Thursday, October 29, 2009


I've never asked for anything aside from video game related stuff for Christmas throughout my entire life.

I would miss my family and friends if I moved to California, but I realize that I need to make some sacrifices in order to be with her.

In the end, it will all be worth it just to be with her, but right now, everything seems very daunting and I'm truthfully terrified.

I hope she's willing to deal with my fears and hold my hand to see me through this whole process.

I really want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and let the sorrows of the world fade away.

"Married... With Children" is a hilarious show; even funnier now that I'm watching it as an understanding adult.

"MagnaCarta 2" is a totally awesome game, even if it does have cliche characters and a very basic story.

I love writing, even if no one in the world cares about what I say.

WWE listed a link to my review for "Smackdown vs. Raw 2010" as the #4 on the list.

La Roux is my latest musical addiction.

Mom has been grinding us about Christmas and I seriously have no idea what to ask for.

I feel terrible because I probably wont have enough money to buy any sort of gifts for Christmas this year.

The process of obtaining a GED seems to suck ass in the state of Maryland.

My oldest niece is truly mean to me, yet I've never done anything wrong to her.

My sister lets my oldest niece treat me like shit and even provokes her into doing so sometimes.

I love to laugh.

I think I'm going to go watch "Dragon" videos at some point today because he's hilarious.

Jim Gaffigan is funny as balls.

I'm actually starting to like "World of Warcraft", but only so long as I'm playing with her.

I've been working on a new Hunter in WoW in the hopes that I can play it with her eventually.

Aion was awesome at first, but a few things about the quest design really annoy me.

I'll play Aion again in a few months, but right now it just isn't a factor.

I might reactivate FFXI for a while and play it on the side if I can get my group together.

I wonder if she'll play FFXI with me, at least for a while?

I wish I had the money for a full set of music courses at the California College of Music.

Good night.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Number one...

I've come to the conclusion that, no matter how hard I try, I instinctively lie about many very small things, almost exclusively to my family, in order to cover my own ass. I don't lie about anything serious and while I have nothing to fear due to my open personality, I realize that there's no justification for any amount of lying. In my defense, I do this because of family drama. My family goes crazy over the stupidest things, no matter who did what thing or where it happened, so I naturally go with whatever answer puts me in the safer side of the situation. I even go as far as to seriously defend myself, even knowing I've just told a lie in the event that I actually did cause whatever is going on. Typically, it's the smallest things, such as eating something that I didn't know was someone else's. Who can blame me for that, though? We have 3 children and 6 adults iving in this house and we all share the same kitchen and pantry area. If something isn't labeled or bagged, it's generally considered free game, so I naturally assume something is for "the house", as we say here, if it does not meet that criterea. Sometimes, though, people don't follow the rules and I get yelled at, so I just try my best to avoid the drama and lie about it if it's my fault. The sad part is, it's almost always stupid little things like that. I don't really lie about anything serious or mindblowing. Still, it makes me feel like a terrible human being because I know that there's a part of me that naturally tells lies.

This whole thing is crazy. I see no reason to lie. I advocate honesty at every stop. I always tell people the truth when I speak to them, I rarely ever lie about my past and when I do, it's to get someone to back off; I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. The few lies I do stand by are harmless and generally only exist because I stretched the truth once and it got out of hand. I don't hurt anyone with these small lies, nor do I alter who I actually am as a person. I'm not one for distorting the image of who you are. I'd rather people know me and choose to love or hate me up front and on the spot. Life just seems better that way, considering there's a lot less drama than there would be otherwise.

Ultimately, I've concluded that I tell these stupid and damn near harmless lies in an attempt to look after myself. It may not be a matter of life or death, but it sure does save me a lot of headaches.

In other news, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm deathly afraid of very many things. I love life, but in turn, I fear death. I fear spiders. I fear any bug that looks crazy. I don't believe in ghosts, but I fear them if I'm alone when the lights are out. I fear being single forever. I fear falling for the wrong person. I fear heights. I fear
losing certain people.

There's a whole lot more, but that's a brief example of things I fear, details excluded. To be more specific about something recent, though, I fear that I may be developing feelings for someone that I've yet to even meet in person. These feelings are not very deep right now and hell, I could write it off as a crush, but if things play out a certain way, I wont be able to help myself. I know how I am. I hate long distance relationships, but if things seem to be going very well, I always put my heart and soul into it and try as hard as I can to make it work. I don't want to have another long distance relationship and I have to keep telling myself to back off before it goes down that road. Besides, even if there ever were a possibility for her to move out here or something, I doubt she'd find me appealing enough to do such a thing.

Anyway, none of that truly matters. I don't think that I'm stupid enough to fall for someone who lives more than a half an hour away anymore. That's not even counting the fact that I care about her as a friend and I'd hate to ruin that, but whatever. As of right now, I think it's time for me to at least attempt to get some sleep. Here's to hoping that the panic attacks don't strike for a third night in a row!

Steve out! Take care!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The way things are...

Hello there. It's been a while, huh? Life just spun itself back into place and as such, I had less of a reason to vent and blog. I've discovered that blogging, for me anyway, is a way of unleashing bent up emotions. Lately, I haven't really had much of a reason to vent because life just hasn't been too shabby!

First of all, my friends are fucking amazing. I've been spending far more time with the friends who have been there all along and getting more acquainted with those who I should have become closer to in the first place. Not only are these people the ones who care about me, they genuinely enjoy my company and try their best to include me whenever they can. That's the kind of friendship I cherish and the feelings are mutual, full circle! This alone is what caused me to keep my head up high and really let loose.

Next, without Chrissy, April, Jillian and the others from that circle of people, life has been much better than it once was. Until now, I hadn't really thought about them very much at all. I've completely realized that I'm better off without some people, which has kept me generally safe from drama and stupidity.

Finally, although it's still not done, the final process of going up and taking the GED tests is in the works, which means I can start working for real and making real money soon. The fact that it's within' my grasp is a big deal for me, given that I can finally get my life back on track.

With those major bits out of the way, I suppose I'll fill you in on some general stuff.

I started playing "Aion" around 9PM EST, after having purchased it an hour earlier. The beta was okay, but I'm enjoying the game a lot more now that it's completely open to the public. I have friends who play it now, too, so that helps. The combat is what hooks me most of all, given how deep it really is. It actually requires some degree of thought and skill to play the game well. That's quite an accomplishment for a modern MMORPG, you know!

Moving on, there are no direct or serious love interests in my life, but I've come to realize that I don't have a shot with the people that I have even a mild interest in right now. A few of the ladies I hang around are awesome and I'd be happy to go after something real with one of them, but I'm just being a realist. I'm better off not trying with those girls and I'm okay with that, given that we have healthy friendships. I have a clear head and I'm not upset by this at all.

Speaking of love interests, Kristy, the Australian ex-girlfriend of mine, popped back up recently. Or rather, I should say that she never completely went away. We have very basic, although fun and healthy conversations every so often, but I don't really think of her as more than a friend anymore. I'll admit that I would really try for something with her if we weren't across the globe from one another, as would she, but it's just not possible and we've both come to realize it, so we have a healthy friendship. We both intentionally distance ourselves here and there to prevent any misplaced feelings, but it all works out.

There's a lot more that I could talk about, but I really don't feel up to the task of writing as much as I could right now. Rest assured, though... most of the things on my mind are wonderful. I just need to get back on track with a few things and life is grand!

So, on that note, have a good day! Steve out! Take care!


Thursday, September 3, 2009


I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people. No matter how close you are to someone, you think you know them and it just all backfires.

I've been really trying to get with April. She's such an awesome girl, but she wants nothing to do with me. I've been flirting back and forth with her and I've been trying my best to juggle all sorts of friendship and make life work out, but guess what? It just isn't working! She just wants other guys and just considers me a basic friend, at best!

I'm a genuinely honest guy and I try my best to put as much effort into my friendships as possible, but I always get fucked over. In the long run, I lose all but my closest friends and walk away with nothing to show for my many journeys through life.

What is it with people? I can show my heart to it's fullest and really prove that I love any singled out family member or close friend, but they always act like I've never done a fucking thing for them. WHY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

I seriously wish that I had the strength to end my own life and walk away from this fucked up world. I feel like I would be doing the world a favor. No matter how hard I try, I just can't win...

I need someone; anyone. I just need to hold and be held. I need to love and to be loved. I need to know that I am appreciated. It just...isn't happening..


Saturday, August 29, 2009


What is hope without faith?

What is trust without honesty?

What is courage without bravery?

These days, people seem to think that you can have one without the other. In all of the above cases, as well as many others, it's simply not possible to expect one without the other. In order to receive trust, you must give honesty. In order to have hope, you must have faith. In order to be brave, you must have courage. So, what does this have to do with anything? Simply put: everything.

Lately, I've been feeling both more important and completely insigificant. It's a rather odd combination of feelings, given that one is not usually associate with the other to this extreme...

It all started with Chrissy...

One night, I convinced her to come out to Mac's. She drove me there instead of my other friend and we arrived almost an hour early, which worked out because they sold me my drinking cup early. We had a long and rather repetitious conversation about her and her on and off again ex-boyfriend, but when my other friends and general crowds of people started showing up, the party started heating up.

Eventually, Chrissy told me that she had convinced one of her friends that I had never met to join us. This friend of hers needed a ride, so Chrissy left for a few moments to pick her up. When they came back, I was introduced and immediately jumped into conversation mode, which led Chrissy to inform me that her friend thought one of my friends was cute.

Now, I don't know if there are any feelings associated with that or if it's just a pure shallow and up-front personality judgement, but she seems to like him. However, she also seems to like me. Therein lays the problem, considering my friend does not want to date a younger girl, but he's not even supposed to know that she likes him in the first place, which means I have to sit there in the middle and just sorta' deal wit it.

But anyway, sticking to the point, she says a lot of very flirty things and leads me and others to believe that she is extremely interested in me. Then, she'll turn around and say one or two things that almost seem to completely contradict the initial statements. It's extremely confusing and I have no idea how to handle this, but I do like her. She has a great personality, she's very fun to talk to, she's a wonderful person to be around and she has a lot in common with me. To top it off, she's a very pretty girl with beautiful "Sunflower eyes", as she calls them. They really do look like sunflowers, though! It's crazy!

