Saturday, January 31, 2009

On and off, up and down...

So, I was feeling fine yesterday. I went over my cousin's house, met her friends and was honestly kinda' bored the entire night. I was wishing that I'd of just stayed at home, played Devil May Cry 4 and went to bed on my own terms, in my own bed in my own room. I wound up getting a maximum of 2 hours of broken sleep and now my throat is fifty times worse than it was at the beginning of the sickness. I didn't do anything at all and while the 2 friends of my cousin's that I met were very chill people, we just didn't do anything. We didn't play any games and we only watched one movie. The rest of the time, my cousin was just made her friends clean her room with her. The movie we watched, "Home Room" was pretty cool, I guess. I cried a bit at the end, although I hid it from the others pretty well. They also made some stupid video of them enacting out "The Neden Game" by Insane Clown Possie, which was absolutely terrible. I had to hold the camera and I was just bored and tired. I did get to talk to the girl I like on and off for a while, so that was cool, but I experienced a rather major stint of jealousy. She told me about some other guy being all over her and I just felt it overcome me for a moment. I don't know why because I'm not even with her and I don't even think she'd want to be with me, given the circumstances on her end of things. We had a decent conversation, though, so that was a good hilight of the day. The only fun thing we did was a 30 minute game of Apples To Apples when everyone first got to their house. By the time her friends left, I was kicked out of the room and sent up to the family room, where I spent about an hour talking to my aunt and her friend, then I moved to the secondary family room with the huge television. A friend of mine called my cell when he got home and I talked to him for about an hour while I watched "The People Under The Stairs" on FearNet. I confessed something major to him, though. You see, my brother and I got into an argument right before I left last night. My sister yelled at me and started bitching because I was eating a second helping of pizza, which is normal for me, especially when I haven't eaten anything for an entire day. She got on my case and was insulting me, as if she was saying I ate all sorts of shit. I know what I ate and while I'm not proud of it, I starved myself yesterday in a sense, aside from the pziza. A lot was going on in my mind and I just didn't want to do anything, which included eating. Anyway, I yelled at her for being a bitch about something as stupid as food, when we always have 2 entire pizzas left every time we order pizza. After doing so, my brother failed to see my point and started ripping into me. He called me a loser, said that he's better than me and all sorts of other nasty shit. I shrugged it off, but when I thought about it later, it made me feel dead inside. Yet, at the same time, I could feel my rage building up inside. It's like my fist is burning with an eternal blue flame, branded with my brother's name. I want to break his nose, rip into him and let him know how he's always made me feel. This rage is building up more and more and I need to see a professional psychologist before anything bad happens. Not only is he my brother, but he has a child and to top that off, I'd rather not go to jail or ruin my reputation over something like that. I need help and I know it. I admit it and I want it. I need to take care of this. But on the same note, my brother needs help. He has serious anger management issues and a serious superiority complex. It's outrageous and it sickens me. And with that, I told Mom about what happened and she suggested a no-holds-barred family meeting, where everyone sits down, speaks their mind and doesn't yell. That would not happen. I promise you, dear reader, that it would turn into them all unleashing their rage on me, making me feel like shit and ultimately deeming me the source of their problems, when I have nothing to do with anything. I mind my own business and stick to my own life, yet somehow I'm the root of all evil in this house through their eyes. I told her straight up that I wont take part in such a meeting, but I admitted that I want to see a shrink. I didn't tell her the truth like I told my friend, but she said she'll look into it and she'd even pay for it if she had to. She thinks it's for another reason, but she can think that all she wants. Whatever it takes to get this aggression out of myself and get everything off my chest. I've realized that I truly hate myself, but I hate a few other people even more than myself. That has to change before I let loose. And on the subject of my throat, I think it's time to see a doctor; for real this time. I'm pretty sure that I need some serious antibiotics and a very potent prescription throat-numbing spray, then I'll be fine. This has a 99% chance of being strep throat, based on my own past experiences. That's all for now. I'm going to knock myself out. Take care.


Friday, January 30, 2009

The beginning of a hopeful weekend...

I don't know what just yet, but sick or not, I'm setting something up this weekend. I don't know what, but I need to spend time with my friends. The girl I like is always babysitting and when she's not doing that, she's always doing something else that doesn't involve me. I'm pretty sure it's a lost cause, so I need to just try my best to let it go, as hard as that may be. Anyway, the point of that is this: She's not coming to hang out this weekend at all. It's like she's prepared to counter my invites for the next year. It's ridiculous. I'll never understand girls like that. She says all of these nice things to me and always likes hanging out with me when other people are around, but she avoids being alone with me and no matter what she says, she counters it all with contradictive actions. Whatever, though. I need to look towards the future, be happy and just keep my game on. By that I mean I have a shitload of games to finish and I'm slowly burning through the pile. My new Devil May Cry 4 save file should be finished on both easy and normal modes by the end of this weekend; perhaps maybe even tonight if nothing else happens. After that, I'll finish Dead Space, which should be one good 5-6 hour sitting. From there, I don't know what I'll play. I need to look at the stack of games and see what I'm farther into. Anyway, today is boring and I feel a little better, but I'm going to go take a bath and figure out what the hell I'm doing today, if anything. I'll be back later for more! Take care!


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Getting better...

