Nothing can be done to prevent the inevitable

It's been a week since I last felt the need to write. Not much has been going on, but the things that have happened to me are making me feel like a steaming pile of shit.

First, we have the bank. For whatever reason, I was charged an overdraft fee that wasn't even accounted for. There was no charge that set my account negative, yet they wont reverse the fee because it's "out of their control". This, ladies and gentlemen, is Provident Bank. I'm very much considering switching to Bank of America for security and policy reasons. I'm broke, so my mother is going to help me out. More on that later!

As if that weren't bad enough, one of my credit cards was also penalized for going over the limit, which was also not accounted for. They haven't yet finished the investigation, or so they say, but I may have to make up for that. As broke as I am, I can't really afford to pay the extra $50 they're asking and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. If they don't reverse the charge, I'll have to get rid of a game or two to cover the fees in order to prevent my debt from getting even more ridiculous, which leads me into the other fucked up thing that happened to me recently.

Just today, or I guess yesterday if you want to be technical, my Xbox 360 officially died. This is a launch model, so I'm surprised that it lasted this long as is, but this has happened before. You see, it doesn't read discs at all. Last time, a good friend of mine was here and together, we were up almost until the sun came up collaborating on the solution. I was the hands, while he was the brains. I had him look up the method to open the Xbox 360 and by using that, I managed to create an opening tool, crack the console open, get into the DVD drive and reset the laser. I cleaned the lense and reset it's position, which worked like a charm. We were both happy and this worked for quite some time. It had a few brief relapses, but they were resolved by shutting the system off, turning it back on and putting a new disc in for a second. This time, however, no amount of work was able to fix it. I'd need to pay MicroSoft $100, not including the extremely high shipping cost just to get this thing fixed. I could also pay a third party $50-65 to fix it, but again, I'm low on money and it's not really an option, so I decided I have two choices, given that I need this system more than any other piece of electronics in our house, aside from my PC. Without an Xbox 360, I can't play the majority of the games sent to me for review, which means the site goes down to the shitter and I can't risk that. Even discounting that, though, Xbox 360 is my primary source of entertainment when I'm home. Without it, I feel naked. It may sound sad to any non-gamer who may read this, but any serious gamer knows exactly how I feel. Gaming isn't a hobby; it's a way of life. It doesn't rule over my being or how much fun I have, but it keep sme calm, gives me things to look forward to on a constant basis and keeps me in check. It's a major component of my life.

Anyhow, my two options are as follows:

Option 1: Trade my PS3 for a new Xbox 360. This would be an Arcade model, brand new from the store. I'd probably go to GameStop and trade it in there, which is a ripoff, but I don't really use the PS3 often anyway. I love having that console freedom, though and I'll also feel guilty. My mother bought me this Ps3 as a Christmas gift and she feels bad that I may get rid of it. I also use this for the occasional PS3 review, but those are few and far between and I can still use other PS3s to get the job done, so it doesn't highly impact my work ability. I reformatted the hard drive already, which took 5 hours for the deep format and I didn't really lose anything, considering I only played hte PS3 a handful of times, most of which were for review purposes.

Option 2: Trade 10-20 Xbox 360 games in to GameStop for a new Arcade model console. However, aside from a very small selection of games, I actually like and play the 49 retail games that I own for the Xbox 360. I could pull this off easily and only really feel like I've "lost" 3 or so games, although the sacrifice would be 10 games, adding up to a total retail value of over $500. This is a viable option and while I'd lose a few key games, I can always get them back later and I'd be able to keep Mom happy. For selfish reasons, this is the most popular option in my own mind, but to keep the balance, this may be the the worst choice. Mother's Day just passed, after all and I'd feel bad, at least for a while, if I sent Mom into regret/guilt/sad mode, even if she does treat me like shit on an emotional level.

To be honest, I still don't know which route I'm going to go and I know Mom will get over it. It's just the concept. I don't know why I'm even feeling guilty at all, given that I rarely use it, I've honestly never cared about this sorta' thing in the past and this is my own PS3. I mean, if I don't use it, it's better off with someone who WILL use it, right? If I trade it foro something that will make me happy, isn't that the point? I just don't know anymore. This is going to make my head explode. It sounds so childish and stupid, but either way, there's going to be a bit of regret, which I try not to let into my life at all.