So, I'm at the point now where I want to just do something romantic, pull out all stops and just get a straight answer from her. I figure, I have not developed serious feelings for her, but I'd still like to know what's possible. She has serious potential to be someone that I can be with and I'd at least like to know what she thinks of me.

Honestly, I feel like I really should move on, but that I should not have to settle. I'm not picky about appearances and I'm a very easy person to please, but it's so god damn hard to find a female who can be honest all of the time and remain loyal over a long-term period of time. Not only that, but I'd like to be with someone who shares a few similar interests. I don't want to be in another sex-based relationship. I also don't want to be a part of any relationship in which I have nothing to talk about. I get quiet sometimes, but it's important to be able to share laughs and at least discuss the day at hand. Too many people overlook such simple things or just don't find most things funny and it's rather depressing.

In summary, this new girl represents everything that I really look for in a woman, although I've only known her for just over 2 weeks and we've only actually spent time together once since our first introduction. We do talk a good bit on a daily basis, though. We both find it almost creepy that we have so much in common, but it's a good thing! It's what keeps us going! It's what makes me consider the possibilities! But anyway...

This blog post is all over the place, although it tells the same story, but I don't have much else to say. Or maybe I should say that I have too much to say, but I honestly don't feel like writing that much. There's a large amount of stuff going on in my life, but I may sit this round out and tell a new story when this arc of my life is over. Either way, wish me luck with this girl!

For now, I'm going to relax, converse and listen to some music while I wait on my Diphenhydramine to kick in so I can get some real sleep. Steve out! Take care!

-SEnter text here.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The one-sided end of a very long journey...

So, there's some rather big news in my house right now. I'd like to say a few things before I get into the details, though...

I know that people have problems and that everyone argues at some point. No person is perfect in the literal sense. When we find that special person, we all lose certain innate abilities in relation to that special person. We do things for them that may hurt us, even bringing ourselves to the breaking point just to make that special person feel loved. In the end, a perfect relationship should never involve such things because both people are happy with what they have. Both people are supposed to be happy with each other and the life that they share. If you have to try that hard in order to make another person happy, then it's simply not meant to be; it's not love at all.

So, that said, I'd like to open this story with a bit of background...

First, I'd like to talk a bit about my brother in-law. At first, I'll admit that he came off as the same sort of person that I would normally avoid. I did not like him when they first started dating. In fact, I thought he was just as bad as most of her ex-boyfriend. When she broke up with her boyfriend at the time in order to start dating my brother in-law, that was nothing new. She'd done that many times in the past. She's had many boyfriends throughout her life and every single one of them was a douchebag. That is, until Justin...

You see, over time, I got to know a bit about Justin, where he came from, what he'd been through and most importantly, how much he genuinely cared about my sister. Every man before Justin either left Amy or got dumped by Amy for all sorts of stupid reasons, but ultimately, she just never seemed to care. Justin actually dealt with all of her problems and tolerated her daily insults. For a very long time, he did everything in his power to make his life with my sister work. He gave her money, spoiled her with gifts and simply wanted time to relax, wind down and sleep every day. They have two children, aged 4 and 6 at the time of this writing and no, Justin has not had much time over the years to really be a daddy. He works very hard and far too often to be the best father that he can be. It's a terrible reality to face, but it's a necessary thing because they need the money very badly. After all, it's not easy to keep up with two kids and a greedy, immature wife.

Moving on, my sister expected far too much out of him. She didn't want to move out, regardless of the places Justin had found. He had an apartment lined up, but my sister did not want to move out because she's too snotty. She refused to have anything less than a house, which they simply can not afford, especially at this point. Instead, she chose to force her entire family to live in our very small basement, as if that's better than an apartment.

Now, I don't claim to know everything, but in my opinion, my sister is at fault for everything that went down. She had been hiding all sorts of credit card bills that she was letting build up. She lied to him about that stuff, let it get out of control, couldn't afford to pay them off and then acted like it was no big deal when she was caught. She cheated on my brother in-law and was going out with some guy from MySpace. Not only that, but she hid it and apparently lied about it, then turned around and acted like what she did was perfectly okay, as if it's a totally cool and acceptable thing to just cheat on her husband. Apparently being a worthless human being is the cool thing to do.

I mean, come on! Justin was never the best person in the world, but he was respectful, for the most part. He did things for his family, he took his son fishing, he gave Amy money when she needed it for the kids and even her own personal expenses. He never really lied to her. He never cheated on her. The only real thing that he did wrong was not be her slave. He took a stand and ultimately, broke free from her deathly hold on his life. He was unhappy. He was never allowed to go out. He was always bitched at if he saw a naked woman anywhere, even if it was a simple nip slip in a PG-13 movie. Amy always assumed the worst and made his life a literal living hell. The worst part is that her and my Mother both think that Justin did all sorts of things wrong. They both genuinely feel that he was equally at fault for the decline of their relationship. I say: FUCK that! Justin did far better than anyone else ever could or will do when it comes to my sister. He even tried to get relationship AND personal therapy for the both of them, but she refused to go. She simply didn't want to and thought that she didn't need it.

In short: My sister is full of herself and my Mother supports her in being that way, yet somehow they think that my brother in-law is at fault for everything. They're just blind and they need to feel like they're in the right, I guess. I don't really know what goes on inside of their fucked up heads, but this is a very sad day for our family. Justin is gone. He left Amy and they're getting a divorce. He finally threw in the towel, told her what's up and just walked away. He's going to try to be a part of the children's lives, but otherwise, this is it. Not only does it make things harder on my sister, who will soon learn what it's like to not have money for anything again, but Justin did a lot for us. He did a lot of cleaning, house work and even paid a few of the major bills. He had no problem at all contributing when he was asked to do so, even when he was "forced" to wake up after working for 16 hours and getting less than 4 hours of sleep. He'd complain sometimes, but at the end of the day, he was a simple man with simple wants that got locked into a relationship with a girl that no man can handle.

In conclusion, although he wont see this for a while, I'd like to say that Justin will be missed. It's grown now to the point that I feel like a real sibling is leaving the family. Our lives are all going to be a lot harder, especially the lives of his children and it's going to be a long time before I can accept another man into our lives as my sister's boyfriend or perhaps even her husband...

The storm only grows more harsh with each passing day and soon, my sister is going to learn what it's like to live a hard life...

There's a whole lot more that simply has not been said, but for now, I need to head out. Thank you for reading this. I don't know what happens next yet, but I'll be sure to post it when I find out. Take care. Steve out...


Saturday, July 25, 2009


Today's blog is going to be a short series of summaries. Here goes!

I went to Otakon. Friday sucked. Saturday rocked. I got back in touch with a few cool people from my DDR days.

I hung out with my "close" female cousin on wed., who came out to the bar with me. The entire time, she was on the phone back and forth with her girlfriend. I felt pushed aside. How rude!

I can't really go to Ocean City this year, so one of my primary major events of the summer is canceled. My ride is leaving on the date of my cousin's wedding, which I happen to be a part of. I'm happy, but also a bit distraught. I miss Ocean City! It's been a while!

I've been practicing harmony with my voice. It's actually coming along a bit better now, but it's actually a difficult skill to master, even for someone who's naturally good at singing!

I'm having money issues, but I should have my GED soon. The money for that is prepped and ready. Almost everything else, however, is on hold until I start my job at Comcast.

My computer is having a hard drive failure, so I'll need to buy a new drive sometime in the near future. Yet another expensive/nuisance.

I've been less into playing video games lately because I've had so much stuff on my mind; I'm stressed as hell. I could go for some cuddling with someone I trust right about now. Such a simple thing would help a lot, but hey, I can't expect that when I'm not dating. Hahah. Ah well!

I have more to say, but I just don't feel like writing more right now.

Steve out! Take care!


Thursday, July 9, 2009


There's not much else that can summarize everything in the world that quickly. "Balls" always does the trick.

So, what's the point? Well, I'll tell you what the fucking point is! People are ridiculous!

All I want is for people to be honest and respectful. I'm pretty god damn easy to get along with if you can follow those two golden rules, but apparently people don't know the meaning of either, which means that I'm pretty much stuck.

Don't get me wrong here! I do have a ton of friends, some of who are the best friends that I could have ever asked for! I'm just sick of having to cut people out of my life because they're not who they claim to be.

Now look, I'm not trying to be preachy here or claim that I'm completely innocent. I know that everyone does things that they dislike, myself included. It's hypocritical, but sometimes it's necessary. If anyone understands that, it's me.

So, the whole situation with that "crazy" friend of mine just set me over the edge when combined with the Kristy and Chrissy situations. That's a total of 3 people who I've essentially cut out of my life lately. Chrissy is too flaky and drops her friends the second her boyfriend pops up for any reason, even if it's a simple phone call. Kristy acts interested for a few days, then starts her same old bullshit routine over again. Throw in this recent situation with that crazy friend of mine and you have a recipe for disaster. This whole thing is driving me nuts and eating away at me because it's just so stupid!

I'll be fine and life will go on, but I just had to vent for a moment about the same ol' shit...

Moving on, I've been pretty bored the past few days and I think it's by choice. I just haven't felt the gaming vibe much, although I do hop onto Xbox Live for some Modern Warfare from time to time. I also broke out good ol' Final Fantasy X International for around an hour and a half. I may actually go through the entire game and consider it a break from reality for a week or so. It's as close to a vacation as I'll get right this minute...

BUT! Otakon is in just over a week! July 17-19 at the Baltimore Convention center here in Maryland, I'll be making my return. It's been 3 years since the last time I attended the convention. It's overwhelming to think that I'll actually be going back. So much has changed. Even the people who go to the convention are different to an extent these days. Most of my friends have given Otakon up, so I'll be left to myself and a handful of others who may go with me. For the most part, I'm flying solo, unless my little cousin actually decides to come along with me, but that's still up in the air. At any rate, this is the first of two major summer events.

