friend Leona, who I comforted briefly and asked to hang out, but she ditched me. The girl I like also had plans today, which is okay. They weren't actual Valentine's Day plans with someone else or anything; she just didn't expect all of this stuff to come rushing out into the open, so she already had stuff planned. I understand and I'm going to make it up to her. If I can pull it off in time, I'm going to bake her a heart-shaped cake with red icing and the first letter of her first name in the center. Also, I don't know how I'll handle myself when I'm alone with the girl I like because it's hard for me to "zone in" at first. I'm comfortable with her, but I need to get into that comfort ZONE, you know? If we can make it through that phase, it'll be terrific and I wont have any trouble. I just feel like a mental and emotional cripple at first with any new potential girlfriend. However, I don't think I have to do or say anything special to impress her. That's not to say that I wont do nice things or treat her well, but I just don't think she wants me to change. Otherwise, I wouldn't be the guy she wants. On the positive side, a lot of great things happened today. First, I woke up to a call from my sister-like friend around 10AM. I hadn't even been asleep for a full 4 hours by that point, but for her, I woke up and did what I could. We talked for about an hour about boyfriend problems and a serious situation that I'll keep to myself because she trusts me to do so. I don't break her trust. I never would. We worked it out, though and I think that everything is going to be okay. I was there for her, just like she tries to be there for me when she can. I was also there for her boyfriend, who is a fucking great guy, but really needs to relax and grow up a bit. That's all it comes down to, really. He's just immature in the emotional sense just yet. Anyhow, I talked to the girl I like for most of the day and we had terrific conversations via text messages. A lot of nice things were said and at one point, she even called me cute. She also seemed very content and happy on an emotional front. Now I know that she's not completely over her most recent ex-boyfriend and that in some ways, she still wants him. That's just how it goes when you break up with someone. It does suck, but I'll deal with it. For her, it's worth it. She wouldn't cheat, as far as I know and I don't think she'd lie about it even if she did. I'm pretty sure that, despite the handful of stupid lies that she's told, they were just that: stupid lies with no purpose. She doesn't lie about anything that's important, no matter how much it hurts. She's proven that many times by now. She doesn't seem to lie very much at all to me, but she's lied about some very stupid things in the past. I guess a lot of people do that, but I just found it very weird that she'd lie about "not laughing during a movie", for example. Quite a stupid thing to make up. Anyway, she and I are getting even closer. It's to the point that she'll tell me anything in complete honesty no matter what it is. I can ask her anything and she'll tell me. I'm the same way to her, too. It's getting serious on the trust and honesty front. All of that aside, I went out to "Scaryoke IV" with friends at a local bar & grill. I saw a few people that I rarely see and had quite a bit of fun. I had two drinks, which didn't do anything to me, as expected, but they were tasty, as usual. A lot of ridiculous jokes were made, I shared a few bits of information and obtained a few bits of other information; all for the purpose of eventually making one another laugh at a later time via the internet. We're a bunch of movie, internet and music dorks, so it's a terrific atmosphere for someone like me. I was there for around four hours and when I came home, I relaxed for about two and a half hours before writing this. On that note, the girl I like was supposed to party tonight, but she went to sleep for a while and just never responded. I have a feeling that she either got so drunk that she didn't bother touching her phone and passed out eventually or that she just slept through it. Either way, I'm confident that she handled herself properly. We'll see, I guess. Worried as I may be, it wont drag me down. She's coming over and for the first time, at least I hope, I get to wrap my arms around her and openly say to her in person the words, "I love you." I don't know if I'll get that far just yet, but we'll see what happens. If she avoids sitting next to me, there's not much I can do. I wont force her into it. However, if we're trying to get closer, I'm confident that it'll happen, at least to some extent. She will hear those words in person for the first time from me, no matter what. She knows I feel that way, but it's a totally different ballgame when it's in person. It may make me sound like a loser for talking about it over text messages, but I hadn't the chance to see her and it had to all come out before I lost my mind. I think it'll put things into perspective more for her when she hears it and "feels" it in person. We'll see what happens. Oh, before I go, I'd like to point out that my Mom gave me a bag of candy and $10 for Valentine's Day just so I had "something". She's always done this and as much as we butt heads, it's something I look forward to every year, yet I forget about it the day it happens. It's always a surprise when Mom comes to bring me my gift(s) for the big V Day. Anyway, that's my story of Valentine's Day Love, in a nutshell. Today was the first day that I really talked to the girl after the big confession and argument and it's kinda' funny that it all really started on Valentine's Day. I love her. I hope she's able to love me. For now, game over. Take care!