Moving on, though, Mom DOES help a lot with me in a financial sense. She treats me like shit, yells at me for no apparent reason, blames just about everything on me takes her aggression out on me. I'm pretty much her whipping boy; her punching bag, if you will. And for what? I have no idea, but it's pretty sickening and even outsiders who enter our home agree with me. Every friend I've ever brought here has stated that my Mom is nice, but the ones who stick around long enough to see how she really treats me; they don't come back. They try to get me out of the house and take me with them. At the very least, I'm dragged to someone else's living quarters just because they don't want to subject either me or themselves to my mother's true nature. Despite that, she has that motherly instinct that wont let her completely abandon her children. I have several disabilities, which limit my ability to work greatly in many places. Aside from my back ptoblrmd, breathing trouble and Asthma, I have no license and I'm unable to obtain one because of my Tourette's Syndrome; it's a danger to myself and others because of certain "ticks" I experience. You can imagine that this makes life suck dicks, but it's in part my own fault...

A few years ago, I accepted 3 credit card offers, which ultimately set me on the path towards horrible credit. I maxed them all out almost right away, indulging in all sorts of things, including the very Xbox 360 that died today. Mom actually pays my credit bills. She only pays the minimum, but in total, combined with my cell phone bill, is around $110. She deposits $120-125 every month, the extra of which is "supposed" to go into my credit accounts, but I spend both the extra money and some of the left over balance after finance charges in the credit accounts. It's a terrible problem. I'm absolutely horrible with money, just like everyone else in my household. It runs in our genes, I guess, although that's not true for my last living set of grandparents. They're very good with finances and if I told them the truth, they would help me manage everything and keep me in check. The problem is, I don't have the heart to tell them the truth. So instead, I canceled all of my credit cards. I know, I know. It looks terrible on my credit report and it's a bad mark on my personal character, but it's the only way I can force myself out of spending the extra credit on the cards. I know myself and I'll probably still spend the small $10ish that's left over, but it's a start, ya' know? I'll bring myself to tell my Mother about this eventually and when I do, she'll be okay with it because I've done something about it. She'll just deposit less money and make sure I only put that money where it belongs. That part of my finances will be fine and it'll be kept in check, albeit a decent debt to pay off.

I also have hospital bills, which are totalled up to around $2,500-3,000, I believe. There's also a $-40 or so balance in my PayPal account, which was caused by an eBay scammer and I have no way of fixing that right now, so it's on hold until I have extra money. In total, my debt is around $6,000, I think. I can, by no means, afford to just rush out and pay this off. It's going to be a while, but I'm taking the steps to pay off the credit cards and calling it a day for now. The hospital can't and wont force me to pay those bills because they were ER charges and I can't do anything about it, so I have that going for me, even though it's fucked up my credit beyond repair for the time being. They WILL get paid off and my life will get set back on track, though.

If you haven't noticed, regardless of how bad I am with finances, this all comes down to one thing: money. If I open a Bank of America account and manage to actually get hired somewhere on the side that gives me a steady paycheck, I can have them help me. My brother does exactly what I need to do through them because he's the same way. He just had them open and control a sub account under his main account, which is set up to pay bills and every time a paycheck goes through, they take half of it, but only until the it reaches the balance he needs to pay whatever his bills are. It's a fullproof system, so long as you're honest and update your bills and finances as needed. For me, in my current state, it wouldn't be a difficult system to setup and use.

In conclusion, I need a fucking paying job. I'm tired of doing all of this work and seeing no real progress in my life. I love what I do and I wouldn't give it up for the world, so don't get me wrong; I'm not renouncing my loyalty or faith for the site I write for. I just want money and that's more important right now, so I need to start working on my backup plan. I'm still devoting myself to what's going on with what I love and do right now, but I'm going to work full-force on finding a full or part time job; whichever I can find first. My writing will come in second, just as it does for everyone else. Even the creator of the site puts his work and life before the site for the time being and I know I should follow his example, so I'm going to do so. I just hope I have better luck finding a job this time.

And for the record, you don't have to tell me. I don't do bad things or lie very often, but the money situation behind my mother's back is fucked up. I know it makes me a pretty terrible person in a certain respect and I don't like who I am for that reason. Please don't judge me for it. I'm not here to be judged. I'm here to get things off my chest and cope with my life, one step at a time. I'm making progress, but it's so hard to even take that next step sometimes and I need all of the support I can get from everyone I know. It takes a lot out of me to be this honest and just spill the beans. Thanks for reading. I hope you don't think too low of me after this. Good night.

-S