Event number two is Ocean City on August 8. I'll be going for the entire week this year because I simply need the break. Even if I just sit inside of the trailer or on the beach all day, I'll be happy to get away from everything. No internet, no video games, no bullshit. Just me, the beautiful east coast USA summer weather and the endless ocean. Of course, tons of family and perhaps some friends will be going, but I can completely avoid them if I so choose and turn my stay with them into my own personal vacation until it's time for us to leave. No matter how it works out, I'm extremely hyped for this trip this year. I just need to enjoy my summer and I need to get away, even if it's only 3 hours away.

Once I start making money from my potential new awesome job, I'll definitely turn the rest of this year into the best one of my life. It's time for me to take the stage, move on with life and get my shit together. If all goes well, I'll be out on my own in just over a year. Until then, it's work, walk the track, journalism and then fun on the weekends. That said, I'm done rambling for now. Maybe I'll actually be able to feel invigorated today after some sleep; enough to walk the track for an hour or so. I need to break myself into a routine, but it's difficult to do without a partner.

Before I take off, I'd like to touch base with myself for a moment about something: AVATAR; the MUD I've become very involved with over the years. I've really been thinking about it lately and I really don't understand it. Very few people even know what it is, much less actually care about it's existence. Those who play it do so obsessively, but some of them take it too far, getting way too involved with the people in reality to the point that it rules their lives. That part is one thing that I simply don't understand. In comparison to other people out there, those people really aren't that great. Only an extremely small selection of them have made their way into my life as people that I pride myself for knowing. Bellorum and RagingBoar are the 2 honorable mentions that I'd like to point out here, but truthfully, I think people who branch out from AVATAR need to really expand their search to that of other areas. Maybe local RPG meets, video game tournaments, bars, clubs, tournaments, Darkon; whatever, ya' know? There are tons of other places to meet real people from the real world and I think that's a necessary social experience, but so many people are being deprived of that experience. Either way, I'm actually rather tired of the people who run the game. They try to force players into promoting the game and they get pissy if you talk the game down. They try to ruin the fun for others constantly by adding all sorts of rules and restrictions just because people find a way to do things in a different way. Innovation should be encouraged, not punished. I haven't really played the game for a few months now and it's been many years since I've actually enjoyed the game, but it's just falling apart. It's a lost cause and within' the next few years, it'll die. What happens to those people then? Not only do they lose hundreds or even thousands of hours that they can't ever get back, but they also lose everything they had to show for those hours, which isn't even any sort of merit in the real world anyway. Even more stitll, when AVATAR dies, they have no common grounds of interest. A handful of them may remain friends, but the rest will stop talking to one another and wont see one another again due to lack of association. It's a sad thing, really. The owner runs his own convention and doesn't even put his full head into the game because he's too stubborn to take a good idea when he hears it. His convention could be making him rich, but he chooses not to let that happen and instead, it dies off more and more every year. I was once a part of that group, right down to the center of the core group, but each and every year, I grow farther and farther away from these people and almost loathe them to a certain extent, yet I still care too much about their wellbeing. Oh well. I just hope they wake up before it's too late...

For now, Steve out! Take care!


Monday, July 6, 2009


The only word I can think of to describe the past week is "Crazy"...

First of all, I went out to Mac's on Wed. for the usual $10 all you can drink party night. I recently re-acquainted myself with a childhood friend who I had not seen for over a decade. She's always been cool with me and as such, I decided to invite her out. She accepted and although she showed up very late, we had a great time just reminiscing and enjoying the drinks. She's grown up and out of her siblings, she's the only one who turned out to be a decent human being. Because of her, that was easily the best night at Mac's that I've ever had.

While we were at Mac's, Crazy Kim came up to me and kept trying to get my attention. I was busy every time and honestly, I'm not very interested in more than an extremely casual friendship with her, but she seems like the type of girl who's looking for an easy lay and that person most certainly is not me. Not only am I against one night stands in general, but she's a slutty alcoholic mother of 2 children, whom she does not seem to care enough about to take care of. Either way you slice it, I truly felt a bit empowered by the situation. She was jealous because she was not getting my attention, while other people were getting plenty of it. Ah, it was great.

Next up, we need to step back in time just a little bit. The wed. before last, I ran into a few good frineds of mine at Mac's. While we were all talking and hanging out, I finally had the chance to get my cell phone number to one of the girls I'd been wanting to get close to. Before I go any farther, here's a brief warning: She's married and she's not my type, so don't get the wrong idea. I just always thought she was cool and prior to that night, I hadn't been able to talk to or see her very many times at all.

So, throughout the rest of that week, the following weekend and this past week, we were talking quite a bit. She seemed rather excited to have me available to converse with at all times and we even walked the track for over an hour to get more acquainted, where I also ran into 3 other friends of mine, who also joined us for the trip around the track. Likewise, at first, everything was cool, but it quickly got old. She started spamming me MySpace IM and if I didn't respond, she would try calling me several times, texting me and even blocking her number in an attempt to trick me. Most of those times, I was simply busy or sleeping, but even when I was actually at my computer and having a conversation, she would spam the hell out of me and question me if I did not respond to her within' 10-15 seconds. This is not an exaggeration. So, I started intentionally avoiding her, which wasn't very hard, considering I have plenty of other good friends and tons of other stuff to do these days. That caught up to me, though. I invited her to a family cookout before things started getting creepy, so she showed up. Her and her husband sat in the corner of the yard until I finally made them come over to join me and the others for some conversation. She didn't say much, but her husband took the floor for some gaming conversation and eventually, they left. They showed up late, so they weren't there for very long anyway and things were a bit on the awkward side.

So, after all of that crap, I finally got sick of it and told her the truth. I did not sugar coat it and I came completely clean about everything on my mind. She was not very happy about that and took everything the wrong way, despite it all being in plain English. I had to reiterate my points several times until finally, I snapped and just told her that I was willing to continue our friendship and just forget about these problems if she was willing to follow the one simple rule that I had set for her: Stop spamming the shit out of me. Calling me a few times or sending a few text messages is okay, but the way she was going about it was all wrong and I explained that to her, but ultimately, she didn't see things my way and basically told me that we can't really talk anymore. She doesn't want to associate herself with me unless she "runs into" me or something if we're out somewhere and she's at the same location. After she told me that, I basically summed it up to this: She doesn't want to be mature, work out problems and hold onto the friendship that she claimed she so dearly cared about. In her eyes, she has to be right and she can't deal with the fact that I called her out on this stuff. Oh well. I don't tolerate that shit and if she doesn't come around within' the next week, I'll give her a final curteosy call and see if we can't work it out, but that's it. If she doesn't accept it then, I'm not beating around the bush.

With that out of the way, I only have a few things left to talk about, all of which involve this past weekend and potential plans for the future.

On Friday, I hung out with one of my best friends here at home. GameFly sent me both "Need For Speed: Undercover" and "Tomb Raider Underworld". I added those to my game queue because the afforementioned friend is obsessed with both series and hadn't played either of them, so it was a double whammy favor kinda' thing. Plus I wanted to try them, so it worked out.

Anyway, that was a fun night with lots of laughs and a bit of gaming, but very little sleep. I had maybe 2 full broken hours of sleep before it was time to get ready and around 45 minutes after that before we left the house. On the way to the party, we picked up one of my other best friends, who I haven't seen for a very long time. That was a very big moment because I hadn't ever hung out with him at any point in time when we were not around other mutual friends. He came as my guest, as my friend and wanted to spend time with me; no one else. I was extremely happy about that because it proves that we're bonding as much as I'd hoped we would. He's always been an awesome guy, but he lives a little far away, so it's difficult to see one another very often. Thank goodness for Xbox Live! That's honestly what gave us a chance to really get to know one another and get close.

At the party, I basically ignored one of the people that I convinced to attend, but it wasn't intentional. I was sidetracked and kept getting pulled into every situation and conversation there was to be had. I couldn't help it and as bad as I felt, she's not a very close friend, anyway. She's just a cool person that I wanted to get to know better before she moves away for a few years. Not much else happened, although my sister did destroy my "Apples To Apples" box, a group of people stole the table I was going to use to play the game and I had a few lengthy video game conversations. Oh, and I drank a bit, but not enough to get trashed; just a bit of a buzz, which I kept rollin' all day.

So, the guy I brought to the cookout called his best friend and had him come pick us up. From there, we went to the liquor store, where I was treated to a 40oz bottle of King Cobra, which I personally find to be fucking delicious, regardless of what anyone else says. It's the same thing as Bud Ice! After we were done there, we headed to our destination: the home of the guy who came to pick us up. I'd never been there, but he's leaving for Florida in 2 weeks, so I figured I'd drop by there and hang out at their cookout, meet his mom and all of that other good stuff. We downed our King Cobras within' a very short time and many laughs were had throughout the night. My childhood friend even dropped by for around 2 hours, which was an awesome surprise.

Eventually, everyone aside from my buddy and my childhood friend were in the house, so we finished our conversation, cleaned up and saw my childhood friend off to her car. She only had 2 very weak drinks over the course of her 2 hour stay and was not drunk at all, so we let her go without much restraint. After we went upstairs to our friend's room, that's when things went downhill. A really bad movie was playing, my buddy fell asleep very quickly and I was bored as hell.

What happened next was a bit fucked up. My buddy's friend and the girl he hangs out with started having sex right next to where we were trying to sleep. They tried to cover it up, but it was extremely obvious. Not only did the room suddenly start to smell like dirty sex, but the sounds of sex were flooding my ears and I coud see them fucking one another not more than 3 feet from where I was trying to sleep. So, I sent one of my other best friends a text message; the guy who I rented "Need For Speed: Undercover" and "Tomb Raider Underworld" for. Luckily for me, he's an awesome guy. He didn't hesitate. When I told him what happened, he rushed out here with the neighbor's SUV and picked me up within' minutes. I woke my buddy up before I left and he followed me out after I explained the situation, so he could lock the door behind me. I left while the 2 fuckbuddies were in the shower and I didn't make a single sound, so it all worked out. And for the record, I left because I find that extremely disrespectful and very tasteless. You can talk about it or do it in another room all you want. I don't care how much noise you make or if the walls are paper thing and you're in a room directly next to where I'm sleeping, but don't fucking do it where I can see, smell and hear the sex itself.

