Saturday, January 31, 2009

On and off, up and down...

So, I was feeling fine yesterday. I went over my cousin's house, met her friends and was honestly kinda' bored the entire night. I was wishing that I'd of just stayed at home, played Devil May Cry 4 and went to bed on my own terms, in my own bed in my own room. I wound up getting a maximum of 2 hours of broken sleep and now my throat is fifty times worse than it was at the beginning of the sickness. I didn't do anything at all and while the 2 friends of my cousin's that I met were very chill people, we just didn't do anything. We didn't play any games and we only watched one movie. The rest of the time, my cousin was just made her friends clean her room with her. The movie we watched, "Home Room" was pretty cool, I guess. I cried a bit at the end, although I hid it from the others pretty well. They also made some stupid video of them enacting out "The Neden Game" by Insane Clown Possie, which was absolutely terrible. I had to hold the camera and I was just bored and tired. I did get to talk to the girl I like on and off for a while, so that was cool, but I experienced a rather major stint of jealousy. She told me about some other guy being all over her and I just felt it overcome me for a moment. I don't know why because I'm not even with her and I don't even think she'd want to be with me, given the circumstances on her end of things. We had a decent conversation, though, so that was a good hilight of the day. The only fun thing we did was a 30 minute game of Apples To Apples when everyone first got to their house. By the time her friends left, I was kicked out of the room and sent up to the family room, where I spent about an hour talking to my aunt and her friend, then I moved to the secondary family room with the huge television. A friend of mine called my cell when he got home and I talked to him for about an hour while I watched "The People Under The Stairs" on FearNet. I confessed something major to him, though. You see, my brother and I got into an argument right before I left last night. My sister yelled at me and started bitching because I was eating a second helping of pizza, which is normal for me, especially when I haven't eaten anything for an entire day. She got on my case and was insulting me, as if she was saying I ate all sorts of shit. I know what I ate and while I'm not proud of it, I starved myself yesterday in a sense, aside from the pziza. A lot was going on in my mind and I just didn't want to do anything, which included eating. Anyway, I yelled at her for being a bitch about something as stupid as food, when we always have 2 entire pizzas left every time we order pizza. After doing so, my brother failed to see my point and started ripping into me. He called me a loser, said that he's better than me and all sorts of other nasty shit. I shrugged it off, but when I thought about it later, it made me feel dead inside. Yet, at the same time, I could feel my rage building up inside. It's like my fist is burning with an eternal blue flame, branded with my brother's name. I want to break his nose, rip into him and let him know how he's always made me feel. This rage is building up more and more and I need to see a professional psychologist before anything bad happens. Not only is he my brother, but he has a child and to top that off, I'd rather not go to jail or ruin my reputation over something like that. I need help and I know it. I admit it and I want it. I need to take care of this. But on the same note, my brother needs help. He has serious anger management issues and a serious superiority complex. It's outrageous and it sickens me. And with that, I told Mom about what happened and she suggested a no-holds-barred family meeting, where everyone sits down, speaks their mind and doesn't yell. That would not happen. I promise you, dear reader, that it would turn into them all unleashing their rage on me, making me feel like shit and ultimately deeming me the source of their problems, when I have nothing to do with anything. I mind my own business and stick to my own life, yet somehow I'm the root of all evil in this house through their eyes. I told her straight up that I wont take part in such a meeting, but I admitted that I want to see a shrink. I didn't tell her the truth like I told my friend, but she said she'll look into it and she'd even pay for it if she had to. She thinks it's for another reason, but she can think that all she wants. Whatever it takes to get this aggression out of myself and get everything off my chest. I've realized that I truly hate myself, but I hate a few other people even more than myself. That has to change before I let loose. And on the subject of my throat, I think it's time to see a doctor; for real this time. I'm pretty sure that I need some serious antibiotics and a very potent prescription throat-numbing spray, then I'll be fine. This has a 99% chance of being strep throat, based on my own past experiences. That's all for now. I'm going to knock myself out. Take care.


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