Saturday, February 7, 2009

Long rant...

Recently I haven't been home very much and when I have been home, I've been busy with friends. I went out the other day to hang out with the girl I like and our mutual friend, then I went out the following night to hang out with another friend, which led into me crashing with my cousin, which led into me coming home and throwing a little party with friends, which turned out to be a disaster. I'm happy that a friend of mine who I rarely see came out to here to hang out and he crashed with me, but there's a lot to talk about.

First of all, as much as I can't stop wanting her, I know now that I absolutely have to get over the girl I like. She's no good for me and that's becoming more apparent every day. I admit that I've basically thrown myself at her at every stop, although I've tried all sorts of other tactics as well. She hasn't given me much honest reason to keep wanting her, despite my efforts. She hasn't been very flirty, she's avoided spending time with me every time I ask her to and when she finally is around me, she's very quiet, unresponsive and just generally uninterested. She used to laugh, smile and play around with me all of the time. I think I totally messed that up. I think she wanted friendship and never cared to try for anything more, but I took certain things the wrong way, one thing led to another and out of desperation, I genuinely cried out to her, latched onto her and let myself fall in love with her, even though there's no real or honest justification for doing so. It's just my own stupidity and so now I have to pay the price and suffer the consequences for my actions. I fucked up. I told her after she left tonight that I'll back off, that she doesn't need to worry about me being all crazy about her anymore and that I completely understand the situation now. It's not her; it's me. I'm the one chasing her. She's just not responding to it and I was blind. It hurts a whole lot to have this type of wake up call, but it's a necessary step. I don't know exactly how long it's going to take me to get over her, though. It may be quite some time because she lives close, I talk to her all of the time and for whatever unknown reason there may be, I fell harder for her than anyone else in my past. I can't explain it and I really don't want to try, but that's just how it is. I'll be in pain for a while, but I'll deal with it. I'll live. Maybe I'll find someone else in the process and maybe I wont find anyone at all, but the bottom line is simply that I need to find something or someone other than this girl. This is one hell of a revelation and I'm going to need massive support from everyone who cares about me to take the necessary steps and get over her, but in due time, I'll be okay.

Next on the list: my cousin's situation. After hanging out with a friend of mine, eating at Buffalo Wild Wings and goofing off, I had my friend take me home to grab some things, then drop me off at my cousin's place. The only reason that I even went over there is because I'm overprotective of people that I care about. Her girlfriend from New York came down here and I was a sort of bodyguard for their first meeting. I wanted to make sure that this girl is legit, help break the ice between her and my cousin and provide protection in the event that she turned out to be a predator or something. My stay at her place was fun, but I wound up getting virtually no sleep and was bored almost the entire time after my cousin went to sleep. My phone died and I forgot my charger; I left it on my desk during the process of rushing out the door because I didn't want to make my friend who was taking me there wait on me forever. I did masturbate in her bathroom using a bit of mild baby oil and images in my head of a certain person that I will not name. I guess that's a bit of humor for any of you who find hilarity in that sort of thing, but for me it was just pathetic. I was seriously just that bored. Other than that, I watched a few movies, played with her puppies, cooked myself some eggs with cheese and toast and also took several showers. The puppies kept me awake all night, the eggs tasted like month-old oil for some reason, the movies were all terrible (aside from Billy Madison, which is a classic) and I had no clean clothes, so the showers didn't do a terrific job of making me feel clean. After meeting up with my cousin's girlfriend, who turned out to be really awesome, I was dropped off at home.

After that, I talked to people and finalized my plans for tonight. A friend and her boyfriend showed up, but only stayed for about 2 hours. They left right as the girl I like was coming in. My other friend showed up right before the girl I like showed up and we made a quick liquor run. I drank enough UV blue vodka to get a very mild buzz, but otherwise we just watched "Zak & Miri Make A Porno", which was both fucking hilarious and incredibly romantic in it's own qwirky way. I must admit that I cried a little near the end and at a part in the middle. I also checked out my stack of games to review, as well as my new GTX 280 video card from NVidia. The video card would run and I could hear the sound from my headphones, etc. but it wouldn't post to my monitor, so I'm assuming that I need a new power supply to get it up and running effectively. Mine doesn't have enough connectors on it to do this thing justice, so I need to drop $100 on something better. Whatever, though. It's worth the money. It'll futureproof me, seal the deal with NVidia and honestly, it's a necessity. If I don't do this, Nvidia and EA are both going to be very disappointed and it could ruin our rep, which I don't want. I'm a man of my word and as such, they'll get their review, for better or for worse, but only as soon as I can get my new power supply. I may just sell a few games to get the new power supply much faster.

