Negative news all around...

Yesterday was an excessively disappointing day. The disappointments began when I found out that my friend's boyfriend couldn't make it. He's an awesome guy and I really wanted him to come hang out with us. He surely would have made the night a lot more fun than it turned out to be, at least for me. After that, I found out that my female cousin couldn't make it because of transportation issues, which means we were already down two people. To top that off, one of my friend's best friends was originally not going to show up, but she did at the last minute. Up until that moment, though, we were all a little upset about it. I rarely see her and while I don't know her, she's one of the nicest girls I've ever met and a pleasure to have around. She makes me laugh a lot, which is a big plus. If I wasn't so head over heels for the girl I like, I'd consider giving my best efforts to her, but it's not fair to anyone else if I'm already in love, ya' know? Anyway, everyone finally showed up at my house after we made our rounds to the liquor store and to drop off my copy "Fallout 3" for Xbox 360 to my friend's boyfriend. The girl I like was trying to put off her visit to my house by making random little excuses, but my friend called her and told her to come by, which basically forced her to do so as soon as we got back. When everyone gathered here, that's when everything really started, but let's rewind for a moment...


Before all of this, I spent my entire day setting things up for this night. I planned for everyone to stay over, play video games, watch movies, etc. all night. Not only that, but I spent four full hours hand-making the girl I like a heart-shaped yellow cake with pink icing from complete scratch with no electric tools, mixing utentils or even a heart-shaped pan. It turned out a little unlevel, but it was delicious and looked like a heart, which was good enough for me, given the time schedule I was on. I had no time to borrow the proper tools to make it perfect, so I was proud of my work, albeit a bit nervous. You see, this cake was made for the girl I like as a belated Valentine's Day gift. I poured my heart and soul into that thing with the hope that it would get some sort of awesome reaction and set things in motion. I was extremely nervous and quite worried about what she would think and say in response to the cake, so that carried on all day. I talked to her all day, as well as the others and I browsed the internet, took a bath; the usual stuff. Before I continue with the previous story, though, I need to give you a bit of background as to why this cake was symbolic and what it meant for me. By the end of this story, you might pity me, you might be sad or you might even think that I'm overreacting or just emotionally unstable, but I don't care. The point is, this story has to be told for everything else to be put into perspective...


A long time ago, I had an ex-girlfriend from Pennsylvania whom I was with for around three and a half year. She was my first really serious relationship and she was the only girl that I ever felt love for to any extent, although not as much as I currently feel for the girl I like now, which is crazy. This girl from Pennsylvania essentially moved here to be with me, giving up her previous college that was located five hours away just to be that much closer and we saw one another nearly every weekend. It was fantastic for a long time, but things eventually did go down hill. We had serious arguments, she did some very fucked up things to me and ultimately, I ended the relationship because I caught her in all sorts of lies; we'll leave it at that. It gets much, much worse, but that's another story. So anyway, one of her birthdays came at a bad time. By that, I mean I was expecting it, but I was really broke at the time and I couldn't afford anything fancy, so I had to settle and come up with something that I thought was very special. You guessed it! I bought the materials and baked her a cake from scratch. No cake mix was involved. This cake was ridiculous and took several days to really perfect. It was quadruple chocolate bundt cake. There was no fancy shapes or anything with this one, so that part was easy, but this monstrosity took a whole lot out of me. The final product also included purple gel icing in a circle around the cake that spelled the following in a loop: "I <3 Love <3 You <3". Everything was set and honestly, it turned out to be the best-tasting cake I'd ever had, but I've still never made it since that point in time because of what happened next. She came over here for her birthday and I brought out the cake, sung happy birthday to her and explained the situation. She proceeded to tell me that the cake was not a real gift and went on to really hurt my feelings. The day was over right there. Call me a pansy if you want, but truth be told, I ran up to my room and cried for a few hours. She didn't even try to comfort me because in her eyes, she was completely and utterly right. I don't know why I stayed with her after that, but whatever. Ever since I was with her, though, I've never done any really romantic stuff for anyone. Baking the heart-shaped cake is symbolic of the trust and feelings that I have for her. She knows this, too. I'm willing to risk it all and go beyond my fears just to make her smile. This is the scope of what I was going through.

