Thursday, June 11, 2009

Ups and downs...

As I sit in front of my computer, it is currently after 5AM EST. I've been going to sleep later and later yet again, which means I'll eventually end up missing out on the good part of the day. I need to fix that as soon as possible. I like being a night person, but this is a bit outrageous. I would go to bed, but a lot has been going on lately and I think I need to clean out my closet.

I've accepted being single and I rather enjoy having my alone time again. I still love hanging out with friends, but I haven't had much of a chance to do so lately. Part of that is my own fault, but other people are just as guilty as I am. In general, no one seems to make plans or they outright ignore me most of the time. I see a handful of people every so often and an even smaller amount of people on a daily or semi-daily basis. Regardless, life isn't about finding that one true love or being attached to someone else's hip. I just had to relax for a while and bring myself back down to that mindset in order to function as I normally would.

These days, most of my time is spent in front of my computer doing absolutely nothing. I'll converse with people from time to time, but a typical day involves far less conversation and, aside from stuff that I'm reviewing, a lot less gaming. I'll play some sort of game just about every day, but most of it surely isn't for my own personal enjoyment these days. I think that's simply because I feel the need to get out more and just be social again. Once I can break into that again for a while, I think I'll be okay. There's one exception, of course. "Prototype" is now on store shelves and if I'm not sent that game for review purposes, I'll surely trade some games in and pick it up. I'll definitely spend a lot of time playing that game, although it's not likely to be as obsessive as my time with "Resident Evil 5" was.

My Uncle and I went through a phase in which we hung out and talked constantly, but we hang out less and less lately. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it kinda' sucks. Our time together is special in a brotherly sorta' way and sometimes I truthfully feel like I'm not cool enough for him. Cheesy as that may be, it's just how I feel.

My "close" female cousin and I don't talk nearly as much. She's a much more enjoyable person to be around now that she's had the baby, but it's still not my kinda' thing when it's just her and I. We sit around and watch movies until her and the baby fall asleep, which just feels boring. She's a mommy now and I totally understand what that's like, given that I've seen it so many times throughout my life already, but it just feels like we don't have anything in common anymore. She doesn't like to use her computer much, she doesn't get out much and she doesn't like playing games much. She pretty much spends most of her time doing absolutely nothing. Even when her family is watching her child, she still doesn't do very much. I don't get it, but whatever. The last time I was over there, I came home early out of sheer boredom. I didn't tell her that and I played it off to be my allergies because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't know what to do about her. She was being weird before the baby was born, but now she just doesn't seem very interested in doing anything.

My best non-family friend is in a relationship that he seems to be blindly devoted to. He cares for the girl he's with, but she's extremely immature and doesn't appreciate the relationship at all. She takes advantage of him and uses his money like it's not even a factor. She treats him like shit and makes him feel bad constantly. Now, I'm not trying to say that my friend is completely in the right here. He overreacts and takes some things far too seriously, but neither of them should be in a relationship at all right now. They're both pretty damn unstable and my buddy even admits to having co-dependency issues, although not in that direct context. He's always telling me how he "has" to be dating someone or he's not happy. I don't know how I can help, but my kind words and bond of friendship seems to help at least a little bit. I hope so, at least. In due time, he'll grow up and open his eyes. After all, everyone does at some point.

My grandparents bought one of my cousins an 80GB PS3 for obtaining his AA. They also gave another one of my cousins $500 for graduating from high school. Do you know what my younger brother received from them for his graduation? $100. It may have been $200, but it was substantially less of a reward. They always claim that we're all equal in their eyes and they try to make everyone believe that they don't play favorites, yet they give far more to the others in the family when they have far less to give. My brother deserved just as much as they do and they had more to give during that period of time. I guess we just never caught their attention. I don't know, but our household has always seemed like the group of family outcasts. I personally seem to be considered the family failure. Lovely, huh? It's certainly not a wonderful feeling, especially when they put down my dreams and discourage me very bluntly at every stop. Every time I see any member of my family, they find a way to make me feel like shit.

I've basically given up on the girl I currently like, but I'm not ready to completely let that go just yet. I know that I lack money. I'm also not much of a looker. Still, she doesn't seem to think badly about me, she's an awesome person and she said we'd hang out more if she had her full license. Right now, she only has her permit. It'll be a little while before she has her full license. Perhaps when she has her license, things will be better between us. We're not in a bad state and we enjoy our conversations, so we have that going for us, at least. I still don't think she actually likes me, though. We'll see, but if not, it's not the end of the world. Life goes on and she'll make an awesome friend.

The site that I write reviews for is both awesome and annoying. The guy I work with is a really fun guy to be around, especially because we both really geek out about video games. However, it seems like he's been less into the site lately, which makes me feel like this may all be for nothing. We both get tired sometimes, I know, but I hope I'm just getting the wrong idea and that things are cool on his end. I really want to continue this with him and the both of us have a wonderful dream that we can definitely make happen eventually. Only time will tell, but I just feel like the whole thing is in limbo right now. He doesn't seem to be as into requesting things or sending me news as he used to be; he lacks enthusiasm, I guess. I don't know. Whatever. Maybe I'm just getting the wrong signals. He does seem to ignore me quite frequently, though, both on AIM and via text messages. He says he's just busy, but is that really the truth? When he's sitting on AIM, he's at his laptop. When he's not idle or away, that means he's conversing. If he's conversing, why would he just ignore me? It's another thing that I just don't get, but I could just be paranoid. I like to think he and I are great friends, though.