The entire weekend rocked, but the following day, which I guess I'm technically still awake from, was extremely boring. I woke up around 2PM from a very odd series of nightmares, sent a message to someone, then contacted one of my friends to come over for some burgers. I cooked up 4 black angus 3/4 pound burgers, 2 of which I ate. The other 2 were given to the friend who came over. He played some more "Need For Speed: Undercover", but left shortly after, took a shower, changed his clothes and then came back around 6 hours later. When he came back, we talked a lot, he played the game for a while, then he left. When he left, he was supposed to head out to Dunkin Donuts and then come right back, but I suppose he was just too tired and fell asleep. That happens a lot in his case, though. He gets tired easily and when he's tired, he has trouble functioning even more so than most other people.

And there you have it. Aside from a few tidbits like my brief conversations with Kristy, the fact that I have not seen or heard from Chrissy and a bunch of games that I've recently obtained, there's not much else to talk about. At least, nothing that I care to get into right now. So for now, I'm going to attempt to get a bit of sleep. Steve out! Take care!


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

One giant leap for..well, me.

I'm going to get my GED sometime very soon; it's in talks and I'm going to go take the test, ace it and bring it home.

I'm going to start a new job making $15-20/hour full-time with amazing perks after I get my GED; it's a guaranteed position once I get my GED.

I'm going to talk to doctors and see if I can get approval to get my license. If that doesn't work out, I'll be annoyed, but I wont let that stop me from moving on.

I'm working out full-time. I walk for an hour or longer with a friend of mine around 7PM every day.

I'm starting to cut back on food a bit and I drink far more water again by comparison.

I'm going to start lifting weights on the side, but not too much until I slim down more.

I'm going for a complete hairstyle and clothing change sometime very soon to make myself more appealing and also more "professional" as a bonus.

Chrissy is no longer a part of my life. We had a very short-lived reuinion, which she totally fucked up by doing the same shit all over again within' the first 12 hours of spending time together. That's it, for good.

Kristy and I have been talking again, but I really need to control myself. I don't want to fall for her all over again because of the whole distance thing, among other reasons. We're good friends, though and that's fine fo rnow.

My sleeping schedule is totally fucked right now. I go to bed between 7-9AM and sometimes as late as 10AM. I need to fix that sometime very soon.

My vacation to Ocean City is coming up in August. That's going to be a hell of a badass getaway this year. I need it.

Otakon is coming up in 2 weeks as of this coming Friday. I'm attending that for the first time in 3 years and I'm very excited about it! Yet another awesome event for my hot summer calander!

The big family 4th of July cookout is this Saturday. I invited a ton of friends, most of which who are actually going to show up. I finally found my true friends; ones who don't bail out on me or make excuses for things.

I'm motivated enough to truly clean and rearrange my room, but I'll need help for some stuff. 2 of my friends agreed to help, but I'll need to plan it in advance to get it taken care of properly.

I did some number crunching and if all goes well with my new job, I could seriously move out and live happily within' the next 12 months. Note: That would be TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME, so long as there's a bus stop near by so I can get to work!

I don't play any MMORPGs right now and I canceled NetFlix. I'm cutting costs until I get my new job to save money for the bus trips and lunch breaks when I need it. I'll have enough money to go to Mac's every Wed., but that's it.

I got back in touch with a childhood friend of my sister, who was a pretty cool chick back then and apparently still rocks. It's been about a decade or perhaps longer since I've REALLY spent any time with her. We're going to hang out soon. I'm excited about that!

I'm not taking love or anything of the sort very seriously right now. I'm looking out for myself and focusing on getting my life straightened out. My head is in the right place for the first time in my life, I think. I kinda' feel in tune with the world, if that makes any sense!

I've been making plans to spend a lot of time with many different familiar faces over the summer. I know who I can really count on and those people have my utmost attention!

I feel genuinely happy for the first time in many years.

When I get a chance, I'll write more in-depth about whatever pops into my head, but for now, I need to get some sleep. Thanks for reading! Take care! Steve out!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Far, far too much liquor...

Well, Crazy Kim showed up last night. We barely talked because I truthfully, I didn't want much to do with her. She creeps me out and gives off the impression that she's a slut. I'm not into that whole thing; no hoodrats for me.

On that note, last night at Mac's was rather exceptional in some ways, but less appealing in others. We sat in a good spot, but our main spot up front was claimed by some random people nobody knew before we arrived. That was a little disappointing, as was the lack of other people who showed up. Many of the regulars were not there. A friend of mine, however, did show up, as well as one of his friends and eventually, my brother made an appearance. He was having girl troubles with his ex and wanted to come out for a drink. We stayed until 2AM, when our friend gave us a ride home, since my brother in-law bailed out due to falling asleep randomly while watching TV and not answering his phone.

So anyway, I spent most of the night keeping to myself, but I made a bit of conversation with my brother and our friend, plus a little bit with my other friend, who's there every wed. During my time there, I drank a total of 10 12oz cups of rum and coke. Now, these aren't your child's play drinks! Oh no! These girls know how to treat their customers! They would put 3-4oz of ice in each cup, then a splash of coke. The rest of the cup was filled to the fucking rim with rum. That' seffectively 6-7 shots of rum per cup. This means that I drank around 70 shots of rum, if you really break it down, over the time span of 3 and 1/2 hours. I was extremely drunk, but still no more than I usually am aside from personal physical feelings. I wasn't stuttering or stumbling and I could talk and think just fine. This is a true testament to my personal drinking abilities, but after that, I don't think I'll be drinking as much for a while. Last night was just a particularly glum night, I guess. Before my trip to the bar, I had a lot of stuff on my mind. One of my best friends did have his girlfriend buy us some delicious pizzones from Pizza Hut before we went to Mac's, so that helped out as well, but nothing helps as much as the drinks themselves!

We arrived back here at home a bit after 2AM. I sent a bunch of random text messages to people. I upset one of my best friends and probably creeped out the girl I like, although I have NO IDEA what I said. Drunk texting sucks! I should not be allowed to have a cell phone when I'm that drunk! I can think, but I sure as fuck speak before I think when I get that way. I felt pretty bad about all of that and I think it's time to do some damage control.

After all of that, I went to bed around 3AM after taking 2 Tylenol Extra Strength pills, which is very early for me. I slept like a baby and woke up around 10:30AM. I still felt drunk. I did not puke at all, but I felt like hell for a long while. Only now am I starting to feel better. Talk about rough around the edges!

Today, my close female cousin is trying to make me hang out with her. She knows how I feel right now and she's still trying to make me drink more or at the very least, go spend time with her. She doesn't seem to understand. It's either that or she's extremely selfish. I'm gonna go with selfish. No one else will hang out with her, so she's begging me to cave in and go over there, where I'll be bored and annoyed while my allergies act up and make this hangover even worse. In other words: I'm avoiding her calls and messages. I'll play it off like I fell asleep later. I don't like doing this, but it's that or listen to her whine all fucking day. I'd love to spend time with her, but just not right now; not with anyone. I'd also prefer spending time with her somewhere other than where she lives. I hate having allergies go off like that and there's never anything to do over there.

One of my best friends made a huge beer mess in my room the other day and failed to tell me about it, which means that it's been building up all of this time. The stench was hard to stomach, so I found out what it was, found out how to get rid of it and dealt with the problem. Hopefully that works. If not, I'll try some of the pet odor powder, which you vacuum up after it sits for a while. If THAT doesn't work, I'll buy some pet odor/fungus cleaner. If all else fails, it looks like I have an excuse to get rid of this nasty carpet and clean my room completely. We'll see what happens, but that took up a good hour of my day.

GameFly sent me "Afro Samurai" and "Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard". I've only tried one of them, which was "Afro Samurai" and only for around 45 minutes. The show is stupid and so is the game, but it's extremely fun. It's that stupid, juvenile kind of fun that only button mashing games like this really get right. I enjoy the game and I'll probably play it to completion, provided it's not too long. I don't know how much mindlessness I can stomach.

As of right now, that about covers everything that's happened so far today. I might head out to GameStop and get rid of a bunch of games to get a 120GB hard drive for my Xbox 360, as well as an S-Video cable for my PlayStation 2. I'm still debating, butt it's a definite possibility because I'm tired of not having either of those things. 20GB just doesn't cut it when you have as much DLC and as many XBLA games as I do. I don't even have room for everything that I actually own right now.

For now, that's all I have to say. Take care! Steve out!


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Prototype, Kristy, Chrissy and other misc. ramblings...

The first news of the day: I finished the main story of "Prototype" for the Xbox 360. The ending was very anticlimactic and kinda' dull, but it definitely sets it up for a sequel starring Alex Mercer, which is all that I could ask for. The last fight took me a good 3 tries due to a rather annoying and ill-placed time limit, but once I figured out a strategy that worked, I made quick work of the boss without any real trouble. Upon game completion and when the credits end, New Game+ and Hard mode are both unlocked and the city goes back to it's original state in Free Mode, with very few people infected. The developers most certainly know what gamers want out of a game, that's for sure, even if the ending was kinda' bad!

Next up: Chrissy. She literally moved to PA temporarily, after hanging out with several people and essentially ditching me once. That's 2 strikes in the time period of 1 week since we've been talking again. It'd be cool if she came back from PA soon so we can resume our friendship and see where it goes, but I suppose I'm honestly not all too worried about it. This is just a general update for the curious. For now, she's essentially gone. All she does is mopes and cries about her ex-boyfriend, anyway. She has nothing else to talk about and doesn't want to hear anything else I have to say.

