RIP Mom Mom; Massive update

Today, there's a whole lot of stuff to discuss. From a death in the family to the deepest thoughts of my heart and mind, I'm a pretty fucked up guy right now.

First and most importantly, the only remaining grandparent I have on my step father's side of the family has passed away. My step father, whom I may as well just call dad because he's the one who raised me, just lost his mother. The rest of their family lost a grandmother, sister, an aunt; just about every family branding that can be thought up. She passed away on April 14, 2009 at the age of 70 due to what I believe was a case of spinal maningitus, which apparently spread to other parts of her body. From what I was told, her kidneys failed first and everything went completely down hill from there. The doctors tried everything they could to bring our loving grandmother back to her feet again, but there just wasn't anything that could be done. She was destined to pass away starting the second she entered the hospital. I'll miss her, as will everyone else in the family. She was an extremely loving and caring woman who opened her arms to just about anyone. She tried her best and successfully held that entire family together for the entire duration of her life. She deserves many awards, for that was surely no small task. She'll always be in our thoughts, never to be forgotten by the tides of time. Mom Mom, may you rest in peace forever. We love you.

On the same subject, the viewing is today. My immediate family bailed out and left me here at home, despite the fact that I made it very well-known that I would not miss this for the world. I don't have an address and I have no transportation. There's virtually nothing I can do. I've been making phone calls all day, but so far, no one has made any effort to get me to the viewing. I'm extremely frustrated, but I have just under five hours left, so I may get lucky at some point. But still, even if I do make it, I don't know exactly how I'll react. I've never been to a viewing or a funeral before and honestly, as much as other major family deaths have impacted me in the past, I've never been able to see the bodies. I've never had to look into the face of death and accept it with my own two eyes. Sure, I have far less closure because of that fact, but it was completely out of my hands in every case. I never even saw the ashes of my own birth father because of his sister, but that's a dark story that I'll save for another time. I'll post it to my other blog when I get the chance, but now just isn't the time.

One thing's for sure, though: I'll be at her funeral tomorrow morning if it's the last thing I do. My Uncle is going and from there, we're going back to my other grandmother's home for the night and the following day. He said that he would make sure I get to that funeral, even if he has to come pick me up himself. He agrees with me on every front; I shouldn't have been left home today. It's fucked up. Still, I'll see her off one last time. I don't follow any sort of religious belief structure because I know far too much about them to fall for the traps that they set, but the entire family believes in the Christian faith, God and Jesus Christ. For all intents and purposes, I don't fit in. Still, I'll see her off to Heaven, which is where she believed she would go when her time came and honestly, I hope that she's right. She, of all people, deserves to go to a much better place. As much as I know that those relgious beliefs are false, I'm still agnostic at heart and someday, when I pass away, I'll cross my fingers and hope that there truly is something grand after life here on Earth and if there is, I'll hope that I can see her and everyone else we've lost when I arrive.

Moving on, though, seeing as I haven't got all day, that girl that I helped hook my brother up with has really been spending a lot of time with him. In fact, I have reason to believe that he had sex with her last night. They went out to TGI Friday's around 9:30PM, but he didn't come back home until close to 4:00AM. It's my belief that he's moving far, far too fast with this girl. We don't know her all that well just yet and while my first impressions were awesome, I currently dislike how hypocritical she comes off as.

You see, my brother told me that this girl complained about me sending her tons of text messages. There are two problems with that. Problem one: she initiated half of the conversation and chose the topics at various points. Problem two: She didn't complain and went along with it, answered my questions and even asked me questions in return. You can't fucking complain about that when you're playing along. If she had a problem with it, she should have said so. Besides, how was I in any way, shape or form doing something wrong? She gave me her phone number, told me she texts a lot and even told me that she was excited about making new friends like my brother and I. I was rather annoyed when my brother told me that, given the circumstances. I like to talk and when someone keeps the conversation going, I'm going to reply. It's called "being a nice guy" and "learning more about people who may be potential good friends". Whatever, though. I haven't sent her a single text message since I found out about that and I'll keep it that way. Fuck that noise.

