Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Something inside of me...

Since before I began writing this blog, something inside of me has been changing. It's like there's some sort of demon trying to break free and I wont let it out to play. I've gradually lost my appetite and haven't eaten other than for the sake of survival for over a month. I'm not as shy, but despite how much more open I am with everyone, I'm much more prone to pain. I feel it more when anyone says or does something that could even mildly hurt me. I worry a lot more than I should even over the stupidest comments and even jokes makes me sad sometimes now. I've grown much more sensitive of my appearance and my weight. I've opened my mind to nearly every genre of music, which even includes emo, which I used to hate. Country is the only genre I still can't stand, but it's not because I hate the genre as a whole, rather there's just no songs I like. I've also started getting much more in touch with my emotions to the extent that I feel lonely whenever I'm not around at least one person I'm comfortable with. I've started to fall for people quicker, but it's harder for me to recover from the process when I'm let down or hurt. I've started to stray away from gaming by myself in favor of gaming online with friends. I barely play games without friends anymore, on that note. I've started keeping in touch with more people. I've started being more open with family, aside from certain people I don't trust, such as my mother and my sister. All of this and so much more that I just can't explain. Something is happening to me and I don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been hanging around girls a lot more than guys lately. I like hanging around girls because they don't judge me or tease me as much for being feminine or honest with them. They tend to accept me for who I am, no matter what "dark secrets" I may have. My guy friends make fun of me, call me gay or whatever else they decide is fitting for the moment. My girl friends are very accepting and especially the one I hang out with and talk to most often, who is so accepting of me that I can tell her when I'm taking a shit and she just laughs at me and makes jokes about it. I can tell or show her anything and she wont judge me for it. She loves me for who I am and I love her; we're like brother and sister and that's never going to change. I'd never get that close to any guy. It just hasn't happened and never will because they don't and wont accept me. Even the girl I like(d) doesn't seem to judge me negatively for anything, despite all of her flaws and how fucked up she is. It's just a more positive environment for me and I can be myself without fear of anything. The funny thing is, though, that I still fear everything. I'm scared, worried and paranoid almost every second of every day for some reason or another. I don't understand myself, but for now, that's what I can make of it. Maybe I'll think some more and write about it later, but for now, this is Steve taking a break. Take care!


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