I've probably just jinxed it, but I seem to be on my way to recovery from this god damn flu. I've been sick as shit for over a week and it's just getting old. All I've been doing is thinking, sleeping, playing games and beating my dick a lot. Today I played more Devil May Cry 4. I'm up to mission 11 on both Human and Devil Hunter modes, so I'm just about to start playing as Dante again. About god damn time, I must say! He's SO fun to play as in Devil May Cry 4, even though you don't get to play as him for all that long! Still, he rocks and he can be used for Bloody Palace, so all is well! Anyway, I also downloaded a few PSX games I missed having, such as Parasite Eve, Breath Of Fire IV and a bunch of others. Other than that, I honestly haven't done much of anything today. I woke up around 3PM and just haven't felt like doing much. I did an E3 dose via I-Doser, which fucked me up pretty bad for maybe 20 minutes after the dose was finished, but that's about it. Maybe I'll figure out something to do before the night is over, but it's too late to get anything real going tonight, so it'll probably be another all-night gaming marathon. That's it for now. Steve out! Take care!


Lost in thought...

Today was quite possibly the most boring day I've dealt with in quite some time. After messing around with my storage drive a bit and tweaking my sound card, I removed all of the bloatware from my sister's newer desktop and went on a Dynamis-Windurst run in FFXI as Ninja. We got the clear quite easily, although it was still a boring 3+ hours, seeing as we always end up starting 45-60 minutes late. I obtained my Ranger relic gloves and the last clear I needed before Dynamis-Beaucadine is opened up for me, so it wasn't a completely pointless run for me, as boring as it was. I watched a few episoded of "The Office", half-assed about half of Resident Evil: Extinction and added a few more movies to both of my NetFlix queues. The Ring came from NetFlix today, which I was supposed to watch with the girl I like, but I know that wont happen. The more I think about it, the more I loathe her, yet I can't help but want her more and more every day. I don't understand it. It's like I want to be tortured and destroyed. And that's not to mention the deep rooted thoughts I've been having about my ex-girlfriend, her miscarriage and what happened yesterday. To top that off, it seems like I'm getting better, but my throat is getting worse again, so I might need to see a doctor after all for that. I may need antibiotics of some sort. It wouldn't be the first time and it probably wont be the last. I talked to a friend of mine briefly today, whom I really missed talking to. I don't know why she always puts her friends off for her boyfriend. It drives me crazy and there's nothing I can do about it. It feels like she used me to fill that void of male affection until she found a steady boyfriend. It makes me sick when I think about it, but I don't know if this is a phase or not. I can only cross my fingers and hope that she'll come out of this within' the next 1-3 months. I miss my friend. She's basically my sister. Oh well. I'm done for now. Take care.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009


After playing a bit more Devil May Cry 4, I played some Call of Duty 4 and finished the night off with a round of Versus mode in Left 4 Dead. Upon turning my Xbox 360 off, I decided to try out I-Doser. I don't have much experience with it yet, but I think it has potential to a certain extent. I don't think it's all my cousin hyped it up to be, but it's not terrible, either. Alcohol.drg in particular worked very well, but the others I tried didn't do much. Maybe it's because I was trying to switch too rapidly. Maybe you just need to wait a while before using another file, but either way it was pretty neat. I'll try it again another time. The girl I like hasn't said anything to me all day, but I've also not tried to contact her again yet since the last time, either. I think I'm going to let it go for a few days and see if she initiates contact with me at all. She has to do some of the chasing or this just wont be any fun. Anyway, I'm about to take some more Theraflu, hop into bed and get some real rest. Cya tomorrow. Take care!


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Just another let down...

I don't know what's worse: The fact that I keep going back to her or the fact that she keeps repeating the same actions every time. I can't help myself, but neither can she. It's a fucked up lose-lose situation. She bailed out on me again. We were going to hang out, play in the snow, etc. She bailed out to go to Chuck-E-Cheese's, but she never sent me another message after that. She didn't have to go there today, either. And she could have said something before she went, but she just up and left. I didn't know that we weren't hanging out until I asked her a bit later, so I didn't have much time to make new plans and thus, I sat here playing some more Devil May Cry 4 and a bit of FFXI. I gained almost a full level on my Ranger job, then pulled another fake disconnect act because the party was getting on my nerves. They would go AFK for 10 minutes every 5 seconds. It was driving me insane. There was far too much downtime, so I just got bored. Aside from that, I talked to a few friends and relaxed a lot. I'm starting to feel a bit better physically, so that's good I guess. That's all for now. Boring night. Take care.


Last night

After I hopped off the computer, I played some Devil May Cry 4, surprisingly enough. The craving settled in and I just went for it. And now, well let's just say that I don't think I'll be playing much else until I finish Devil May Cry 4. I'm glad I gave into the urge for a change. After that, I played one round of Versus mode in Left 4 Dead with one of my cousins, our mutual friend and an Xbox Live friend of ours. That was good fun, but I couldn't focus because I felt so shitty. Upon jumping out of Left 4 Dead, a strange sensation came over me to reveal the truth to my ex-girlfriend's best friend about our relationship. I don't want to get into the details right now, but let's just say that our relationship failed mostly because we were living a lie. Not many people on her side of things knew about me and it kinda' hurt. A short while later, I received a response to that e-mail, which was both thankful, happy and depressing. My ex lost her baby. She wasn't ready to have a child, I'll admit that, but all the same she was excited. She finally had a name picked out. And what's worse? Well, now she has a shitstorm of drama to deal with because of me. I mean I know there's nothing I could do about it. It's not like I can predict when shit like that happens, ya' know? But I still feel guilty. I feel terrible about it. As much as I don't want her in my life, I just want to hold her and tell her that it'll be okay. No one deserves that. NO ONE. Next, one of my best friends logged on Live and we just talked for about an hour about any and everything. He comforted me a bit and just helped me clear my head, which really made me feel better about some things in the long run. As soon as we stopped talking, I basically passed out in my bed until about 30 minutes ago. My Theraflu is all gone, so I'm basically fucked in terms of my symptoms. I'll feel all of the pain of this sore-as-shit throat, my body is going to ache constantly and I wont be able to sleep properly. I would get another bottle, but I'm not so sure if that's a good idea. There has to be a reason that they tell you not to take it for more than 3 days, right? Anyway, I feel like complete shit and every little thing is bothering me. Take care.