That brings about a point, though! My ex-girlfriend recently had a series of very deep conversations with me, discussing our relationship together. I was drunk at the time of the first conversation, but what I said was still true. I love her and if circumstances were different, we may have been together, but it just wont work that way. She's all into that other guy and she lives a bit out of the way. We also can't forget the fact that she's extremely slutty, which I didn't actually say to her because I'd rather retain friendship because she's still a cool chick to talk to from time to time. Still, I'm extremely annoyed with the way she's been acting about this whole thing. One minute, she's telling me how much she loves me and flirting with me like I'm the only person with a penis left alive, all while putting this other guy on the spot in order to talk about how she's not "sure about him" and how she doesn't want to be with him. But then, the next minute, literally a part of the same conversation, she's telling me that she wont be home for a few days because she's running off with this other guy. She didn't come out and say it, but I know how she is. She'll fuck his brains out, snuggle up, watch movies, get romantic and just be a girlfriend-like figure while she's there. After she comes home, though, it's back to her old ways. She'll most definitely come running to her horde of men, which includes me of course. When she does, she'll go right back to flirting, making ridiculous jokes, blaming everyone else for her problems and begging us to come visit her with promises of sex and good food. It's pretty disgusting, but that's why I'm trying to keep it platonic. I really hope that she listens to me and believes me when I say that. Otherwise, I'll have to cut her off, for real.

I suppose this should be considered good news, but I'm having a hard time feeling that way about it: My Australin ex-girlfriend hasn't been a part of my life for more than a combined total of roughly a single hour for the past two months or so. We've had very short bouts of conversation, but I just keep gradually being more and more of a dick to her. Eventually, I'll straight up call her a cunt and block her or something. I don't usually do that, but I can feel that sorta' thing building up right now. I don't know why, but I feel a crazy, deep hatred building up for her that I can't really explain. I just want her to rot six feet under. As morbid as that may be, it freaks me the fuck out. I've never felt that way about someone, especially given that she didn't do anywhere near anything as bad to me as other people have in the past. Oh well. I'm sure it's just a phase and that once she's completely out of my life, I'll stop feeling so negative about her.

On the subject of girls and potential relationships, I haven't talked to the girl I could potentially like very much recently. I hope my previous conversation, which was initiated and followed through by her best friend, didn't ruin our friendship. She's awesome and yeah, I'd like to date her at some point, but I'm more than happy with her friendship if it comes down to that. She's an awesome girl with a great sense of humor; what's not to like? Still, I'll give it a rest for a few more days without texting her, then I'll see if she's up for spending some time together next week some time. Chances are, she'll be busy hanging out with her cousin or something, but I'll try anyway.

Speaking of which, my supposed best female friend still hasn't made any effort to contact me. She said "happy easter "/" in a single text message, to which I replied "Happy Easter." and that was it. I haven't said much else to her and I refuse to make contact with her or chase her like a god damn wild animal. We're supposed to be friends. That's not how it works. The sad part, though, is that I'm getting used to not having her around again. I never thought this would happen, but I can't say that I miss her right now, either. I'd rather be left alone than jerked around. Maybe one day she'll pull through, but I highly doubt that'll happen unless she's ever single again. Such is life.

Again on the subject of best friends, one of my best male friends has been acting really weird lately. Ever since he got together with his most recent ex-girlfriend, he's been a douchebag. He's been very disrespectful, rude and uncaring. He acts as though no other problems are important. I've been there for him and I've done my best to bring him out of fits of depression. Not only that, but I always help him dissect every situation with an open mind and together, we reach logical conclusions and honestly, it's never failed us thus far. He always ends up happier and life goes on. But recently, the night that my grandmother passed away, I was very upset and I went to him to talk about it farther. I told a few people about it, but he's the one I chose to really discuss the subject with. I felt like I had to let it all out before my head exploded. When I tried to talk to him, he basically just walked off and ignored me. When I confronted him about it the following day, he gave me an attitude about it. So I laid it on the line and told him the truth about how I felt in relation to his recent attitude. He actually came through, apologized and after we went over all of the details, he went to sleep. Truthfully, I hope he doesn't let this ruin our friendship. He's done things like that before with other people, so there's no telling what'll happen next. I guess I'll just have to reassure him a bit and let him know that he's still a great friend and that I appreciate his apology, among other things. We'll see what happens when it happens, I suppose!

While I'm at it, I'd like to take a moment to release a little bit of honest frustration. During that guy's last relationship, he constantly blamed his girlfriend for everything that was going on. Every time they had a problem, he would tell everyone and essentially convince them that she was the problem, which ultimately led to even more fucked up emotions and their eventual break up. Throughout all of this, I kept telling him that he was just being far, far too jealous for unjustified reasons. To give you an example, any time she went to sleep without saying good night, he'd freak out on her and start an argument that would potentially last for an entire week. He blows everything up to be a huge problem and makes those problems seem far worse than they really are, then places the blame on everyone else. The reality here is that he's at fautl just as much as the other involved parties in nearly every situation. That said, he's a good person and I'm not trying to defame him or make him out to be a bad guy. He just has a lot to learn, ya' know?