Third and finally, for the time being: Kristy. We've been talking again, but it's nothing serious. She said she missed me and just continues to talk to me on a semi-daily and active basis. The conversations are very positive, but I'll have to keep my current/recent stance with her and keep reassuring her that I'm not interested in anything more than friendship. So long as I keep reminding her of that, things should be okay. If they get out of hand, she'll go right back to being out of my life.

Now that "Prototype" is done and over with, I don't feel as tied down. I felt compelled to play and finish that game before I went into anything else hardcore, for some odd reason. It's a fantastic game, but I don't feel like 100%ing it or anything. That's good news, though, as far as I'm concerned because now I can play anything I want without feeling tied down for the time being!

Wed. is the weekly $10 all you can drink night at Mac's here in Essex. I'm supposed to be hanging out there yet again and hopefully with a few somewhat new, yet familiar faces. I'm looking forward to that, as usual. It's a simple pleasure that keeps me looking forward to each new week. I wonder if that crazy Kim chick will be there again? We'll see, I guess! If she's there, it's going to be a long and crazy night.

I've been spending an awful lot of time with my best friend lately. We at least talk every day, but we hang out almost every night. We game, talk and just chill. It's really nice to have a friend like that; the feeling is mutual.

Anyway, I'm not feeling bottled up enough to unleash anymore stuff right now, so I'll drop some more stuff in this crazy blog another day. Take care! Steve out!


Saturday, June 20, 2009

One by one...

It seems as though nearly everyone is having some sort of serious problem(s) right now. For me, it's a financial thing, health problems and difficulty finding a job, but that seems to be quickly changing.

First of all, Kristy contacted me recently. She told me that she misses me and we had a brief conversation. It looks like that streak has been broken. I don't really want to associate myself with her long-term, but apparently she literally thought I could have been dead because of how sudden my "disappearance" was. After I explained to her what happened, she seemed very happy and rather ecstatic, so I guess it's believable that she could have thought something bad happened to me for whatever reason. Either way, our conversation lasted only a handful of minutes, after which I went to bed for a few hours.

Next, I traded "Sacred 2: Fallen Angel" for Xbox 360 away. What I received in return was one hell of a deal! I had been wanting a nice PlayStation 2 again, along with a set of Swap Magic discs. Not only did I receive both of those things, but it's a mint condition slim console with 3 PS2 memory cards, 2 PS1 memory cards, 2 Sony brand controllers, all cables, a pre-modified sensor (so I don't have to do any of that myself this time!) and 156 games. I'm quite happy with my trade! I don't know how this one came about, but the guy I traded with apparently didn't care much for this stuff anymore because he's too hardcore into the current generation of gaming. He practically threw it all at me. I almost felt bad, but hey, one man's junk is another man's oh-so-sweet treasure! I missed having my own Swap Magic setup!

Aside from those things, there's another huge change, but in between all of that, I've just been hanging out with friends, playing a little bit of "Final Fantasy XI" and trying to keep myself active and social. I've been in a much better mood overall and I've made quite a few new friends. Relationships with a bunch of other people have also become much better, which means it's almost a chore sometimes to keep in touch with everyone here in Maryland! But hey, I suppose I'm not in too bad of a social situation if that's my only complaint with it, right?

Now, let's get on with the biggest recent occurance. Chrissy and I are now talking again. This wasn't going to happen. I ignored her first attempt, which was a simple text message that said, "Steve?" After that, I ignored a phone call. Next, I received a voice mail later on that same day, but I didn't listen to it for a few days. In that voice mail, she apologized to me and asked me to call her. The word "Please" was also used. Now, she did sound somewhat fake, but that could just be my imagination or paranoia. Still, I was going to ignore it and let life go on without her because I don't want to be hurt again. History only repeats itself. Eventually, I caved in and started off with a very brief and somewhat dickish text message that said something like, "I'm going to make this quick. What do you want?" She explained that she just wanted to talk and told me that she misses me. I was a bit reluctant at first and explained myself 50 times over, both via text messages and over AIM. Eventually, we seemed to reach a mutual agreement and after that, she gradually talked to me more and more again over the course of the 2 days we've been talking. So yesterday, my best male friend came over to hang out, as he usually does these days and while he was here, Chrissy called me in the afternoon and talked for a few minutes. Around 5 minutes later, she called back and asked if she could come over. I could have said no and walked away. That was my chance to finalize it or give her a real chance at being a real friend again. Because I'm not a total dick, I decided to let her come over. While she was here, I offered her some pizza and we just talked for a long time. Eventually, I went with her to the T-Mobile store so that she could buy one of the brand new model Sidekick LX cell phones. We didn't end up walking out of there with the phone. Before I knew it, she was being crazy and texting her boyfriend with phones from the T-Mobile store and trying to catch him ignoring her. She caught him and it set her off, which caused her to text him that they're over. She broke up with him right there, then walked out and started crying. So, for the next 3 hours, she sat in my living room crying her eyes out, then on my porch for another 30 minutes, then at White Marsh Mall and Buffalo Wild Wings for 30 minutes. See, I tried to cheer her up, but I suck at that sorta' thing in serious situations like that and on top of that, I couldn't get physical with her and hold her or anything like that, like most friends would. I just didn't trust her like that anymore; still don't. But we talked it out and I was trying so hard to stick to my guns and at least make her stop crying, which worked for about an hour. After calling my uncle and heading out to Buffalo Wild Wings, it started up like crazy again. She took her car and followed us there and I knew exactly why, but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. When we requested our table, we got called in very shortly afterwards and I sat outside with Chrissy for a few moments to calm her down. That didn't work out, so we walked inside after my Uncle called me 3 times bitching me out for taking so long. He wasn't trying to be a dick, but Chrissy was ruining the evening and shit, it was her own fault! I didn't want to tell her that, but seriously, she broke up with him and was going in circles. We ordered our food and I basically downed an entire Mellow Yellow within' 2 minutes because I was so thirsty, but shortly after that, Chrissy walked out and said she had to call her dad back. I asked her, "Are you leaving?" and she said no. So I reiterated the point to give her a chance to be honest about it, but she said she was coming back. As soon as she walked out, my Uncle said, "How mch you wanna bet that she doesn't come back?" and I just nodded in agreement; I know Chrissy too well. Sure enough, she lied. She went to her car, texted me that she was leaving 10 minutes later and then went to sleep. I texted her a few times with no response, but later she said she was trying to lay down. I don't know how much I believe that. I think she was just crying and texting her (ex?-)boyfriend like crazy. She fucked up and so did her boyfriend. They're both in the wrong and they should both take a break and eventually find new people to date. They're young as balls and not prepared for a serious relationship.

So, no matter how you slice it, I think I may have made a mistake. I really want Chrissy to be a better person and I truly do wish that we could remain friends and get as close as we used to be. Apparently she trusts me still, but seriously, what the fuck? I don't know what else to say about that! I was happy without drama and she's already brought that back into my life. We've hung out ONE FUCKING TIME and she's already starting to stress me out again! I refuse to let this continue. In the future, I wont go so easy on her. I don't want to be a bad person, but I sure as fuck want to remain happy and if she thinks that she's going to use me for attention because she's having trouble in other areas of her life, she's going to be sorely disappointed. At this point, I'm wholly prepared to just walk away. I'm not attached to her right now like I used to be. So, I guess we'll see what happens in the coming days.

In the mean time, I'm going to go sleep. When I wake up, I might play some "Prototype" or "Dirge of Cerberus", depending on my mood and then go out to "Fattie's Bar & Grill" with my brother and his crew for a few hours. I could use a drink or 20 right about now. Until next time, Steve out. Take care!


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Ups and downs...

As I sit in front of my computer, it is currently after 5AM EST. I've been going to sleep later and later yet again, which means I'll eventually end up missing out on the good part of the day. I need to fix that as soon as possible. I like being a night person, but this is a bit outrageous. I would go to bed, but a lot has been going on lately and I think I need to clean out my closet.

I've accepted being single and I rather enjoy having my alone time again. I still love hanging out with friends, but I haven't had much of a chance to do so lately. Part of that is my own fault, but other people are just as guilty as I am. In general, no one seems to make plans or they outright ignore me most of the time. I see a handful of people every so often and an even smaller amount of people on a daily or semi-daily basis. Regardless, life isn't about finding that one true love or being attached to someone else's hip. I just had to relax for a while and bring myself back down to that mindset in order to function as I normally would.

These days, most of my time is spent in front of my computer doing absolutely nothing. I'll converse with people from time to time, but a typical day involves far less conversation and, aside from stuff that I'm reviewing, a lot less gaming. I'll play some sort of game just about every day, but most of it surely isn't for my own personal enjoyment these days. I think that's simply because I feel the need to get out more and just be social again. Once I can break into that again for a while, I think I'll be okay. There's one exception, of course. "Prototype" is now on store shelves and if I'm not sent that game for review purposes, I'll surely trade some games in and pick it up. I'll definitely spend a lot of time playing that game, although it's not likely to be as obsessive as my time with "Resident Evil 5" was.

My Uncle and I went through a phase in which we hung out and talked constantly, but we hang out less and less lately. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it kinda' sucks. Our time together is special in a brotherly sorta' way and sometimes I truthfully feel like I'm not cool enough for him. Cheesy as that may be, it's just how I feel.

My "close" female cousin and I don't talk nearly as much. She's a much more enjoyable person to be around now that she's had the baby, but it's still not my kinda' thing when it's just her and I. We sit around and watch movies until her and the baby fall asleep, which just feels boring. She's a mommy now and I totally understand what that's like, given that I've seen it so many times throughout my life already, but it just feels like we don't have anything in common anymore. She doesn't like to use her computer much, she doesn't get out much and she doesn't like playing games much. She pretty much spends most of her time doing absolutely nothing. Even when her family is watching her child, she still doesn't do very much. I don't get it, but whatever. The last time I was over there, I came home early out of sheer boredom. I didn't tell her that and I played it off to be my allergies because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't know what to do about her. She was being weird before the baby was born, but now she just doesn't seem very interested in doing anything.