Monday, January 26, 2009

Sick, sick, sick!

So, I basically slept all day today, aside from about 45 minutes of partying in FFXI as my Ranger, which hit level 65 tonight. I pulled a classic "fake disconnect" maneuver about 5 minutes afterI leveled because the party leader was a jackass with his head so far up his own ass that he could definitely taste his own shit. Anyway, the girl I like didn't respond all day until about 10 minutes ago when I sent her a brief "I hope you're okay! Sweet dreams!" message. Her phone had been dead. It's charged now, but she's going to sleep because she has school tomorrow, so there wont be any conversation tonight. I'm a bit disappointed that she made no effort to contact me throughout the day. We were supposed to hang out and while I'd of said no because I'm sick as shit anyway, it's the thought that counts. She basically ditched me all day and left me hangin', as they say. Such is life. I'm being played with, I know it and I'll probably continue to let this happen until my heart is inevitably broken all over again. It's my own fault at this point and I know it. Whatever, though. But on a random (weird) note, I haven't had the urge to play many games lately at all. I have a ton of them that I've left incomplete and I really enjoy every single one of them, but for some reason, even when I get the craving and urge to play one of them, I just can't get the nerve to do so. It's like they're sitting there, making fun of me for all of the money I threw away on my gigantic stack of Xbox 360 games that I just don't ever make use of, yet I can't get rid of them. I'm far too attached. I keep thinking that I'll get around to playing them all "one of these days". We'll see, I guess. The medicine is kicking in full-force again, though, so it's about that time again. Take care!


Not the first time and definitely not the last...

I'm sick as shit, but that mutual friend of the girl I like and myself gave me information to a free health care clinic about four minutes away from my house. I'm going up there either today or tomorrow at some point, but it's a well-needed visit to the doctor. I need to get fixed up. Being sick like this is terrible and it's impacting my mood at every step of the way. In other news, I pretty much haven't done anything today just yet. I woke up around two hours ago and since then, I've just been listening to music and jacking myself up on Theraflu. I shouldn't be taking the nighttime stuff right now, but it makes me so tired that I just don't even care about the symptoms I have. For the record, Christina Milian is awesome. I don't care what anyone else says; she's one of the best pop artists of our time. Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick update for now. More later! Take care.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'm a glutton for punishment, apparently..

Despite my findings about the girl I like, I can't stop thinking about her. She still stands out in my mind at every corner. We had a brief chat before I went to sleep earlier tonight, but she made one sweet comment, then said that we "need to do something together" soon. She may be coming over tomorrow. What's wrong with me? Why am I letting this happen, even after knowing what she's doing? I'm letting her fuck with me and it's my own fault at this point. I just can't stop. There's no way I can back down. I can't bring myself to do it. There's something about her that I can't quite place my finger on; I need to have her. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel broken. I know I'm fucked up for continuing this game, even after knowing I'm only being played. She hangs out with and fucks her most recent ex-boyfriend sometimes, she's never very clear about things and she flirts with a bunch of other boys, self-admittingly for nothing other than attention. She is, quite literally, an attention whore. I'm just one of many, but I can't help jumping at every chance I get for her attention. What's wrong with me? I wish someone would tell me because I surely don't fucking know. I'm a wreck right now and I don't think I can end this chapter myself. I need to let things run the intended course, keep acting like a moron and get hurt before I'll really stop. It's masochistic and I know I'm in for a world of hurt, but that's the only way that this is going to end. I wont stop until I've been beaten, tattered and thrown to the side. I think I fell for a girl who doesn't want to fall for me...


History repeats...again

Well, today was really fun. My friends and I played Apples To Apples for the entire duration of the party, I ate a good bit of food and, at least for now, I don't feel "as" sick. There's just one slight problem. You see, the mutual friend of myself and the girl I like revealed some rather disturbing things to me about the girl I like. The problem with these things is that this mutual friend doesn't lie, no matter how much it hurts. She would tell me, for better or for worse, exactly what's going on. So, it's with great disappointment and a high degree of sadness that I have to reveal those same truths to you, my loyal reader(s). First of all, the girl I like still hangs out with her ex-boyfriend and on top of that, she more or less lies about it. They still have sex, they still cuddle up and they act like they're in a relationship, but neither of them wants to be together with the title because they just aren't "right" for one another. Second, she's talking to a bunch of other guys, just like she did in the past and she's telling them all the same things as me. I'm just another one of the many. In her eyes, I'm honestly no one special. I mean so little, in fact, that she can't even just be honest with me and clear things up. She lies about where she's at and what she's doing, she hides things and she gives me completely obvious mixed signals. And to top that off, she hasn't said anything at all about me to any of her girlfriends, most of whom are mutual friends of mine. I'm just some dirty little secret. She uses me for attention, just like the other guys. In fact, she more or less told our primary mutual friend that exact fact, only used it on a broader scale. She uses every guy she talks to for attention. Every guy treats her like a piece of meat and she allows it to happen. She constantly gets hurt because of that, too. I wouldn't treat her bad and our mutual friend knows it. She said she even feels bad for me because she knows that this shit cuts me deep and she knows that I really care about the girl I like and that I'd take good care of her. She hates how the girl I like is treating me, but there's nothing I can do about it. That said, I'm calling the shots from now on and it's game over for the girl I like. There's not much hope for her, after all. I thought she changed, but I guess she never will. I need to do something to get my mind off her before I start crying, throwing a fit and doing stupid things. Not many things can get to me, but this situation really hurts. It cuts me deeper than any one of you can imagine, regardless of how "typical" this situation may be. Goodbye for now. Take care.


