I just took 3 diphenhydramine pills, so I'll probably fall asleep and stay out for up to 14 hours. Before I do that, I'm going to tell you what's been going on my mind since my last post, except this time I'm going to do this in a list format for the sake of mindlessness.
1 - I feel as though my life is fucking terrible.
2 - I feel like I'm ugly; on the outside and the inside and that no one will ever see any sort of beauty coming from me in any way, shape or form.
3 - I ate a lot today. My appetite seems to be coming back, but I don't think I'll necessarily crave anything or eat regularly just yet. I think this is just a one-time thing to satisfy a brief need to please myself when no one else was there to help me out.
4 - I'm developed or may have already developed co-dependency issues. I feel the need to have someone around or talking to me constantly. If no one's there, I start getting depressed and I feel empty inside.
5 - I feel the need to be in a relationship. This has changed from a want in passing to a serious addiction that has to be fed at all costs. That's not to say that I'll date or fall for anyone, but being single just feels way, way worse right now than it ever has before. It's a hunger that has to be fed and if it's not fed, I feel dead inside. I still wont date someone who I don't feel is dating material, so don't mistake this for the wrong thing.
6 - It takes me a lot more time to get over someone these days than it ever has in the past. I don't know why, especially given that the girl I like(d) is horrible to me, lies a lot, hides things and just doesn't even act like I'm a human being. You'd think that it would make this much easier to drop her, but it's hard for some reason that I can't quite place.
7 - My friend's other friend; the girl that I rarely see, as I called her before, is actually a very sweet, cute and interesting person. If things go right and I get over the girl I like(d), she might actually be someone that I could really give a chance. I don't think she'd be the type to absolutely destroy me or treat me like an animal. She actually seems like a real human being who understands the concept of empathy and also knows how to treat other people. I'd like to spend a bit more time with her and get to know her. Who knows, right? I doubt she'd even like me, because really..who would? I'm an unattractive lose with no car, no steady paying job and a dull personality. At this point, I'm starting to really wonder. But hey, it could happen. Oh, and did I mention that she actually likes to play a decent variety video games? That's always a plus!
8 - I love my friends, but there are specific people that I intentionally ignore and try not to talk to as often as possible. There's one person in particular that I avoid quite frequently, when in reality he's one of the people I should spend more time with, talk to and give some emotions back to. He's a great friend, but he's very disrespectful of my property and I can't handle that. He trashes my room, takes up way too much space, sprawls out all over the place and can't get comfortable anywhere. It's a pain in the ass. I'm handling it the wrong way, but I don't know any other way to handle that particular situation. I just ignore his calls and have my family screen them, so that they can tell him I'm not home or that I'm sleeping, etc.
9 - I really miss talking to my sister-like best friend as much as I used to. I also miss spending as much time with her as I used to. It feels weird without her. Her boyfriend is a cool guy and he treats her well, but that shouldn't stop her from spending time with me like the good ol' days. There needs to be some sort of balance.
10 - I'm sick and tired of money. It causes problems and with the dead job market, I can't even get hired at McDonald's.
11 - I'm starting to lose my mind.
There's a lot more that I could say, but I'm starting to get tired and I'm watching more of "The Office", so I'm going to stop for now. If I don't head off to bed soon, maybe I'll add a few more things to the list. For now, I leave you with this thought:
"It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions." -Randy K. Miholland
Take care.
-SM
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