My best non-family friend is in a relationship that he seems to be blindly devoted to. He cares for the girl he's with, but she's extremely immature and doesn't appreciate the relationship at all. She takes advantage of him and uses his money like it's not even a factor. She treats him like shit and makes him feel bad constantly. Now, I'm not trying to say that my friend is completely in the right here. He overreacts and takes some things far too seriously, but neither of them should be in a relationship at all right now. They're both pretty damn unstable and my buddy even admits to having co-dependency issues, although not in that direct context. He's always telling me how he "has" to be dating someone or he's not happy. I don't know how I can help, but my kind words and bond of friendship seems to help at least a little bit. I hope so, at least. In due time, he'll grow up and open his eyes. After all, everyone does at some point.

My grandparents bought one of my cousins an 80GB PS3 for obtaining his AA. They also gave another one of my cousins $500 for graduating from high school. Do you know what my younger brother received from them for his graduation? $100. It may have been $200, but it was substantially less of a reward. They always claim that we're all equal in their eyes and they try to make everyone believe that they don't play favorites, yet they give far more to the others in the family when they have far less to give. My brother deserved just as much as they do and they had more to give during that period of time. I guess we just never caught their attention. I don't know, but our household has always seemed like the group of family outcasts. I personally seem to be considered the family failure. Lovely, huh? It's certainly not a wonderful feeling, especially when they put down my dreams and discourage me very bluntly at every stop. Every time I see any member of my family, they find a way to make me feel like shit.

I've basically given up on the girl I currently like, but I'm not ready to completely let that go just yet. I know that I lack money. I'm also not much of a looker. Still, she doesn't seem to think badly about me, she's an awesome person and she said we'd hang out more if she had her full license. Right now, she only has her permit. It'll be a little while before she has her full license. Perhaps when she has her license, things will be better between us. We're not in a bad state and we enjoy our conversations, so we have that going for us, at least. I still don't think she actually likes me, though. We'll see, but if not, it's not the end of the world. Life goes on and she'll make an awesome friend.

The site that I write reviews for is both awesome and annoying. The guy I work with is a really fun guy to be around, especially because we both really geek out about video games. However, it seems like he's been less into the site lately, which makes me feel like this may all be for nothing. We both get tired sometimes, I know, but I hope I'm just getting the wrong idea and that things are cool on his end. I really want to continue this with him and the both of us have a wonderful dream that we can definitely make happen eventually. Only time will tell, but I just feel like the whole thing is in limbo right now. He doesn't seem to be as into requesting things or sending me news as he used to be; he lacks enthusiasm, I guess. I don't know. Whatever. Maybe I'm just getting the wrong signals. He does seem to ignore me quite frequently, though, both on AIM and via text messages. He says he's just busy, but is that really the truth? When he's sitting on AIM, he's at his laptop. When he's not idle or away, that means he's conversing. If he's conversing, why would he just ignore me? It's another thing that I just don't get, but I could just be paranoid. I like to think he and I are great friends, though.

More stuff seems to be going wrong on the financial side of my life. Not only did my phone break, but I currently need to gather $40 somehow just to keep up with the bills. I need a job very badly, which doesn't seem to be happening. Yet again, I've filled out tons of applications without receiving a single response. If I don't get a job soon, I'll have to cancel both NetFlix and Final Fantasy XI. I realize that it's a bad idea to keep both of those things when I really don't have the money to pay for them, but they're two of the simplest things in life that I rely on to help keep myself entertained and happy when all else fails. I'll get rid of them if I have to and they certainly don't rule over my life, but if I have to sell a game or two, I'd rather go that route. I have tons of other games and if need be, I can pay the bill with a very small portion of them.

I posted something for sale recently that could net me $150-200 if it sells. If it doesn't sell, there's not much I can do about that, but if it does, I can both pay my bills and get a new phone. It would fix my PayPal account, which is the last one with a negative balance, but I would also be up around $120 at the lowest price point even after that.

"Neo Steam" closed it's doors until the game is ready for the full game launch. Our characters will not be deleted, but the game will remain unavailable here in the USA until later this year. I stopped playing it frequently, anyway, so it's not a huge loss for the time being. It was just a fun spin on the MMORPG genre that I burnt out very quickly.

I've been experiencing all of the same weird chest/heart/head problems for quite some time now. Sometimes it's a weird, hard beat in my chest. Other times it's a very bad, but brief shortness of breath. Every now and then, it feels like my head is going numb. Those are not good signs. Somehow, the doctors say I'm fine, but how am I fine if this shit keeps happening? At this rate, I'll pass away before anyone can help me. That's one of my biggest fears, too. I don't want to die and especially not now. There's still a lot left for me to do before I'm ready to accept death.

I need to lose weight. I need to get fit. I need to tone my body and build stamina. I'm tired of being unable to do anything because my body is crippled in a sense. Sure, my back is fucked up and no amount of weight loss or muscular toning is going to fix that, but I can certainly make things a hell of a lot more tolerable. There are several things holding me back right now. For one, I can't very well work out at home due to the discouraging atmosphere and the amount of cigarettes that people smoke. I have allergies to cigarette smoke, but it also makes it harder to breathe, which in turn makes it harder to work out properly. Second, I already have a hard enough time breathing regularly. I don't know what the hell happened, but my body was somehow seriously fucked up when I had a pneumonia back during Christmas of 2006. It may have even been 2005. I don't really remember when it was, but it sucked and I was seriously very close to death by the time I finally found a way to the hospital. No inhaler or medicine seems to fix it, so I don't even know if anything can be done about that. Anyhow, the next problem is my back. I have a genuinely problematic back that spasms whenever it feels the need to do so. I could be comfortable, relaxed or even sleeping and out of nowhere, my back will start hurting so bad that I can't even breathe. It's almost like a state of paralysis and sometimes it lasts for several days at a time, rendering me almost immobile. Next, I hate working out alone. That's more of a personal problem that I need to get over for my own sake, but until then, I can't bring myself to do it. Finally, my brother pays for my Gold's Gym membership, yet no one ever wants to go. I can't get a ride most of the time because it's a 15-20 minute drive and my brother only seems to ask me to work out once a month or so and it's always at the most inconvenient times, like when I'm already about to leave to carry on with plans I've already made. In short, if I had an encouraging workout partner who was dedicated to the cause and was willing to work out with me on a daily basis and at my own pace, I would be golden. The problem is, personal trainers are expensive as shit and everyone else is far more capable than I am right now when it comes to working out, so they wont want to go at my snail's pace. Oh well. Such is life.

I never could talk anyone into giving me a ride to my doctor's office, so my sliding scale benefits are no longer available, which means I have absolutely no source of health benefits. I can't even get a new inhaler when I want it. All I needed was a ride to drop off a simple letter that I received in the mail to keep it going, but no one ever took me and so there's nothing I can do about it. In order for me to receive health benefits without insurance at this point, I'd need to contact social security and hope that they accept me. If all else fails, I'll have to start paying $100-200/month like everyone else does, which I can't afford, which means it's not happening. I already owe around $2,000 in hospital bills, according to my most recent statement. I don't think I can handle anymore. I can't even pay these bills as is. Thankfully they can't do anything about it other than harass our house phone, which I don't answer anyway. I always keep the ringer off on the phone in my room, seeing as I rely on my cell phone for most calls these days.

There's more to talk about, but I think I'll save the rest for another night. I need to sleep. The sun's already up and I'm tired as hell. I had a fun day, at least. I went out with a buddy of mine to a local bar that had $10 "all you can drink". He spotted me the $10 and we both drank a fair bit and had a good time, which is what got me thinking. Odd, I guess, but whatever. For now, I'm out. Good night. Take care! Steve out.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire

The only thing I have to say right now is that the movie "Slumdog Millionaire" is definitely worth all of the hype. Fantastic movie. See it. That is all.


Friday, June 5, 2009

What's next?

These days, everything seems to be breaking. It all started with my heart, then progressed into parts of the Ax Pro headset, which are being replaced for free thanks to the awesome guys as Tritton. After that, my Xbox 360 broke, causing me to make a big decision, which led to the sale of my PlayStation 3. During that time, my credit and bank accounts were all fucked up, causing me to go in debt far more than I could afford at the time. Now, my cell phone is broken. I didn't even drop it or mess with it. I just woke up and plugged the charger in, but it wouldn't charge. I tried everything the FAQs on the site recommend, as well as a few things I figured may have worked on my own. Ultimately, I discovered that the phone's charging port is just broken and irrepairable without paying for the service at a licensed technician. As much as it would cost, I'd be better off buying a new one, which means that it's time to get rid of some of my Xbox 360 games. I don't necessarily have to sell very many of them, but I don't want to get rid of them at all. This month of phone service is already paid for, too, so if I don't get a new phone soon, that's $40 down the drain. Great, huh? Yeah, I thought so.

In other news, I checked my Turbine accounts. The account tied to my press information had remnants of my work, which means that I had a lifetime membership for free. However, it was set as a trial membership because Turbine restricts their press accounts after 1-3 months, it seems. The way around that, however, is simply to upgrade your account with a new CD key purchased from their official digital store. In other words, I paid $9.99 for Lord Of The Rings Online + the expansion, Mines of Moria and upgraded my account to a full lifetime premium membership. I never have to pay a single penny ever again. The most I have to do is buy the new expansions as they come out, which is standard practice. It's a very fun game for what it is and tons of people seem to play it these days. This is a big perk, though and it gives me something to do when I feel like playing a "serious business" MMORPG. NeoSteam is the other one I play, alongside my slew of other video games.

Other than that, there's not much else to report today. I think I need to start writing daily again. I'm starting to feel overstressed again without unleashing my crazy thoughts upon you guys. Anyway, thanks for reading! Take care!


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Things seem to be moving at a snail's pace, but progress is progress.

It's been more than two full weeks since I last updated this thing. I've been both extremely busy and yet not busy enough for various reasons. There's a lot to talk about, but I feel like it's just not enough anymore. I want to kick my life up a few steps and get things started, but is that even possible? Who knows anymore?