It feels like I was ran over by a truck

I don't have long, but today is a terrible, yet also amazing day. I woke up with the flu, but today is the first birthday party ever for my youngest niece. I love her to death. The girl I like can't come, but our mutual friend and her boyfriend are on their way right now. There will be tons of food, plenty of drinks and lots of people at the hall for this wonderful celebration. I'm jacked up on Theraflu, IBUprofin and my inhaler, but I still feel like shit. I didn't sleep almost at all last night and there's not much I can do about it now. I hate being sick. Anyway, I'll be back after the party. Take care.


Good days, bad days; who's to say, really?

The difference between a good day and a bad day is almost always a single event. To one person, something as small as stubbing their toe may cause a huge shit storm that destroys anything in it's path. To another person, though, something like a clear, starlit sky can turn a terrible day into the most beautiful night of the week. I'm discovering more and more than the girl I like and I are very much alike in all of the right ways, yet just different enough to be compatible without boring each other to death. After all, who wants to date themselves? We had a very long and involved talk today that really didn't reveal all that much, yet at the same time it opened many doors that I wasn't expecting to be opened. She responded positively to everything I said, but openly admitted once and for all that she just isn't sure about how she feels about me. It's very obvious that she has some sort of attraction to me and that she likes who I am, but she just hasn't really developed any serious feeling or attachment yet. That's okay, though. She reacted positively and that's good enough for me. She's a wonderful woman and I'm willing to work with her and search for that spark. I've never met anyone like her and honestly, I'd be willing to risk it all for her. Tonight, I'm celebrating my life because in a literal sense, I'm a part of her life and that's what matters most to me. Oh, before I go, here's a brief summary: I spent my day being sick, talking to the girl i like and celebrating my brother in-law's birthday party for 2 hours. Her phone died, she went to plug it in and hasn't come back. I'm sure everything's okay. Why wouldn't it be, after all? Today is a wonderful day. Thank you for reading. Take care.


Saturday, January 24, 2009

She's always on my mind...

For some reason that I can't explain, I can't get her out of my head. She's there, in absolutely everything I see. No matter where I go, what game I play, who I'm with or what I'm dreaming about, she always pops up. Sometimes it's a brief cameo, but she always lights up the room, even if she's only there for 5 seconds. I don't know why this happened or why I feel so connected to her, but I'm not going to fight it. I'll let this happen and even if she hates me by the time this is over, then so be it. I need to take this risk because I've never felt this way about someone before; not like this. This is weird. I've been in deeply involved relationships, one of which even lasted over 3 1/2 years, but this woman that I've only hung out with a total of 8-10 times and only around our mutual friend; SHE'S the one who makes me feel this way. I didn't choose to feel this way about her, but I don't want to fight the feelings. If she wants to fight me off, that's okay, but at least I can say that I tried when it's all said and done. She's worth the risk, that's for damn sure. I don't care what anyone says or does in this world. What matters is that I'm the one who has these unexplained feelings and that I'm the one who thinks she's terrific. To me, she's a goddess and I want to show her the world, as the expression goes. She's beautiful in every sense of the word and I just can't stop thinking about her. My fingers are crossed, but ultimately, only time will tell what happens to "us". I wont give up so easily. I'll face time head-on until I have my answer. Everyone needs a reason to live, after all. That reason changes constantly for most people, but lately that reason hasn't changed at all; the girl I like is the reason I'm living right now. I need to go take a bath and finish cooking my pizza. I'll be back later. Take care.


Random afternoon jumble - recap of last night

So, the friend who came over last night arrived practically on time, which is a first for me in a long time. People are almost always late these days. When he arrived, we basically just chilled in the living room for about an hour before we went up to my room and just talked. I helped him install FFXI with the free CDkey and month trial I had, then we both set up good ol' Diablo II and played that for about 45 minutes. We honestly didn't do much, but I had fun. I hope he did, too, although I'm not too sure to be completely honest, given that it was so late, there wasn't much to do and my room is so small that we didn't have a lot of room to do anything else. We started watching "Walk Hard", but we both fell asleep within the first 15 minutes or so of the movie. Eventually I just went up to bed, where I had a lot of trouble sleeping because Josh and I both caught some sort of terrible cold. Right after Pneumonia, too; Go figure! I only had about 4 real hours of sleep last night and I feel like shit, but I'll live. Anyway, the girl I like and I also talked for a while. She said she missed me again, we talked about the concept of "us" and she eventually lost signal. I know this because I received 4 copies of the exact same message around noon today in response to a message I sent before I told her good night, which she also did not respond to. I'm not sure if the signal problem was on her end or mine, but it was at such a bad time. Anyway, she didn't really make any comments about wanting to be with me this time. She just sort of said it didn't bother her that I felt the way that I do and that was it. I guess it's a start, but we'll see what happens. I invited her to hang out 5 times so far and she's been unable to come every time. I realize that she's a family woman and is constantly doing things with them, plus she has school, work and other things to tend to; she babysits a lot, for example. Still, the only reason we haven't spent time together, I'm sure, is the fact that she just isn't ready to try for this full-force. She may be afraid of what her parents will say or any number of other things, ya' know? I completely understand those fears because I'm a bit scared myself, but I just hate playing cat and mouse. I just want things to be okay. I want to know how this is going to go down. I guess I'm asking for too much, but god damn I wish I had the power to control time! Anyway, I'm off to go make something to eat, fill my body up with water, take some medicine and if I get around to it, I'll get some rest. My cousin was supposed to come hang out today, but that's not happening now that I'm sick again. Take care!