Friday, February 13, 2009


With a capital P. Today was all about it. I was moping around, having only left my room one time for about five minutes just to use the bathroom after having been awake for three hours. I hadn't eaten anything, I was broke and I was disappointed because I had no one to hang out with. I thought I was being bailed out on today by one of my closest friends yet again and I had no money to hang out with my close female cousin. Right after discovering those things, the friend I thought was bailing out on me came through. We went up to White Marsh Mall; her, the boyfriend and I. While they were on their way here, my close female cousin re-invited me to go to the movies with her to see the remake of "Friday The 13th", stating that our aunt would pay for me to go. I had to respectfully decline, as my other friends were already on the way, but I did try to compromise and ask if they wanted to see it with her. That didn't work out, but I'm sure my cousin understands. We'll hang out again soon; it's inevitable. Anyhow, while we were at the mall, we ate some delicious pizza and Cotton Candy Blizzards from Dairy Queen. I also ran into another cousin of mine for a few moments, whom I never see. He's grown up quite a bit. He's relaxed, funny and cool to talk to now. On the way home, though, my friends put something into perspective. Everything I've ever known about the girl I like is fake, aside from a small handful of things. I did indeed fall in love with her and no matter what happens, I can't deny that. But we're going to have an intervention. In other news, I I told her everything and she freaked out a bit. I don't think we'll be talking very much and I don't think that we'll be very close friends for a long time. I let most of what was on my mind out. The rest will come out during our "intervention". I'm in a lot of pain right now. There's not much left to talk about, but there may be more later. Thanks for reading. Take care.


An eventful, yet somehow depressing night.

I went to "Buffalo Wild Wings" with a buddy tonight, which was great. The food was delicious, as usual. Despite the fact that I hadn't eaten a damn thing all day, I could only finish about half of my food before I felt too bloated to continue. I also splurged and drank five full glasses of Mr. Pibb. So much for water-only, huh? I guess one day wont kill me, but it's not like I'll go right back to drinking soda ll of the time. I prefer water usually, anyway. Anyhow, I talked to the girl I like the entire time I was there and a bit before that. I came clean to her and admitted that I had a fantasy involving her. That is, a sexual fantasy. She begged me to tell her the details, so I did. It's a rather tame fantasy to be completely honest, but I don't know if I'll be able to look at her without feeling awkward. At least not for a while, anyhow. She also stopped saying much after that and eventually we just phased each other out for the night. There was no conclusive end to our conversation; just complete silence until she probably fell asleep. After all of that went down, I played the PC version of "X-Blades" for a bit, which is totally awesome. It's admittingly very mindless and quite easy, but it's one of those mindless games that's so satisfying that you can't help but smile the entire time you're destroying wave after wave of enemies with godlike power. Also, on my setup, it runs at 120+ FPS even with resolution and texture hacks. It looks terrific, although it uses lots of crazy lighting tricks to compensate for the bland design of the main heroine. Anyhow, I talked to my Australian ex-girlfriend more today. We had a serious conversation about why she still talks to me after what happened, where this is going, her motive(s), Avatar and other things. The conversation was wonderful before and after that bit and her webcam antics were, as usual, hilarious. We made one another laugh constantly, which is a great sign. However, she made it clear that she has feelings for me, she loves me deeply, she does want me and she's talking to me because she "needs" to, not because she "wants" to. She feels like she shouldn't be talking to me because of what happened and because of her best friend over there in Australia, who is also an ex-girlfriend of mine and how I met this girl, but that's another story entirely. In conclusion, I don't think we'll ever be anymore than friends after this point in time, but I don't think it's even a good idea that we talk to one another because of her motives and reasoning. I'm basically only in her life because she can't let go, despite the fact that she doesn't want me around because she "KNOWS" I'm bad for her or whatever it is that's going on in her head. In her own words, she just shouldn't talk to me. This whole thing with her feels pointless and in truth, I might just stop signing into MSN and Yahoo completely for a while and see what happens. A week or two of that should be more than enough to get a concrete reaction that shows me exactly what she's trying to get out of this. Aside from all of that, I played a bit of "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" with two of my closest friends, one of whom is one of my cousins. I did absolutely horrid tonight, as well as last night. The past two nights have been off days and I've been losing my appetite more and more over the past month or two. Something is wrong with me, but I have no idea what it is. Could it be stress? Maybe heartbreak like another friend suggested? Am I seriously ill? The doctors haven't found anything, so I guess I'm fine physically. This has to be a mental or emotional thing and I have to figure out the problem before it becomes the death of me. My anxiety attacks have been happening more often and are far worse than they used to be, too. That's all for now. Steve out! Take care!