And now, here I am, writing this massive blog post. There's still more to talk about, though, so bare with me for a while. For example, my ex-girlfriend from Australia. You see, we've been casually talking lately. Things have been cool. We've been having okay conversation, there haven't been any real arguments and I'm starting to feel like I can trust her again, although I'm sure that she doesn't feel the same way about me again, at least not yet. Today was a little bit farther up that ladder, though; she posted a webcam invite and devoted about half an hour of her time specifically to talk to me and spend time on the webcam with me. She was laughing and smiling a lot, she was very interested in our conversation and she was up and about, showing me all sorts of things she had been into lately. I was quite surprised by this, but it made me happy and in a sense, I'm a bit scared by that. I don't want to fall for her and open that door all over again, but I don't want to just be a dick and walk away from her, either. We could be great friends, but I'd only end up sad if she found another guy or something if I fell for her again. I really love her, even as we speak, despite how I feel about the girl I like. If I could, I'd be with her in a second. She's the only person in this world that I'd go through so much effort for, even if my up-front feelings for the girl I like appear stronger right now. I don't know why things are like this between my ex and I, though. She was reluctant to talk to me just the other night, but now she's all buddy-buddy and opening webcam invites with me again. Something fishy is going on here, so I'll have to proceed with caution, but this isn't the biggest of my problems right now, in my opinion.

There's a lot of other things that have been going on lately that I just don't have the time or will to cover, but they range all over the spectrum, from friendship issues to my future and even my lack of an education. See, I feel like I'm a loser with no future, destiny or hope. I feel like I'm doomed to be single, poor and lonely for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, only a very small handful of people really stick by my side. I'm happy with those people, but I'm unhappy with the fact that so many people just can't be trusted. I confide in people, then they turn around and throw me out like yesterday's garbage. It's just getting old and I really wish people would open up and be real friends. As for my future, I feel like I'm going to end up jobless and in a homeless shelter when my parents pass away or stop supporting me. What if the site I write for doesn't take off properly and succeed? As much as I want it to and as much as I'm going to work to make that happen when the time comes, the possibility is there. And if that happens, then what? Where do I go? Who do I see? Can I even work anywhere else without other real job experience? I don't have a license or a car and I just recently finally set up a basic sliding scale doctor's account. I can finally see a doctor for a charge of $18.80 per visit and I'll be able to restock on inhalers, antibiotics, throat sprays, eardrops and any other things that I don't need a specialist for. I can also pay around $22 per visit to see a psychologist or whatever classification the guy is, which I may actually consider. I could use an unbiased, professional, open-minded opinion. Who knows? Maybe I really do have some sort of disorder or chemical imbalance that can be corrected with modern medicine. I don't want to go down that road if I can avoid it, but if it'll help, I'm more than willing to try it out. That brings me to one of the very few good points of this post: The antibiotics I'm on are working wonders. I'm no longer sick in the least bit and I feel like a million bucks physically, even if my mental state is absolutely fucked. Oh well. Such is life, ya' know? There's not much I can do about it except ride it out and hope that I get a big break at some point. I don't have anyone to turn to for advice or help because my own family is worthless; they discourage me and get in my way, no matter how much I ask for their help. I'm nothing but a burden to them and it's shown through more and more with each passing year of my life. I admit that life has been rough and I'll admit that I've been considering what it'd be like if I were to just..disappear. I don't think that I'm capable of suicide, but I can't lie. As much as I hide it, I've been thinking about it. I'm so, so curious about it. I wonder if I'd be missed and if so, by whom. I wonder who would come to my funeral, if there was one. I wonder who would contact people and who they would contact. I wonder how many people would think I was alive, but just "disappeared"? I wonder what it's like; if there's an afterlife or anything of the sort. I'm not sure how capable I am of suicide, but I've really just been thinking about it. I don't want to leave this world, but I don't want to stay here, either. I'm torn apart and in a state of constant limbo. Every day is a struggle to survive. I have to put on my fake face, laugh all of the time and just force myself to stomach each and every step I take. But I regress; I think I'll live. I hope so, anyway. But in truth, what reason do I really have to live for? My life is looking more and more terrible every time I stop to think about it. Nothing I say or do creates any positive chain reaction. I just hurt and get hurt somehow in every situation. I take things too seriously, but I can't stop doing it. I know what I want, but I can't have it. I know where my heart is, but it's not safe. Really, where does it end? When can I start being fulfilled and living happy? People say they don't pity people like me because they feel that we bring it on ourselves and while that may be true, I don't think it's entirely my own fault, either. I just wish someone would love me, accept me and take me in for who I am and who I can be; not who I used to be or what they want me to be.

As depressing as this is, there's more where that came from. I'm just too tired to fire up any more right now. If you care, show me. Don't walk away and please, don't strike me down. Be there, hold my hand and be a fucking friend. Stop backstabbing me, walking away from me, trailing off and walking all over me like I'm some sort of pet that you can come to when you feel the need to give and receive attention for a few moments. I need to go to bed because tomorrow I have to be well-rested for The Beach House to celebrates a friend's birthday, so that's it for now. Good night. Take care.


No comments:

Post a Comment