Still confused

The girl I like is so weird. I just don't get it. One minute, she doesn't want anything to do with me, then the next she makes a fair effort to give me some sort of attention. It's back and forth constantly and I have no idea how to handle it. Mixed signals is a normal thing between two people potentially looking to be together, but this is absurd! Anyway, I hope she realizes how much I care about her. I also hope that she genuinely cares about me and is willing to really give this a try instead of avoiding it and running away. I know it's all based around her own personal fears and nervousness, but really it's either we go for it or we don't. Beating around the bush forever is just going to waste both of our time. I wish she'd just tell me that she either wants to be with me or she doesn't. One way or the other, I'd rather know what she wants so I can wrap this up and move on from this ever-lingering subject. Anyway, I played FFXI for a few hours today and ate a big plate of KFC food. That was pretty much my entire day. In FFXI, I did the usual three rounds of Moblin Maze, helped a friend of mine with his second limit break quest and gained almost 2 full levels on my Ranger job, which is overhalfway to level 65 now. As it stands, I'm waiting for another friend of mine to get dropped off so we can hang out and be nerds for a few hours. Hopefully the night will become more eventful when that happens. He's an awesome guy and he always means well, so I'm sure he'll be the man for the job! For now, take care!


Friday, January 23, 2009

Another day, another life

I woke up around an hour and a half ago as of this writing, but I'm already in a thoughtful state of mind. I need to relax and stop thinking about things so much before I end up letting things really bother me. One of my best friends has gradually been slipping away and now rarely speaks to me. When I see her, it's more like she feels obligated to spend time with me every so often just to keep the peace. She used to call me at least once per day and we were almost constantly talking via text messages and AIM. Now, however, it takes a lot of work to even get a single responses out of her and when she sends out those responses, it's almost always very brief and unfounded. If it's not brief or unfounded, it's some sort of excuse she's using to turn me down to spend time together. I invite her boyfriend most of the time, but even when I do, they just end up staying inside together all night. I understand the need to be with the one you love, but are you serious? Is it really okay to just throw away friendships like that and make other people feel like you don't care at all? The last time her and I hung out, the only reason we did so is because I offered to pay. She wouldn't have come out had I not put aside money for the both of us. I guarantee it. This is the same friend that the girl I like hangs out with, too, so it makes things even harder right now, especially considering that the girl I like has also been very brief, distant and confusing lately. It seems like she has absolutely no interest and is constantly pushing me aside, so as much as I really don't want to, I think it's time to seriously back off and just let it go. It's time for a change. I need to meet new people, spend more time with my other friends and try my best to forget about this stuff for now. No one likes to lose friends, especially those who knows those personal dark secrets that no one else out there knows. I don't have very many dark secrets that anyone knows about, but the ones that she knows are the deepest ones that I've ever told anyone. They wouldn't defame me or ruin my reputation, but it would certainly require explanation if such things got out to the public. Anyway, the point is that I that I really trusted her, I spent a lot of time, money and effort on our friendship and to top it all off, I really like her friend. I don't want to lose those girls, but I may have to stop fighting and let them go. It's beginning to seem like a lost, albeit painful cause. But for now, I need to head off. I'm trying to figure out what I feel like doing today, if anything, but I'll surely be back later with more to talk about. Take care!


Finishing what I started

The only thing I've done all day since my last post is watch the remaining episodes of Dexter. That's a total of 9 full episodes after I came home. I was exhausted before, running on very little sleep on top of a full day of harsh work, but now I'm so tired that my body almost feels numb. However, I couldn't resist a quick post before bed. As season 3 of Dexter played out before my eyes, I cried profusely at the end of nearly episode from 4-12. This is the first night for at least 7 years that I've shed enough tears that they drip down my face. You see, I have some medical condition that I always forget the name of; my eyes have trouble producing tears. When I cry, it's usually not even noticed by most people because there aren't any visible tears. Tonight, however, the tears were flowing like a calm stream down my face. It felt good to let it all out like that for a change, even if it was only because of a television show. It made me realize that I honestly need to cry more. I need to force myself into it, even if it just means watching extremely sad shows sometimes. Otherwise, I let it build up to such an extent that I damn near lose my mind. It's just not healthy to let all of that emotion build up for so long. Anyway, there's not much else to say right now. I had a few dreams last night, although all I remember about them are the general concepts and vague imagery. The first dream was about me grabbing a job as a bigwig in the gaming industry under the Atlus company name. The second dream was about an ex-friend of mine coming to live out here and weird stuff happening. The third and final dream was about the girl I like and I actually having a relationship together. All three dreams were quite powerful, as I recall it. I just wish that I could remember more. Anyway, it's 6AM and I'll have been awake for a full day in 3 hours, so I need to get some rest. Good night, BlogSpot! Take care!


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Work, work, work!

As predicted, my cousin and my aunt arrived a slight bit after 11AM. From there, we stopped by Taco Bell, where my aunt bought us all lunch. I had a delicious 1/2 pound beef & potato burrito and a tall cup of ice cold water. From there, it was a steady and safe early trip to their home. After we got there, I chilled out for about an hour, then I really got put to work. What was supposed to be a re-wiring job turned into a huge series of crazy errands, back-breaking work and tons of reorganization. They led me to believe that this job was far easier than it turned out to be. I was told it would take me "20 minutes at most". 20 minutes my ASS! My cousin kept making me do stupid errands that she could have easily done herself and because I'm far too nice, I kept doing them for her. But I regress, as this long day has come to an end and I can finally relax. Plus, I DID get 2 free computer towers and a computer monitor out of it. I can use those to build a single working tower, I'm sure and give it to someone in need of a computer (whom does not currently own one at all; not just an upgrade). I haven't received many responses from people today and the girl I like has yet to say anything to me, but that concludes this post. I might update again later if I do anything else before I crawl into bed and pass out. Take care!