First thing's first: Chrissy. Since my last post, I've officially managed to avoid any contact with her, aside from a very brief accidental run-in. I told her boyfriend a few small truths, she sent me a nasty voice mail and I never responded. That's pretty much the end of it, but she's playing with that boy's heart and I don't like it. Oh well. I tried, but he wont listen and neither will she. Nothin' I can do about that. I'm used to being away from her, though and it doesn't sting as much as it used to. That saga is over now, though and I'm happy to finally be done with it.

Kristy and Emily both have not been a part of my life for a long while now. Emily hasn't even tried to contact me, but Kristy has sent me three messages, all of which simply said "hi". I'm invisible to her and she's not on my buddy list, so as far as she knows, I don't use Yahoo anymore. I did not respond to any of those messages and I'm damn proud of myself for that. It feels like it's been forever since I've been with anyone, but I've grown used to this whole thing and I'm perfectly fine with being single again. I don't really bother trying to date anyone and while there's that one girl who I'd date if the chance ever came about, I don't really focus on that. It's on my mind, but it doesn't stand out or slow me down. Life has become all about me and my friends, which is an entirely awesome thing that I almost forgot was possible. Living life without relationship stress or tie-downs is so freakin' awesome and I truly need this time to myself.

My best friend has been coming around very regularly; almost daily. He typically only shows up at night, but we hang out during the day from ttime to time. We share laughs, tell stories and sometimes play games, but most importantly, we support one another as friends. He's become a very good sport with my stupid jokes and even makes some of his own. In general, he's one of my main ties to the real world, along with my younger brother and a handful of others who I hang out with on a semi-weekly basis, but not nearly as much as my best friend.

I was reinstated on Avatar, which was awesome for a while. I met someone from my past all over again and I've been having a great time getting to know that person again. We've had several good conversations and we only grow closer by the day. Aside from that, I was working on a few massive side projects that aren't quite ready to be unveiled to the MUD or the other staff members just yet, but I think I'm completely done with that place. For whatever reason, certain people have been very rude to me who have been good friends and essentially mentors in the past. They've been trying to make me read the immortal laws, go through immortal school again and all sorts of other dumb stuff, which doesn't make any sense. I reported a bug and yes, I used it to check out the level 1,000 command list, but it was only on a harmless test port and I did nothing with that power. If that's why everyone is in an uproar, they can eat a giant dick together. If there's something else that I don't know about, I'd really like to know what it is so we can put this whole thing in the past, but I'm not dealing with anyone until they treat me like a human being. Until then, Avatar is dead to me. I'll stick to games that are actually fun with my real-life friends instead of working and socializing in a place where people apparently don't give a rat's ass about me. As a game, Avatar sucks. It's boring, repetitious and truly is nothing more than a game of numbers. It requires no skill and minimal knowledge to play the game, even up to the highest available tier at the time of this writing. If you can read and you can type at a moderate pace, you can play Avatar. They don't realize that my entire reason for working with them and playing there is because I care about the people, not the game. I enjoyed their company and we shared a lot of good laughs. I don't really know what happened and it kinda' hurts to think that these people, whom I genuinely considered to be friends for an extremely long time, think of me as nothing more than an animal. I don't really know how I'm going to handle this situation, but it's not at the top of my list right now. There's a lot of other stuff going on.

I'm caught up on all of my stuff, including my negative balances everywhere and I believe that everything is stable for the time being. There's still a lot of debt to pay off, but I'm working on that. I canceled everything aside from my ATM card and 1 of my credit cards, both of which get used only when needed and never for major purchases unless I'm 100% sure that I have the cash in the bank. I've got that under control, although I'm just a little bit on edge and I may have to sell one or two games to make sure it's all resolved, but I have a few games that are valuable and useless to me, so it's not the end of the world.

I miss owning a PS3, even though I rarely played it. I'll get another one when it's cheaper, but E3 didn't throw any curveballs out there that made the PS3 stand out as something that I need to have again just yet. I think I made the right choice for now, after having witnessed this massively disappointing press conference. MicroSoft totally stole the show, although Nintendo's announcements of "Super Mario Galaxy 2", "Golden Sun DS" and "Metroid Other M" were absolutely amazing. I never expected the "Golden Sun" series to be revived, so that knocked me off my feet. I was truly in awe and even made the :O face in real-life. "Red Steel 2" also looks really cool, even though the first one was very much a disappointment. They've put a lot of effort into making that game a really polished experience. Then we have "No More Heroes 2", among other things. There's a lot of good stuff hitting the Nintendo platforms, so thank you, Nintendo! I have something to look forward to for your consoles again! It's about time!

Financially, I'm broke as hell. I've dropped in applications both online and in peerson at so many places that I'm starting to wonder if there's a single place left on Earth that's still hiring. I need a job so that I can pay off my debt and start saving up to move on with my life. It sucks balls, but maybe that golden ticket will come my way and lead me to a stable job soon. Who knows? I sure as hell don't.

I haven't been hanging out with people very frequently aside from my best friend, but there are a few things somewhat planned. I also haven't spoken much to my Xbox Live buddies, who are also real-life friends that I just rarely see. They're both off playing different MMORPGs, so I just don't see them very often because of that. There's not much I can do about that, but everything will snap into place on that front eventually. It always does. I'm just in a dry spot right now, which means I feel pretty damn lonely on a daily basis.

Atlus has finally made their MMORPG, "NeoSteam", public. I took part in the semi-closed beta and while I liked it, I didn't really get addicted until it went public. Since it's been public, I've put a good thirty or fourty hours into it. The game hasn't even been out for a single full week yet and I'm already almost halfway to the maximum player level. There are players who put far more time into the game and level far, far more and are even up to the mid-60s already, but all things considered, I'm pretty high up there. I started my own guild, which has a good amount of members and I've made a few new friends from that. I've also made a few non-guild acquaintances, which could lead to long-term friendships. Who knows? Either way, I'm having fun with the game. If you're interested in checking the game out, it's 100% free and doesn't require a high-end computer to run. The address is and you can sign up, download the client and get started fairly fast! Hopefully I see you there!

I haven't spoken to my close female cousin ever since she popped her child out. She parties a lot and does some general stuff involving taking care of her new kid, but she doesn't seem to care that I exist now that she's not bored anymore. It's a shame, you know, but I saw this coming, as I pointed out in blogs a while ago.

I miss my buddy from Florida. He and I were close for a long time, but he rarely ever says anything to me anymore. He used to have long conversations with me and sometimes we'd play games together, but most importantly, he made it known on almost a daily basis that I meant something to him. He made me feel like an important part of his life very often and I really enjoyed that sorta' friendship. I don't know what happened, but there doesn't seem to be much of a reason for it. I just hope that works out in the long run. I'm tired of losing friends, especially when it's for a stupid or even unknown reason.

I haven't hung out with my Uncle much for a while, but I think I'm going to try and schedule something for this weekend if he's not busy. I need to get out, hang out and be positive. In fact, I may give him a call after I'm done writing on here.

I'm sure that there's a lot of things left to talk about, but I'll write about those another time. I'm exhausted. Take care!


Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ramble ramble ramble

Well, I officially buried any remaining feelings for Chrissy and obtained a good bit of closure. Not only did I witness her acting like a douchebag and saying something mean right in front of my face to her friend, but I told her boyfriend some truths about her and she freaked out and played it off like they were lies, then told me to go fuck myself, all in one voice message. I deleted it and refused to respond to her. She also tried to write off how she treated me as a side effect of my "sleeping habits changing", which is a total lie because they were the same until she started being a cuntbag. It's pretty much that simple. I've concluded that she just isn't worth my time. Hence, closure has been reached and I must admit that I'm relieved to a certain extent. She acts like her shit doesn't stink, but it's not a privelege to have her in my life at all; quite the opposite. Life is much better without her, in truth and that realization has come.

I've also stuck to my plan to keep out of touch with both Kristy and Emily. I haven't heard from or made any efforts to contact Emily and Kristy has tried to contact me, but I've not responded at all. It's growing easier to cope with these changes as more time passes, but I still feel a mild degree of attachment to both of them yet. Still, I'm sticking to it and it's working, so I can't really complain.

I haven't talked to my "close" female cousin much recently. She's been busy with her other friends and her kid, now that she's been born and all of that. We're supposed to hang out and drink or something soon, but I'm not sure when or where, so there's not much to say about that.

I haven't talked to very many of my friends lately, but I'm trying my best to make an effort and include everyone. I'm trying to spread my time out between as many friends as I can, to let them know that I care about each and every one of them. I'm setting multiple series of plans up with different groups of friends, so we'll see how that works out!

My new Xbox 360 has been getting plenty of use with "Raiden Fighters Aces" and of course more "Forza Motorsport 2", which is getting closer every day to 100% completion. I've broken the 50 retail disc mark for Xbox 360 officially, too, so aside from the loss of my PS3, there's a lot of action on the gaming front. I believe there's a good bit of stuff being sent my way soon, too, so we'll see what the future holds on the gaming side of my life!

My bank account has been set to a positive number, but my credit card is still at $46 negative. They couldn't fix it for me, so I have to come up with money and pay that. The easiest way is to cancel NetFlix and my cell phone for a month, but that would suck balls. I may sell a game or two to make the cash up for the time being and call it even. I did cancel that card, though, so after this, there will be no more issues with that card. PayPal is also still negative, but that gets my attention after the rest of my credit issues are resolved. I'll figure something out soon, I hope.

The girl I currently find appealing is a bit odd lately. She doesn't seem very interested in me, although our friendship is pretty stable. We've never had an argument or a disagreement, although we've also not actually hung out without Chrissy. Still, I don't think it's a negative situation, so it's all good. I don't think I need a girlfriend right now, anyway; I'm perfectly content with being single. Love will find me, not the other way around!

With all of that junk out of the way, I guess the only other update I have is that I've been pretty bored lately. As many games as I have and as much as there is to do, I just don't feel like doing much stuff by myself. I constantly want positive attention from my friends, but I also like being home. I don't really know what it is, but I'm somewhere in limbo. Maybe I'm just burnt out. Perhaps I need a vacation! Not much longer and I'll have one of those!