That said, let's move on. I didn't give her the cake right away. My friend suggested that I grab my "Apples To Apples" party box, since the other two had never played it before, so I did that and we played for a good hour. Everyone had an okay time, but it's just not as fun without the right people or some liquor. I guess I should say that it was fun, but I didn't have much fun because I was still very nervous and to top that off, the girl I like was texting people on her cell phone nonstop. I was getting really annoyed, but I didn't really say anything to her. Eventually, I cleared the table and told the girl I like what was going on. She was being silly and cleaning up our "Apples To Apples" mess, but once that was finished, I grabbed the cake out of the refridgerator and put it in front of her on the table. She didn't really have much of a reaction. She wasn't blushing, she had a smile on her face and she said in a very, very quiet voice, "Thanks." She didn't even sound or seem very enthused. Anyway, we all decorated it slightly together by adding conversation heart candies, rainbow sprinkles and M&Ms in random spots. It turned out really cute and everyone agreed that it genuinely tasted delicious, which included the girl I rarely see, who usually doesn't even like cake. So after that, I was truly starting to feel down on my luck. After the serious time and effort I put into this, I still wasn't getting anywhere with this girl. For a while, I didn't pay it any mind. We sat around in the living room, watched TV for a brief few moments and then we made a trip to my very messy room, where the girls watched a few random shock site videos. And for the record, they asked. I didn't suggest that they go watch the "Pain Olympics" or "2 Kids In A Sandbox", nor did I encourage them to revisit the joy that is "2 Girls 1 Cup". The girl I like had never seen the first or last video on that list and she literally almost vomited on me when watching the last one. I kept telling her I'd stop it, but she forced me to let it play because she has this weird idea in her had that she'll suddenly develop an iron stomach by watching that sorta' stuff. To her credit, she's right, but it takes many years of desensitizing for that; believe me, I know. Nothing phases me anymore. I can watch "2 Girls 1 Cup" and crave a Starbucks mocha malt. That's how fucked up I am after the amount of desensitizing I've been through. Moving onwards, the girls went downstairs and I started ripping my room apart to unhook the Xbox 360 in order to transport it downstairs. After several trips back and forth and a few moments of setup, we played "Rock Band 2" for quite some time. By this point, we'd all stopped drinking except for the girl I rarely see, who kept drinking and was feeling very relaxed. After a few hours of that, everyone except the girl I like went home. This was around four in the morning. The girl I like was ready to dart off, too, but my friend started sending her nasty messages. Here's where it gets bad. First of all, earlier in the night I was sitting behind the girl I like while she was on the floor in front of me playing the game. While I was doing that, I saw her sending text messages to one of her guy friends, whom she always said she had no feelings for. Now, to give you a little background on this kid, she spends a lot of time with him. Every time I ask her to hang out, she's with him or her cousin. That reassures what I'm about to tell you. I don't remember the spot-on exact context, but she kept tilting her phone and hiding it so no one could read it, so I didn't get all too much out of it. Her and this kid were talking about feelings and stuff, so the girl I like told him she was into him and made a bit of flirty comments, etc. There was direct literal statements in which she said she wanted him, among other things. This really started me going downhill for several reasons. Not only was she spending time on her phone texting another guy she has feelings for the entire night, but she didn't even seem to give a shit about the cake that I made her and she avoided being near me as much as she could. She wouldn't sit directly next to me and even opted to sit on the floor instead. When everyone else left, she quickly rushed to the other couch to avoid being next to me yet again. All of this on top of the fact that she didn't say much the entire night. We made a few jokes, but I have a feeling that she would have kept to herself or may not even have come over if not for the other girls being here. I texted the friend who was here as to not cause a disturbance in the peace out loud or cause drama with the information and she told her other friend, whom agreed that this situation is royally fucked up. The girl I rarely see tried to hug me, but as much as I wanted it, I couldn't accept it. I just couldn't be touched. I felt violated by the girl I like in the deepest, most fucked up way possible and I didn't want to be touched by anyone. I was crying and dying on the inside and I was being extremely fake on the outside to cover it up. When the other girls left, my friend texted the girl I like and started bitching her