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Afternoon news

I've barely been awake for two hours, but there's a bit to report. First of all, I'm confirmed for "Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers" for the Xbox 360 and "X-Blades" for the Xbox 360. There's a handful of other stuff that I'm confirmed for, as well. This means that my next set of games for review will indeed be entertaining throughout. I don't think I'm getting a single game that I don't have at least some degree of serious interest in. Second, "F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin" is officially one-hundred percent not being sent to me. We didn't get approved for it due to the amount of people requesting it. We got in on the bandwagon a bit too late for that one, I think. In other news, I think that I'm coming to terms with everything. It's going to take me some time to fully get over the massive load of shit that's been going on in my life, but I'm at the point of complete acceptance, which is definitely the start of the recovery process. I want the girl I like and I want my Australian ex-girlfriend, but I can't have the first and even if I could have the second, it just wouldn't work out due to distance problems. I've accepted it and no matter how much I like either of them, I have to protect myself and to a certain extent, I have to protect them as well. I don't want either of them to be in a situation that they can't handle. That said, my eBay auctions are moving along nicely and I should have enough money to pay everyone back and then some pocket change on the side, which would be great. I could make a day or two out of it. I'll pay for one of my friends and I to go eat at Cici's, maybe see a movie or two and take a friend out to a club for a two-or-so hour night of fun. I think I deserve the break and time with friends sounds great, all while doing things that I love to do. I'm off to start my day, though, so it's goodbye for now! Take care!


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Annoying, but eventful day.