Straying away from the whole relationship topic for a while, I've been having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I don't really know why, although it could just be thanks to bent up aggression, frustration and loneliness. I haven't had as much healthy conversation lately, not in person, over a messaging program, over the phone or via text messages. The past few days have felt pretty damn bland. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to make any new healthy friends or develop any real relationships with any new females. I'm also starting to wonder if I have a real future, despite everything I work towards right now.

I have no license, my health situation is pretty damn bad, I don't make any money, it's nearly impossible to find a legitimate job right now in my locale, I've been having more trouble breathing lately, my sleeping schedule is fucked up again, CG seems to be off-beat lately, friends seem less interested in me, I've been having weird phases of sickness that only last for a few hours, my heart is growing cold, I can't lose weight no matter how hard I try; honestly, I could keep going with this "PITY ME NOW!" list forever, but the simple fact is that my life sucks right now. I'm not the only one who feels that way, I know, but that doesn't change the facts. I'm trying, though! I've been trying my best to reach out and meet new people, find a normal job on the side and work on my health situation, but there's only so much I can do. I can't force the cards I want to be dealt to me, so I have to play a bit of the waiting game on the side. Maybe someone out there will help me, who knows?

Anyhow, let's move on to what I've been doing for the past few days. Aside from a complete playthrough of "Rise Of The Argonauts" for the Xbox 360 and the newest episodes of "Chuck" and "Heroes", there hasn't been a whole lot going on since Monday. My family and I have just been trying to deal with the passing of Mom Mom, so I haven't really felt like doing a whole lot. The guy I usually avoid did come over the other day, though. We hung out and played "Rock Band 2" a lot, talked a bit and considered getting drunk, but didn't go through with it because the Yuengling wasn't cold. Yuengling is one of those beers that I absolutely wont drink unless it's ice cold and fresh. However, under those conditions, it is without a doubt one of my favorite things to drink, period. When my buddy left, I basically just sat around doing a whole lot of nothing all day. I played "The Darkness" for Xbox 360 for around two hours, messed around a small bit in "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" and re-organized my game stack by category. I've been trying to make PCSX2 work better all day, but it's an emulator and as such, it just isn't perfect. I think I just need to break out the good ol' PlayStation 2 for some authentic gaming instead of doing it all on my PC. I really wish that my PlayStation 3 was backwards compatible, though.

While we're at it, the videos of the Japanese "Final Fantasy XIII" PlayStation 3 demo are all over the internet. The graphics are extremely impressive for a console title, the voice acting is stellar and the characters are actually somewhat unique this time around. I'm a bit annoyed by the mechanics and one of the characters, but there's not much I can do about that. The biggest problems I have with the game are the odd summoned creature styles and the very simplified combat system. Instead of MP or anything else, Square Enix dumbed the entire thing down to a series of time-based actions. You have a bar that drains based on what you choose to do, but otherwise there are no limits. If you have the strongest spell or technique in the entire game, you could in theory use it every single time your bar is filled. Sure, that seems balanced by the fact that you could also choose to perform many smaller attacks or spells in the same amount of time, but really, we all know how this series works. The strongest stuff is always so much better that it breaks the game once you've obtained whatever said strongest stuff may be. Now I'm not saying that this game is going to suck, but Square Enix better really balance the game out and make the story absolutely amazing or I'll be sorely disappointed. This is the first game that I've been excited for that's been developed by Square Enix directly since the days of the original PlayStation. If they mess this one up, I'll be pretty pissed off. Cross your fingers, guys and girls!

I'm going to wrap this up soon, but before I do, I'm warning you now: There probably wont be an update for a while. I have plans to hang out with my Uncle practically all weekend, where I'll probably grab more Zyrtec and a fresh supply of eye drops for my Dry Eye Syndrome. He already gave me a month supply of Zyrtec and tons of Pataday, which more or less eliminate my allergies when combined. I've felt pretty damn good as far as general allergies go since I started taking them, which was Easter Sunday.

As Porky Pig would say, Th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks! I'll drop by again when I get the chance! Steve out! Take care!

-S