out about what she did to me. I didn't expect that to happen while she was here. That set things into motion for a very deep, involved conversation in which everything was made clear, once and for all. My friend knows that I played dumb and as much as I love her like a sister, I had to lie about what I knew to the girl I like in order to keep the peace and get to the bottom of this shit. It worked, though and everything should be in the clear on that side of things. What I found out, though, is that the girl I like just wants to be better friends. That's the final summary. Out of everything we said, she did say that I'm a sweet guy and she pointed out that I don't get special treatment, but neither does anyone else, so she says. I don't believe that, given her conversation with that other kid, but whatever. That took an hour and a half to conclude. She's not very good at really deep conversations in person or even over the phone. She's a text person, but I try to avoid talking about those sorta' things outside of a face-to-face confrontation. You can't run, hide or back away in a real-life conversation. If you're alone with someone, you're put on the spot and this kind of thing comes up, you just can't avoid it. So yeah, that's what happened. I still love her and there's nothing I can do about that right now, but she doesn't have feelings for or an emotional attachment to anyone right now. She wants to get closer to me, become better friends, spend more time with me and see where it goes, but in her own mind, that doesn't mean that we'll ever really be in a relationship. It just means that she's going to continue talking to her other guy friends, who also like her a whole lot, never let anyone be with her and maybe eventually pick a guy to be with. I doubt that it'll be anyone other than the kid she was texting and I'm pretty sure that she was letting me down intentionally, but still trying to give me hope so she can get my attention and all that shit. I don't understand why it had to happen that way, but it did. She's an emotional slut, to put it simply. She's not going to go around fucking random guys, but she has no problems letting a ton of different guys fall for her, then jerking them around so they believe that she "might" someday have feelings for them. In her own words, she doesn't want me or anyone else to get our hopes up because she doesn't want us to be let down even worse if nothing ever happens. That's just girl talk for "I don't like any of you and I never will, but I really like the attention." I know this and so does everyone else, but I had to let her down easily just for the sake of keeping the peace, so I put on a movie, we fell asleep for a bit, although I didn't really sleep at all just yet, then eventually she woke up, said good bye and rushed off to head home and sleep some more. All told, this was a fucking terrible weekend and I just want to try my best to put it behind me annd look towards the future...without the girl I like. I'm going to pull the "Be a dick" card after a few days. I'll gradually phase her out by talking to her a lot today, then a bit less over the next few days until I sorta' trail off. Essentially, I'm going to ignore her and walk away. The girls don't hang out with her much anymore because she's changed so much, so my life really wouldn't be much different in terms of how I spend my time with my friends and what we do. It's just going to hurt more and more over time until I eventually experience so much pain that I just don't want to be alive. When it gets to that point, I'll break into a million pieces, deal with it, come back stronger and stop worrying about this girl. That's just how it's going to be and I accept it now. She might want to become better friends, but I can't do that. The closer I get, the more I'll want a relationship with her and that's going to be even harder on me. I have to let it go. This weekend was my last stand and I guess I lost. This girl is, to be blunt, heartless. Go figure. I fell for another bad apple. Why couldn't this have been someone else, like the other girl that was here last night? The age difference is still a bit large, but does that really matter? Had I hung around her more often and had the chance to speak to her more regularly, I think that I'd of wanted her even more than the girl I like. She's got the same sense of humor, she's actively funny, she can handle her liquor, she's open and willing to try games and such; she's just genuinely a fun person to be around. Just my luck that I fell for the bad one of the group. It always works that way, doesn't it? Oh well. One day, I'll get over it. I just hope that day comes sooner than later. Oh, and before I go to bed, the other girl that was here got sick as shit when she went home, but then felt much better after she threw up. That's how I get when I vomit from liquor. I'd throw up once, then I feel instantly better. Thanks for reading. It's time for me to get some rest before I lose my mind, pass out at my keyboard and wake up with a stiff neck. My back is already killing me. God damn spasms, I swear. For now, this is it. Steve out. Take care.

-SM