Way too early

I am SO not used to being awake this early anymore. I had a hell of a time forcing myself to get any amount of sleep at all last night in preparation for today's venture to my cousin's place, but I was awake and ready by 9:15AM. I had an alarm set AND two people calling me to make sure I was awake, but I was awake before the alarm even went off. I've been ready and waiting since then. They were set to be here at 10:00AM, but it's 10:47AM as of this writing and they're still not here. Chances are, it wont be until 11:00AM or even later that they show up. This should not be the case, given that I'm doing them a free service that is probably going to take a few hours and would most definitely cost a pretty penny if someone else was doing it for them. If you're going to be an hour late, tell me in advance. Don't just disappear and expect me to be okay with that when I'm going out of my way to help you. When I', giving up sleep and waking up early as hell just for you, don't stiff me like that. To me, this is offensive and quite disrespectful, especially because it involves family. I wont let it bother me, but for the moment I'm annoyed at how crappy some people can be. Oh and the girl I like "forgot" about me and got "distracted" yesterday, supposedly. She seemed rather uninterested in talking to me and also did not respond to my "Good morning." text today, which is rather unusual of her. The vote is in and I'm pretty sure that I need to step back, clear my head and stop trying so hard for her. I'll just start letting things happen. If she doesn't care enough to let it progress, that's all on her. I've done my part and I can't do anymore until she shows some initiative, assuming she's really interested at all. More random jumble later, but for now, I'm going to take off, relax and cross my fingers that they get here soon. Take care.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A major chapter of my life has officially come to a close

My most recent ex-girlfriend deleted her MySpace, I blocked her on every messaging program she has access to, I deleted her from my contacts list, I put her in my e-mail spam filters and sent her one last message letting her know that this is just how it has to be. There's no way she can contact me any longer. It's for the best and honestly, it's quite a big relief. She hurt me quite a bit over the course of our (almost) 4 month relationship and I just need to keep her at bay so I can forget as much as I can in order to move on properly. Upon doing this, the feelings I have for girl I like have been heightened to a certain extent. I wouldn't call it love, but I have nothing else to worry about anymore in the realm of girls and it feels great to know that I could commit to her one-hundred percent in the event we actually decide to really be together as an ever-growing couple. I'm a little confused, though because she doesn't seem to want to talk much the past few days. I hope that everything is okay. I'm sure she just wants some space and that she's just busy with other things, but it's just something to keep in mind, I guess. Anyhow, I haven't done much of anything else today, although I've done some research and was told some rather exciting news on the journalism side of my life. I'm not sure if I can or am able to discuss it publically, but let's just say that I'm very excited about my upcoming projects! In FFXI, Dynamis-Windurst was scheduled, but they switched it to Dynamis-Jeuno because someone else hijacked our Dynamis-Windurst time. I bailed out because I can't handle doing the same exact run two times in a row. That's far, far too boring for me, especially when there's nothing I or really anyone else can get out of it. Everyone has basically everything good from there, aside from a handful of people who just need the clear to unlock Dynamis in the northlands. I also played a small bit of Perfect Dark Zero on the Xbox 360, which I haven't done for quite some time by myself. I might go back and finish a few more levels of the solo campaign again for old time's sake before I force myself into bed early. Tomorrow morning is when I'm set to help my cousin and her parents with the computer situation, so I have to make sure I'm well-rested and ready to go before 10AM. It's been a rather boring day, aside from the extremely exciting business news, but ya' can't win 'em all, I guess! For now, I'm off to kill some time. Take care!


For better or for worse

The rest of the day was rather uneventful, but I do have a few things to share. I decided against trading my games in to GameStop and if I get rid of them at all, it'll be through eBay or Amazon. I set up plans to hang out with one of my friends and two of his own friends who came down from Virginia, but I'm too tired to hang out. They took way, way too long to get down here, so they're just going to hang out with the mutual friend in this situation at his place. Instead, I spent over three hours helping two of my closer friends farm coffer keys in FFXI. The Kuftal Tunnel key dropped somewhat quickly, but after over two hours, the Quicksand Caves key still hadn't dropped and I lost my connection to the game, so I just said "Forget about it." and came to write this blog before bed. About an hour after we started our key hunt, something interesting, but also exciting happened. The girl I like sent me a text message that said she was sorry because she wasn't ignoring me, but she'd just been busy. There had been personal issues keeping her busy, which we discussed thoroughly for a little while before she headed off to bed. I kept my cool and reassured her that everything is okay, told her that there's no reason for her to be sorry and wished her sweet dreams. All's well that ends well and while today was an uneventful day, I'd say it wasn't a bad day. My recently diagnosed anxiety has been trying to kick in all night, but I've kept it under control thus far. Let's hope it stays that way long enough to fall asleep without having an anxiety attack. I'm off to get a drink, maybe hop in for a quick bath and then get some sleep. Good night!