Well, there's some good news, but also some bad news. My new power supply arrived and after fiddling with it, running tests and losing my mind because I thought it was dead on arrival, everything runs fine. My nVidia GeForce GTX 280 runs smooth as day, doesn't overheat and doesn't stutter at all with every setting in every game jacked up to max. I had "F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin" running at over 60FPS with everything maxed out at 1440x900 and that game is beautiful. It's quite cutting edge and unlike the first game, it's very well-made and optimized to utilize modern hardware to the fullest extent, which means extremely smooth gameplay with this beastly video card. There's one problem: PhysX is slow as shit. I don't know what the deal is, but even with the latest patch for "Mirror's Edge" direct from EA and the settings tweaked properly so that the GPU handles everything, the framerate just drops to unplayable rates when PhysX is turned on. Every other game runes flawlessly, but there's gotta' be something wrong with my GPU's PPU or something. I'm going to try uninstalling and reinstalling everything video card-related using driversweeper and see if that helps, but honestly, it may just be my processor bottlenecking my GPU, which means I need a new motherboard and a new processor at some point. I guess that's next on the computer part list. Such is life. Anyhow, I also paid back a friend and saw that I have two of the four overdraught fees reversed. This means that half of the money problem is resolved, but the rest wont be reimbursed. Still, I'll wind up with about $100 in my pocket after paying people back after this is all over, thanks to those reimbursements. It's much more than I thought I'd end up with, so I guess my buddy and I are going for one hell of a night out on the town, tab on me. I owe him that much for doing me such a favor, despite having cut him such an absurd deal on my old GPU and power supply as is on top of paying him back what I owed him in two days flat. He burned me a movie, on that note! It's called "Repo The Genetic Opera" and it sounds absolutely insane in a lovely, fucked up kinda' way. I'm going to sit down and watch it later or perhaps sometime tomorrow, depending how late I manage to stay up tonight. I've had a weird discomforting stomach ache all day and I just don't feel right. Something's wrong and I don't know what it is, but it's definitely physical. I could just be getting sick again. We'll see, I suppose. I talked to the girl I like for a short while today. Things went well, albeit rather brief and to-the-point. We may be going for a walk tomorrow afternoon or evening just to burn some calories and talk for a while. That could be cool, provided she's actually talkative and into it for a change. I'd enjoy that. My Australian ex-girlfriend dropped by for a total of three minutes, then logged out. I missed my chance to see her tonight, unless she drops by before I go to bed. I was actually looking forward to it, provided tonight is another hilarious and entertaining evening with her. Otherwise, she'll just end up quiet, emotionless and somewhat rude. She seems rather two-faced at times. Oh, before I forget, I tried some of my friend's Xbox 360 cake. It was pretty good, although the icing didn't set too well with me, but that's more of a personal preference; not a direct flaw. His girlfriend did a terrific job making that thing and I was floored when I saw it. Also, I've had nothing to eat today aside from a slice of the Xbox 360 cake and hunk of the Rice Krispy treat controller, so I'm pretty god damn hungry, but I have no appetite. A friend of mind suggested that it may be heartbreak. Could she be right? I don't know, but something's going on and I don't like it. For now, I'm done. Good night. Take care.


Still awake!

Tonight, before I even stopped playing games with my friends, my Australian ex-girlfriend messaged me via MSN. She immediately opened her webcam and ever since, we've been having a terrific conversation. There was a (roughly) two hour break that seriously felt like five minutes. Time has never went by so fast. I was playing a very generic Korean-style MMORPG called "Lunia" through and I had fun with it, despite the overly generic style. I don't know what the hell happened, but when the Australian ex-girlfriend left for a while, I just got immersed into "Lunia" and time went by in an instant. I seriously didn't think any time went by at all, yet I'd done quite a bit in the game, all things considered. Grindy things, but still things no less. When she came back, I immediately shut the game down and continued my conversation with her. It's as if we never stopped talking. It's heavenly in a way, but it's so god damn painful in other ways and that's not even factoring in the other shit I'm still dealing with, which includes the girl I like, the bank, money issues and all sorts of other stuff. Life is fucked up. What can I do about it? Nothing. Things happen that are sometimes out of our control and are therefor unavoidable, so the best we can do is deal with those problems and kick life back even harder than it kicked us in the first place. I'm dealing with things and I'll be okay, but right now, it's very rough and while I wont say that my problems are any worse than those of another human being, I'm finding myself very depressed. It feels like things can't get any worse, even though I know they can; fingers crossed that they don't. But it all comes down to the fact that I'm just as alive inside as I am dead. As I write this and talk to my ex-girlfriend from Australia, who actually signed off for a while and may not be back in time for me to say good night, I feel both fantastic and fucked. I feel depressed, yet strangely happy. It's a very mixed bag of emotions and I don't really know how to handle it. I want to forgive her and remain friends, but I don't know if I can be "just friends" because it's just going to make me want more constantly, which I know isn't possible. I know the possibilities and there's no way I can lie to myself about that. It's just too much to handle and there's not enough to work with. That's not to mention that I have serious feelings for the girl I like and that I'm head over heels for her to the extent that I'd be with her in an instant if she gave me the chance. I'm comfortable with being her friend, but I don't know how long I can contain myself. I'm constantly flirting with her and trying to get her to spend time alone with me. That seems very problematic and even downright wrong, given that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now. I guess I'm pretty fucked no matter how you slice it on the emotional side of things, but at the end of the day, I'll look back on this in a few years and wonder why I was so stupid and immature or something like that. Who knows, though? Maybe by then, I'll have had my chance with the girl I like. Maybe I'll be with her. Maybe we'll be happy together. Then again, who am I kidding? It wont happen, no matter how much I daydream about it. Oh well. Good night, officially. Take care!