I hung out with my Uncle recently. We just hung out at the house, ate, laughed a lot and then went to a Chinese buffet. There wasn't a lot going on, but I had fun while I was there and I got one of my games back. He's still borrowing one, but that's fine. I trust him. I just don't like being without any of my games. It feels odd, ya' know?

Anyway, I guess I'm done for now. Everything is off my chest for now. Hopefully I don't have another anxiety or panic attack. Steve out! Take care!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Choices, choices...

So, I sold the PS3, along with extra stuff I had laying around and came up with the money to buy an Arcade model Xbox 360, which works wonderfully. It's all registered with a brand new Microsoft warranty and everything is set up and good to go. With the remaining money, I gave Mom what was left as a belated Mother's Day gift, which wasn't a whole lot, but it helped. I didn't do it because I felt bad, either. I did it because I wanted her to see that it's not about the money for me. It's a matter of priorities and yeah, I know it's still all the same; material posessions are material posessions, but for me, it goes beyond that. Still, she was quite happy and she's treating a friend to go out with her for lunch today during her break at work with a portion of the money. She was surprised, but regardless, everything worked out and as much as I miss having my PS3, I'm happy to have a new and working Xbox 360 with the Jasper chipset. That chapter has come to a close, sort of, although every other problem on the list still remains. One at a time, though...

This post was just a quite update on my choice. Thanks for reading and most of all, for caring. For now, Steve out.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Nothing can be done to prevent the inevitable

It's been a week since I last felt the need to write. Not much has been going on, but the things that have happened to me are making me feel like a steaming pile of shit.

First, we have the bank. For whatever reason, I was charged an overdraft fee that wasn't even accounted for. There was no charge that set my account negative, yet they wont reverse the fee because it's "out of their control". This, ladies and gentlemen, is Provident Bank. I'm very much considering switching to Bank of America for security and policy reasons. I'm broke, so my mother is going to help me out. More on that later!

As if that weren't bad enough, one of my credit cards was also penalized for going over the limit, which was also not accounted for. They haven't yet finished the investigation, or so they say, but I may have to make up for that. As broke as I am, I can't really afford to pay the extra $50 they're asking and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. If they don't reverse the charge, I'll have to get rid of a game or two to cover the fees in order to prevent my debt from getting even more ridiculous, which leads me into the other fucked up thing that happened to me recently.

Just today, or I guess yesterday if you want to be technical, my Xbox 360 officially died. This is a launch model, so I'm surprised that it lasted this long as is, but this has happened before. You see, it doesn't read discs at all. Last time, a good friend of mine was here and together, we were up almost until the sun came up collaborating on the solution. I was the hands, while he was the brains. I had him look up the method to open the Xbox 360 and by using that, I managed to create an opening tool, crack the console open, get into the DVD drive and reset the laser. I cleaned the lense and reset it's position, which worked like a charm. We were both happy and this worked for quite some time. It had a few brief relapses, but they were resolved by shutting the system off, turning it back on and putting a new disc in for a second. This time, however, no amount of work was able to fix it. I'd need to pay MicroSoft $100, not including the extremely high shipping cost just to get this thing fixed. I could also pay a third party $50-65 to fix it, but again, I'm low on money and it's not really an option, so I decided I have two choices, given that I need this system more than any other piece of electronics in our house, aside from my PC. Without an Xbox 360, I can't play the majority of the games sent to me for review, which means the site goes down to the shitter and I can't risk that. Even discounting that, though, Xbox 360 is my primary source of entertainment when I'm home. Without it, I feel naked. It may sound sad to any non-gamer who may read this, but any serious gamer knows exactly how I feel. Gaming isn't a hobby; it's a way of life. It doesn't rule over my being or how much fun I have, but it keep sme calm, gives me things to look forward to on a constant basis and keeps me in check. It's a major component of my life.

Anyhow, my two options are as follows:

Option 1: Trade my PS3 for a new Xbox 360. This would be an Arcade model, brand new from the store. I'd probably go to GameStop and trade it in there, which is a ripoff, but I don't really use the PS3 often anyway. I love having that console freedom, though and I'll also feel guilty. My mother bought me this Ps3 as a Christmas gift and she feels bad that I may get rid of it. I also use this for the occasional PS3 review, but those are few and far between and I can still use other PS3s to get the job done, so it doesn't highly impact my work ability. I reformatted the hard drive already, which took 5 hours for the deep format and I didn't really lose anything, considering I only played hte PS3 a handful of times, most of which were for review purposes.

Option 2: Trade 10-20 Xbox 360 games in to GameStop for a new Arcade model console. However, aside from a very small selection of games, I actually like and play the 49 retail games that I own for the Xbox 360. I could pull this off easily and only really feel like I've "lost" 3 or so games, although the sacrifice would be 10 games, adding up to a total retail value of over $500. This is a viable option and while I'd lose a few key games, I can always get them back later and I'd be able to keep Mom happy. For selfish reasons, this is the most popular option in my own mind, but to keep the balance, this may be the the worst choice. Mother's Day just passed, after all and I'd feel bad, at least for a while, if I sent Mom into regret/guilt/sad mode, even if she does treat me like shit on an emotional level.

To be honest, I still don't know which route I'm going to go and I know Mom will get over it. It's just the concept. I don't know why I'm even feeling guilty at all, given that I rarely use it, I've honestly never cared about this sorta' thing in the past and this is my own PS3. I mean, if I don't use it, it's better off with someone who WILL use it, right? If I trade it foro something that will make me happy, isn't that the point? I just don't know anymore. This is going to make my head explode. It sounds so childish and stupid, but either way, there's going to be a bit of regret, which I try not to let into my life at all.

Moving on, though, Mom DOES help a lot with me in a financial sense. She treats me like shit, yells at me for no apparent reason, blames just about everything on me takes her aggression out on me. I'm pretty much her whipping boy; her punching bag, if you will. And for what? I have no idea, but it's pretty sickening and even outsiders who enter our home agree with me. Every friend I've ever brought here has stated that my Mom is nice, but the ones who stick around long enough to see how she really treats me; they don't come back. They try to get me out of the house and take me with them. At the very least, I'm dragged to someone else's living quarters just because they don't want to subject either me or themselves to my mother's true nature. Despite that, she has that motherly instinct that wont let her completely abandon her children. I have several disabilities, which limit my ability to work greatly in many places. Aside from my back ptoblrmd, breathing trouble and Asthma, I have no license and I'm unable to obtain one because of my Tourette's Syndrome; it's a danger to myself and others because of certain "ticks" I experience. You can imagine that this makes life suck dicks, but it's in part my own fault...

A few years ago, I accepted 3 credit card offers, which ultimately set me on the path towards horrible credit. I maxed them all out almost right away, indulging in all sorts of things, including the very Xbox 360 that died today. Mom actually pays my credit bills. She only pays the minimum, but in total, combined with my cell phone bill, is around $110. She deposits $120-125 every month, the extra of which is "supposed" to go into my credit accounts, but I spend both the extra money and some of the left over balance after finance charges in the credit accounts. It's a terrible problem. I'm absolutely horrible with money, just like everyone else in my household. It runs in our genes, I guess, although that's not true for my last living set of grandparents. They're very good with finances and if I told them the truth, they would help me manage everything and keep me in check. The problem is, I don't have the heart to tell them the truth. So instead, I canceled all of my credit cards. I know, I know. It looks terrible on my credit report and it's a bad mark on my personal character, but it's the only way I can force myself out of spending the extra credit on the cards. I know myself and I'll probably still spend the small $10ish that's left over, but it's a start, ya' know? I'll bring myself to tell my Mother about this eventually and when I do, she'll be okay with it because I've done something about it. She'll just deposit less money and make sure I only put that money where it belongs. That part of my finances will be fine and it'll be kept in check, albeit a decent debt to pay off.

I also have hospital bills, which are totalled up to around $2,500-3,000, I believe. There's also a $-40 or so balance in my PayPal account, which was caused by an eBay scammer and I have no way of fixing that right now, so it's on hold until I have extra money. In total, my debt is around $6,000, I think. I can, by no means, afford to just rush out and pay this off. It's going to be a while, but I'm taking the steps to pay off the credit cards and calling it a day for now. The hospital can't and wont force me to pay those bills because they were ER charges and I can't do anything about it, so I have that going for me, even though it's fucked up my credit beyond repair for the time being. They WILL get paid off and my life will get set back on track, though.

If you haven't noticed, regardless of how bad I am with finances, this all comes down to one thing: money. If I open a Bank of America account and manage to actually get hired somewhere on the side that gives me a steady paycheck, I can have them help me. My brother does exactly what I need to do through them because he's the same way. He just had them open and control a sub account under his main account, which is set up to pay bills and every time a paycheck goes through, they take half of it, but only until the it reaches the balance he needs to pay whatever his bills are. It's a fullproof system, so long as you're honest and update your bills and finances as needed. For me, in my current state, it wouldn't be a difficult system to setup and use.

In conclusion, I need a fucking paying job. I'm tired of doing all of this work and seeing no real progress in my life. I love what I do and I wouldn't give it up for the world, so don't get me wrong; I'm not renouncing my loyalty or faith for the site I write for. I just want money and that's more important right now, so I need to start working on my backup plan. I'm still devoting myself to what's going on with what I love and do right now, but I'm going to work full-force on finding a full or part time job; whichever I can find first. My writing will come in second, just as it does for everyone else. Even the creator of the site puts his work and life before the site for the time being and I know I should follow his example, so I'm going to do so. I just hope I have better luck finding a job this time.

And for the record, you don't have to tell me. I don't do bad things or lie very often, but the money situation behind my mother's back is fucked up. I know it makes me a pretty terrible person in a certain respect and I don't like who I am for that reason. Please don't judge me for it. I'm not here to be judged. I'm here to get things off my chest and cope with my life, one step at a time. I'm making progress, but it's so hard to even take that next step sometimes and I need all of the support I can get from everyone I know. It takes a lot out of me to be this honest and just spill the beans. Thanks for reading. I hope you don't think too low of me after this. Good night.