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

History in the making

Ah, January 20, 2009. Today is one of the most exciting days in American history. I'm happy to be a part of this historical day in the USA. Not only do we have our first black president in office, but this is the beginning of the real cleanup process. The things Bush did totally screwed our country up and even had a massive negative impact on other countries, but I believe in Obama. I believe that he can and will take the right steps to start repairing our country. This is the beginning of a new world for us Americans.
In other news, my friend left early this afternoon. We had an okay time, but I can't shake the feeling that he only came over because he felt bad for me. His general attitude and personality just gave off that impression, but I guess I appreciate the sentiment. He was just trying to make me feel a little better and he did the job; he's a good friend. After he left, I came up with the idea that I might get rid of a massive portion of my video games. I rarely, if ever play most of the games that I own. I love most of them to death and it's hard to part with such a good collection, but they're only collecting dust, taking up space and declining in value. I'm deciding if I feel like going the eBay route again or if I just want to do it the quick way and drop the games off at GameStop for a quick fix of new games, but this idea is still up in the air. Every game I'd keep is something that I play on a semi-regular or regular basis with my friends; the fun stuff, such as Call of Duty 4 and Left 4 Dead. I wont get rid of the games I actually play. This is a very difficult choice, though and I'm still in limbo. I've chosen 18 out of my 32 games and of the remaining 14, only a handful of them get real attention. I'm debating if I should just throw in the towel and get rid of EVERY Game that I don't play, no matter how much attachment or history I have with them. I certainly could use the room and either cash or something like a new PSP or a newer model of the Nintendo DS Lite, so it's not a complete waste, but it's just such a hard thing to do for a hardcore gamer, ya' know?
On one final note before I take off for now, I'm doing a free service for a family member on Thursday morning. I hate waking up early, but it's family, so I'm making an exception. They've asked me to clean up and resort their collection of computer stuff. There's a large amount of unused cables and they have no idea which ones go where, so I have to step in for an hour or so and do the job for them. I don't tell them frequently, but I do love my family and things like this are my way of showing it when I get the chance. I'd never charge a family member for my services.
Take care. Steve out.


The end of the first 24 hours

Before I go to bed, I figured I'd go ahead and finalize my first 24 hours here on BlogSpot. After my last blog, I did a few things in FFXI, all of which were failed experiments aside from the easy level 20 Moblin Maze run. Aside from that, I basically did a lot of nothing. I thought about things, reflected on the past few months and started wondering if I'm being toyed with. If any of my supposed friends are indeed toying with me in any sense of the phrase, I don't think I'll handle that very well. The girl I like said she'd talk to me "in a little while" around 1pm, but never got back to me. I sent her a "good night" message around 9:30 and another playful message around 10:30 about how I ripped a good pair of my pants tonight, which really did happen. It sucked, actually! Anyway, she didn't respond to any of those messages and the mutual friend of ours, whom was supposed to bring her boyfriend and hang out with us all tonight didn't respond to me all day aside from to point out that she's "sick". However, other people who saw her know that she was lying to me. If that's the case, there's a possibility that those two were hanging out all day and just chose to avoid spending any time with me for whatever reason. There's also the possibility that the girl I like was spending time with her most recent ex-boyfriend, which would also be bad news. They wont get back together, but they get a little too close, if you get my drift. In the event that the girl I like was spending time with her ex-boyfriend, then the mutual friend was definitely bailing out on me to spend more time with her boyfriend. She's with that boy every waking second outside of school and work. It's quite irritating because she puts off her other friendships and priorities for him. She said the "new relationship phase" would only be for "up to a month", but it's been over 2 months now and it's only getting worse. It's a big jumble of stupid stuff that I really shouldn't even be worrying about, but these girls are self-proclaimed best friends of mine and no matter how happy I am, it's going to hurt if I find out that they're actually lying and treating me like that. I wont actually make such a conclusion until I find out what "really" happened, but the fact that it's a legitimate possibility is enough to make me think about it. I know these girls and maybe I shouldn't hang out with people like that, but this is just how they are. I've just never been the victim. In the past, I was always the one witnessing this stuff and trying to make them stop doing it to other people. But hey, whatever. I'm not going to judge them. They are who they are. I just don't want to be caught up in a jumble of stupid lies, especially if it causes me to lose my friends. I tend to overanalyze things frequently and this is most definitely one of those situations, but I can't help myself when it comes to people that I'm so close to. I hate being ditched and I hate being lied to even more, but it's ten times worse when it involves close friends or love interests. Anyway, the friend I have over is asleep and I'm about to head off to bed; for real this time. I just had to get this crap off my chest. No one's reading this right now, but writing here seems to help me clear my head and set things right. Sweet dreams.


Monday, January 19, 2009

The way the night turned out...

Well, I never did get a response from the girl I like. I wont fret over it because it could be any number of reasons, but in truth I suspect that she's with the other friend who bailed out on me, whom I suspect is completely and utterly faking sick. I don't really mind it, but I wish they'd just be honest about it, ya' know? That's the only part that causes potential pain. I wont let it bother me. Tonight is a sort of free pass. I wont fret over it. I'll wait it out and see what happens. No reason for me to worry over dumb shit, after all.
On that note, one of my best friends came through for me and is crashing here tonight. We loaded up on liquor and beer for a night filled with drunken stupidness. We played some Perfect Dark Zero, watched some Family Guy and who knows what else is going to happen from this point and on?
And in an unexpected turn of events, a cousin of mine who is an outcast of the family sent me a friend request on MySpace. I'm actually rather happy about it because I've always thought much higher of her than others have. I think she's a fun girl and I enjoy spending time with her, although it's been several years since the last time we've really spent time together. She's an entertaining, funny and silly girl when she wants to be.
After I eat my Domino's, I wont be on here for the rest of the night, but I guess the night turned out okay. I'm disappointed in my friends and the girl I like, but I wont let it bother me. Thanks for reading. Take care.