Lots of gaming, lots of talking and a few surprises...

Today has been interesting, despite the fact that I haven't really left the house or anything. The friend that's like a sister called me and texted me a bit throughout the day, which is unusual for her, but I think she's finally starting to realize what she was doing before; neglecting her closest friends. So we talked, goofed around for a bit and eventually she ran off to do her thing. Well, come to find out, she called her current boyfriend by the name of her (terrible) ex-boyfriend for the second time by mistake. It wasn't during sex or anything, which in some respects is kinda' worse if you really examine the situation. In short, this means that she was thinking about him rather intently and it carried over to her real-life instead of just her thoughts for a brief moment. That whole thing really upset her boyfriend and in turn, she was a little upset about it for a while. I believe that everything is okay now, but I feel bad for her boyfriend to an extent. I know she means well and that she wont cheat on him or anything, but no one wants to hear that, you know? It's fucked up and she knows it. I still love her like a sister and that's not going to change. She just fucked up. We all do sometimes. Anyhow, her boyfriend and I played "Call of Duty: World at War" for a few hours, then he had to take off for a while to go shopping with her. During that time, I played "Rock Band 2" with two other friends, then we all switched off to "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare", which ultimately ended up with a full five people in our party. We had a blast and while we got smashed during the later part of the night, it was just pure fun. Aside from that, I didn't do a damn thing today at all. I did talk to the girl I like very briefly, but that didn't go anywhere. I talked about her to my sister-like friend, as well. I also talked to a bunch of other people, tried out "Splash Fighters" through and reinstalled a few other games through them. I found out a few yes and no answers from my upcoming game sets I'll have to review, one of which has me rather excited, provided they follow through with their positive response. I tried to find a party in FFXI, which didn't work out too well. I also ate two meals, but I haven't been eating much lately. Food has taken a backseat to other things for many reasons. I've been busy as shit, for one and when I'm not busy I've honestly been too depressed internally to bother worrying about that. I eat when I feel the need, not when I feel slightly famished. I also avoided one of my friends today, who had been trying to call me all day in an effort to come stay over and hang out. Simply put, as much as I love the guy like a brother and as much as I know he means well, I just can't handle him right now. He'll want me to get drunk as shit and play things that I don't want to play right now. He might also try to get me to go somewhere that I don't feel like going. He's fairly predictable and I just didn't feel like dealing with his personality, as fucked up as that might sound, so I just didn't respond to him. It's hypocritical of me and I know it, considering I get very upset when other people do that to me, but that's just how it is, I guess. I don't think anyone's capable of "never" being a hypocrite, unfortunately. Anyhow, as I write this, I'm conversing with my ex-girlfriend from Australia, which may be a bad idea. She's going back and forth. One second she's very into the idea of talking to me and being attentive and entertaining, but the next, she's all about just running off without a care in the world. I don't quite understand it, but I don't like it. Secrecy, sudden disappearances and actions that would make anyone in my situation skeptical are leading me to think that there's some deep agenda that she's planted into her mind that's going to completely blow me away. It's like there's some sort of bomb, ticking away and waiting for the set moment to explode and destroy everything I've ever loved or known. I could just be looking too far into this, which is highly likely, but it still freaks me out. And on that note, a friend of mine introduced me to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I took a serious test and discovered that I'm an INFJ, which is scarily accurate. I read a lot about it, took more tests, repeated the same test a few times and sure enough, I'm officially an INFJ. So, I guess, INFJ 4 lyfe? Good night, guys. Take care.