An eventful, yet somehow depressing night.

I went to "Buffalo Wild Wings" with a buddy tonight, which was great. The food was delicious, as usual. Despite the fact that I hadn't eaten a damn thing all day, I could only finish about half of my food before I felt too bloated to continue. I also splurged and drank five full glasses of Mr. Pibb. So much for water-only, huh? I guess one day wont kill me, but it's not like I'll go right back to drinking soda ll of the time. I prefer water usually, anyway. Anyhow, I talked to the girl I like the entire time I was there and a bit before that. I came clean to her and admitted that I had a fantasy involving her. That is, a sexual fantasy. She begged me to tell her the details, so I did. It's a rather tame fantasy to be completely honest, but I don't know if I'll be able to look at her without feeling awkward. At least not for a while, anyhow. She also stopped saying much after that and eventually we just phased each other out for the night. There was no conclusive end to our conversation; just complete silence until she probably fell asleep. After all of that went down, I played the PC version of "X-Blades" for a bit, which is totally awesome. It's admittingly very mindless and quite easy, but it's one of those mindless games that's so satisfying that you can't help but smile the entire time you're destroying wave after wave of enemies with godlike power. Also, on my setup, it runs at 120+ FPS even with resolution and texture hacks. It looks terrific, although it uses lots of crazy lighting tricks to compensate for the bland design of the main heroine. Anyhow, I talked to my Australian ex-girlfriend more today. We had a serious conversation about why she still talks to me after what happened, where this is going, her motive(s), Avatar and other things. The conversation was wonderful before and after that bit and her webcam antics were, as usual, hilarious. We made one another laugh constantly, which is a great sign. However, she made it clear that she has feelings for me, she loves me deeply, she does want me and she's talking to me because she "needs" to, not because she "wants" to. She feels like she shouldn't be talking to me because of what happened and because of her best friend over there in Australia, who is also an ex-girlfriend of mine and how I met this girl, but that's another story entirely. In conclusion, I don't think we'll ever be anymore than friends after this point in time, but I don't think it's even a good idea that we talk to one another because of her motives and reasoning. I'm basically only in her life because she can't let go, despite the fact that she doesn't want me around because she "KNOWS" I'm bad for her or whatever it is that's going on in her head. In her own words, she just shouldn't talk to me. This whole thing with her feels pointless and in truth, I might just stop signing into MSN and Yahoo completely for a while and see what happens. A week or two of that should be more than enough to get a concrete reaction that shows me exactly what she's trying to get out of this. Aside from all of that, I played a bit of "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" with two of my closest friends, one of whom is one of my cousins. I did absolutely horrid tonight, as well as last night. The past two nights have been off days and I've been losing my appetite more and more over the past month or two. Something is wrong with me, but I have no idea what it is. Could it be stress? Maybe heartbreak like another friend suggested? Am I seriously ill? The doctors haven't found anything, so I guess I'm fine physically. This has to be a mental or emotional thing and I have to figure out the problem before it becomes the death of me. My anxiety attacks have been happening more often and are far worse than they used to be, too. That's all for now. Steve out! Take care!

-SM