A bit disappointed..for now

I was supposed to spend time with several friends tonight. Along with those friends, there was a chance that the girl I like would show up, too. My friends have all bailed out, though and all of my failsafes and backup plans didn't work out. On top of that, it's far too cold for me to just go walk around. The snow didn't stick either, so I can't go do stupid things in the snow. People seem reluctant to speak with me tonight, so I guess this is going be a lonely indoor night.
Mom was also being extremely rude today. I was doing absolutely nothing to anyone. I was minding my own business, trying to send a few text messages out and eating a bowl of cereal and she started screaming at me and threw out some crazy deep rooted insults for absolutely no reason. It's ridiculous, but this is a regular occurance.
I wont let something as trivial as these things drag me down, but I surely wish that I could find someone cool to do something social with on this ever so cold monday night. For now, I'll just get lost in music, catch up on some Dexter and maybe end the night with some FFXI. Maybe I'll get a response from someone, though. Who knows? Take care guys. I might be back for a third round later tonight!



After a good night of sleep, I looked outside and noticed that our first snowfall of the 2008/2009 winter season has started. Watching the snowflakes journey from high up in the sky, then all the way down to the dirtiest places of the Earth made me really start thinking about life again. It may sound cheesy, but it's no different from our own lives. We always start high and innocent, but we ultimately cease to exist. Much like snowflakes, some of us leave our mark, while others disappear, only to be immediately forgotten. Sometimes we get pissed on and other times, even shit on. We get thrown through the air, hurt people, get hurt by other people and both bring people together and tear them apart. Everyone deals with these things, just like a snowflake. Really, snow is both happy and depressing if you think about it in this light. I merely find it fascinating. I'm off to clean myself up, grab something to eat and enjoy my day. Take care.


And so it begins

Hey guys. I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Steve and this is probably the most formal you'll ever see me, so try not to get too comfortable just yet.
Okay, let's cut the crap. No one really cares about a formal introduction. Surely you want to know something more interesting than my location, age or gender, right? Maybe something about my crazy sex life or something like that? Hah! Prepare to be disappointed because I'm typically a pretty boring guy when it really comes down to it!
You see, most of my days are spent alone in a small room of a row home in Baltimore, Maryland. Lately, I spend most of my time talking with people, browsing the internet and playing video games. I'm a journalist for an up and coming gaming website, but that currently creates very little income, so I'm looking for a job on the side. When I get the chance, I spend a whole lot of time with people that I consider close to me doing anything from playing games and getting drunk to simply taking a walk outside for an hour or more. My love life has been a roller coaster, just like most people out there and I just came out of a ridiculous internet relationship that honestly just made me realize how much I've like someone else since the day I met her. Despite all of the cookie cutter "been there, done that" life stuff, there's a whole lot that goes on in this crazy life of mine and I almost always have something to say. That, my friends, is why I'm here; to let loose both my inner demon and the sensitive side that I don't show off as often in person. I need to let it all hang out and get everything off my chest. Consider this the official beginning of my new life. Who knows where this will take me?
Before I go to bed, let me set the stage. I recently had a stroke, which I was lucky enough to survive unharmed. During the stroke, I had my first serious anxiety attack, which was added to my ever-growing list of diagnosed problems. Directly following that six hour trip to the emergency room, I caught Pneumonia. Not only that, but my ex-girlfriend from that last internet relationship didn't make it any easier. She kept trying to keep in touch and it made things really difficult. Most people would be devastated and in need of serious psychological help, but I actually really feel alive for the first time in my life. After the week I've been through, I feel as though my fears and worries have been lifted. Why fear spiders? Why freak out if a room is dark? Why worry about how ugly people think you are? Why worry about rejection? The list goes on for miles. Things that bothered me previously just don't matter anymore. I'm lucky to be alive and I genuinely appreciate my life and all that it encompasses. Because of this, I decided to reach out and try to grab what I want: the girl I haven't really been able to get out of my head since I met her. When we first met, things went down the wrong way and the shit hit the fan for really stupid reasons. We both messed up and it caused problems. I said some things I didn't mean, but ultimately she became my number one. In my mind, there is currently no one else I'd rather be with. I don't know if it'll go anywhere and I'll certainly be content with her eternal friendship, but I would be the happiest man alive if she and I became a lasting couple. I was far too terrified to try anything real with her prior to this, but I was also under the influence of a mutual friend. You see, this mutual friend would constantly encourage me to make the wrong moves at the wrong time. It confused me and stirred up my emotions way too much and there wasn't much I could do about it. Every time I thought everything was okay, she would tell me to make the moves again. I never actually did what she said to do, but those words would always make me question the situation. I never knew what was really going on, so I just wound up doing backflips in my head trying to figure it all out. Now I know the truth, though. The girl I like never disliked me. She never hated me. She never had anything against me. The timing was just bad and there were complications that couldn't be avoided. It's all in the past now, though and I'm trying my best to make her happy. She doesn't even realize what she does to me. When she's close, my heart beats rapidly. When she smiles, I smile. When I think about her, I get butterflies. It's so crazy, but she has such a massive impact on me that I can't even completely explain. She's terrific and we share many similar interests. I'm not the best conversationalist, but she always understands me and she's completely okay with who I am. She's the only thing on my mind right now.
In summary, my life was screwed up for a long time, I had some serious problems, followed by a seemingly endless stream of even more problems, then I realized that life is grand. Since then, I've been trying my hardest to make the girl I like as happy as I can. The only thing I want right now is to hold her in my arms.
In a nutshell, that's my current situation. I'm wonderfully happy, but there's always something going on. There's plenty more to talk about, but why rush? Just like everyone else, I have a story and I want to tell it, but not entirely in one night. For now, I'm off to catch a few winks of sleep. Good night, fellow bloggers and readers alike!