Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Still awake!

Tonight, before I even stopped playing games with my friends, my Australian ex-girlfriend messaged me via MSN. She immediately opened her webcam and ever since, we've been having a terrific conversation. There was a (roughly) two hour break that seriously felt like five minutes. Time has never went by so fast. I was playing a very generic Korean-style MMORPG called "Lunia" through and I had fun with it, despite the overly generic style. I don't know what the hell happened, but when the Australian ex-girlfriend left for a while, I just got immersed into "Lunia" and time went by in an instant. I seriously didn't think any time went by at all, yet I'd done quite a bit in the game, all things considered. Grindy things, but still things no less. When she came back, I immediately shut the game down and continued my conversation with her. It's as if we never stopped talking. It's heavenly in a way, but it's so god damn painful in other ways and that's not even factoring in the other shit I'm still dealing with, which includes the girl I like, the bank, money issues and all sorts of other stuff. Life is fucked up. What can I do about it? Nothing. Things happen that are sometimes out of our control and are therefor unavoidable, so the best we can do is deal with those problems and kick life back even harder than it kicked us in the first place. I'm dealing with things and I'll be okay, but right now, it's very rough and while I wont say that my problems are any worse than those of another human being, I'm finding myself very depressed. It feels like things can't get any worse, even though I know they can; fingers crossed that they don't. But it all comes down to the fact that I'm just as alive inside as I am dead. As I write this and talk to my ex-girlfriend from Australia, who actually signed off for a while and may not be back in time for me to say good night, I feel both fantastic and fucked. I feel depressed, yet strangely happy. It's a very mixed bag of emotions and I don't really know how to handle it. I want to forgive her and remain friends, but I don't know if I can be "just friends" because it's just going to make me want more constantly, which I know isn't possible. I know the possibilities and there's no way I can lie to myself about that. It's just too much to handle and there's not enough to work with. That's not to mention that I have serious feelings for the girl I like and that I'm head over heels for her to the extent that I'd be with her in an instant if she gave me the chance. I'm comfortable with being her friend, but I don't know how long I can contain myself. I'm constantly flirting with her and trying to get her to spend time alone with me. That seems very problematic and even downright wrong, given that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now. I guess I'm pretty fucked no matter how you slice it on the emotional side of things, but at the end of the day, I'll look back on this in a few years and wonder why I was so stupid and immature or something like that. Who knows, though? Maybe by then, I'll have had my chance with the girl I like. Maybe I'll be with her. Maybe we'll be happy together. Then again, who am I kidding? It wont happen, no matter how much I daydream about it. Oh well. Good night, officially. Take care!


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