More stuff seems to be going wrong on the financial side of my life. Not only did my phone break, but I currently need to gather $40 somehow just to keep up with the bills. I need a job very badly, which doesn't seem to be happening. Yet again, I've filled out tons of applications without receiving a single response. If I don't get a job soon, I'll have to cancel both NetFlix and Final Fantasy XI. I realize that it's a bad idea to keep both of those things when I really don't have the money to pay for them, but they're two of the simplest things in life that I rely on to help keep myself entertained and happy when all else fails. I'll get rid of them if I have to and they certainly don't rule over my life, but if I have to sell a game or two, I'd rather go that route. I have tons of other games and if need be, I can pay the bill with a very small portion of them.

I posted something for sale recently that could net me $150-200 if it sells. If it doesn't sell, there's not much I can do about that, but if it does, I can both pay my bills and get a new phone. It would fix my PayPal account, which is the last one with a negative balance, but I would also be up around $120 at the lowest price point even after that.

"Neo Steam" closed it's doors until the game is ready for the full game launch. Our characters will not be deleted, but the game will remain unavailable here in the USA until later this year. I stopped playing it frequently, anyway, so it's not a huge loss for the time being. It was just a fun spin on the MMORPG genre that I burnt out very quickly.

I've been experiencing all of the same weird chest/heart/head problems for quite some time now. Sometimes it's a weird, hard beat in my chest. Other times it's a very bad, but brief shortness of breath. Every now and then, it feels like my head is going numb. Those are not good signs. Somehow, the doctors say I'm fine, but how am I fine if this shit keeps happening? At this rate, I'll pass away before anyone can help me. That's one of my biggest fears, too. I don't want to die and especially not now. There's still a lot left for me to do before I'm ready to accept death.

I need to lose weight. I need to get fit. I need to tone my body and build stamina. I'm tired of being unable to do anything because my body is crippled in a sense. Sure, my back is fucked up and no amount of weight loss or muscular toning is going to fix that, but I can certainly make things a hell of a lot more tolerable. There are several things holding me back right now. For one, I can't very well work out at home due to the discouraging atmosphere and the amount of cigarettes that people smoke. I have allergies to cigarette smoke, but it also makes it harder to breathe, which in turn makes it harder to work out properly. Second, I already have a hard enough time breathing regularly. I don't know what the hell happened, but my body was somehow seriously fucked up when I had a pneumonia back during Christmas of 2006. It may have even been 2005. I don't really remember when it was, but it sucked and I was seriously very close to death by the time I finally found a way to the hospital. No inhaler or medicine seems to fix it, so I don't even know if anything can be done about that. Anyhow, the next problem is my back. I have a genuinely problematic back that spasms whenever it feels the need to do so. I could be comfortable, relaxed or even sleeping and out of nowhere, my back will start hurting so bad that I can't even breathe. It's almost like a state of paralysis and sometimes it lasts for several days at a time, rendering me almost immobile. Next, I hate working out alone. That's more of a personal problem that I need to get over for my own sake, but until then, I can't bring myself to do it. Finally, my brother pays for my Gold's Gym membership, yet no one ever wants to go. I can't get a ride most of the time because it's a 15-20 minute drive and my brother only seems to ask me to work out once a month or so and it's always at the most inconvenient times, like when I'm already about to leave to carry on with plans I've already made. In short, if I had an encouraging workout partner who was dedicated to the cause and was willing to work out with me on a daily basis and at my own pace, I would be golden. The problem is, personal trainers are expensive as shit and everyone else is far more capable than I am right now when it comes to working out, so they wont want to go at my snail's pace. Oh well. Such is life.

I never could talk anyone into giving me a ride to my doctor's office, so my sliding scale benefits are no longer available, which means I have absolutely no source of health benefits. I can't even get a new inhaler when I want it. All I needed was a ride to drop off a simple letter that I received in the mail to keep it going, but no one ever took me and so there's nothing I can do about it. In order for me to receive health benefits without insurance at this point, I'd need to contact social security and hope that they accept me. If all else fails, I'll have to start paying $100-200/month like everyone else does, which I can't afford, which means it's not happening. I already owe around $2,000 in hospital bills, according to my most recent statement. I don't think I can handle anymore. I can't even pay these bills as is. Thankfully they can't do anything about it other than harass our house phone, which I don't answer anyway. I always keep the ringer off on the phone in my room, seeing as I rely on my cell phone for most calls these days.

There's more to talk about, but I think I'll save the rest for another night. I need to sleep. The sun's already up and I'm tired as hell. I had a fun day, at least. I went out with a buddy of mine to a local bar that had $10 "all you can drink". He spotted me the $10 and we both drank a fair bit and had a good time, which is what got me thinking. Odd, I guess, but whatever. For now, I'm out. Good night. Take care! Steve out.


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