Morally gray...

There's a fine line between good and evil, dark and light, power and weakness; things we all know an deal with every day of our lives. We've all been on both sides, regardless of who admits to it. Everyone has done something evil at some point in their life and realized how terrible it was when they looked back on it. The crazy people are the ones who deny the evil in the first place. That said, I've been doing a bit of lying. I'm not doing anything outright evil here, but it's on that morally gray line that people always question. I'm lying to one of the people who cares about me just so I don't have to spend time with him because he's annoying. When we're out together, it's cool, but when we're at my place or his, it's extremely annoying. He just gets all intrusive and doesn't respect my material property at all. He's also very selfish in the sense that he always has to be doing something he enjoys or he's not happy. And that's not to mention the fact that he gets bored extremely easy because his attention span is like a 5 year-old kid with ADD. On top of that, he's always trying to persuade me to drink, but I'm out of that phase now. I drink sometimes, but I don't really get drunk often at all anymore. I try to be sober and just enjoy life, aside from the occasional trip to a bar or the few parties I host/attend. Anyway, I also make up lies about what I'm doing on Xbox Live. Sometimes friends will invite me to parties to talk or something and I'll just blame Xbox Live and say that I never got the invite or I'll turn the Xbox 360 off and blame Comcast for giving me a "bad connection" that night. I'm starting to alienate my audience because I've become very selective of who I want to spend my time with. I'd rather spend my time alone if I'm not spending it with someone I genuinely care about and what's more is that the person also has to genuinely care about me. I don't spend time with casual acquaintences or assholes. If you care about me, I care about you and we have an understanding, I want to spend time with you and you already know who you are. If I make an effort to contact you regularly or if I play games on Live with you, answer your calls, respond to your texts, etc., you know you're on my good list. Otherwise, there's a problem and you'll need to take that up with me. Anyone reading this, however, is on my good list, so I guess it doesn't matter. With that out of the way, let's talk about my day a bit...

First of all, I woke up around 2PM after having knocked myself out on Diphenhydramine around 1:30AM. That's a whole lot of sleep and I almost stayed in bed for even longer. After finally getting out of bed, I chilled around my room for a while, answered some text messages, checked my e-mail and the other usual stuff, then I made a small pepperoni pizza. After I finished that, I hopped on Xbox Live for a while, where I didn't do much of anything. I talked via text messages and chat clients on the PC for most of the day, received some good news about the gaming industry and got excited a bit about a few things I'm getting for review. Eventually, Mom brought me up some dinner in the form of some really nasty pasta chicken stirfry stuff that was very obviously a random concoction that she'd come up with that just didn't turn out very well. I ate the entire bowl anyway, but later I went down and killed 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on big potato rolls to compensate. As of now, that should be my last meal of the day, aside from a very small potential snack later on. I've had 3 normal meals today, if you hadn't noticed and I actually had an appetite in the sense that I enjoyed the act of eating again, aside from that nasty stirfry stuff Mom made. I also beat off once, which is pretty good considering the lack of that I've been doing lately and if you know me well enough, you know that I'm pretty fucking depressed if I'm not beating off at least once per day. I've been doing it every now and again and even trying to innovate a little, but I think I'll be back on track again, if you get my drift. I'm starting to forget about the girl I previously liked and she's not popping up as often, although something a friend of mine did kinda' upset me. My best friend's boyfriend had asked about the girl I previously liked, so I told him about everything to clarify the most recent and final things that happened on Sunday night. After that, he told me something that in essence proved that my best friend was lying to me. He didn't realize that and he didn't know he was s'posed to keep it to himself, but it upset me a bit to hear about it. Apparently, my best friend doesn't hate the girl I previously liked as much as she claimed to. She spent the majority of her free time yesterday hanging out with her prior to her doctor appointment and she's spending more time with her soon, getting her ears gauged (which is disgusting), etc. She's getting closer again, but her boyfriend and I suspect that she was just making the shit she told me up about not liking her to make me feel better, which in turn means she was close to her the whole time. I don't really understand the situation, but I'm very hurt that my best friend would hide such things from me. I confronted her and I discovered that she confronted her boyfriend about it, too. Apparently she was upset at her boyfriend for telling me the truth, which means she intended on never telling me that shit. I don't really know and I'm trying not to think about it, but I did touch base with her and explain shit that was on my mind. I love her like a sister and I'll always be there for her, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg her to do anything. She doesn't call often, she barely responds to my text messages, she wont answer most of my phone calls and we recently haven't spent much time together, aside from when I offered to pay to go somewhere. On top of that, she bails out on me a lot without saying anything. I know she's been going through shit, but so have I. Regardless of how much I've been through, I've been there for her the entire time. Any time anything goes wrong, I drop everything in my life just to be there for her, even down to ditching another friend to go to the ER with her. My life gets put on hold to make her happy and be by her side. In return, I get pushed away. She denies pushing me away, but all signs lead to that and even her boyfriend seems to think she's edging away from me, based on her words and actions. It's really starting to build up and I can feel the pain eating away at me now.

In other news, my best friend's friend, the one that I previously labeled as "the girl I rarely see" is getting cooler by the day. Every time I talk to her, hilarity and smiles pop up at every step of the way. She's a real sweetheart and I feel bad for the shit she's been through. Hopefully I can help cheer her up when we all get together sometime in the near future.

So, for the time being, I'm done. I may ramble more later, but I'm losing my attention span right now and I need to go do something else. "Castle Crashers" sounds good, but I may run off and play "Cryostasis" instead. Take care!

-SM