Reconditioning

As I sit here and listen to the tunes of various musicians from around the world, my emotions are starting to pour out. From the most popular tunes of Chris Daughtry to random underground rap, everything just rushes through my brain and eventually, hits my heart, which then in turn opens my eyes to the world around me. This is a state of mind that I rarely get into, but while it lasts, it's time to write. I need to let everything out. Different things over the past month have led me to a few serious realizations that I need to get out. There's no bullshit or funny stories today. There's a serious crack in my heart and it's time to share what's pouring out with those I care about.

Death doesn't bother me. It never has. The loss of someone close to me doesn't even hurt. I admit it, regardless of what I've said in the past. However, it's not because I'm heartless. I love the people I care about and I have a great deal of empathy bound to my genetic code. I don't really understand why, but I don't even usually cry over death. It's just there. However, seeing the dead body of one of my grandmothers in front of my face, laid out in a beautiful coffin, something came over me. I felt as though I woke up. I'd never seen death in front of my face like that before and as enlightening as it was, it felt like a part of me died with her, even though we rarely talked and I never really saw much of her aside from the Christmas season, when just about everyone I know gets together. Staring death in the face, I almost felt like I was going to pass out. I had a mild anxiety attack, but it went far beyond that. It was something I'd never experienced before, but ever since then, I just haven't felt like the same person. I truly can't explain this, as I don't understand it myself just yet, but one thing is for sure: You never know death until you see it first-hand with your own two eyes. Pictures, movies, television; none of that is the same...

To add onto that, I've been a lot more serious lately. I haven't made as many stupid jokes, my Tourette's has been more physical and I've been spending more time with the people who I know care about me. I've also been getting out more, meeting a few new people, focusing on regaining my self-confidence and generally just trying to take care of things. I need to help myself before I can help others...

Which leads me into the next point: Cutting out people who only cause stress. I'm calling a few people out by first name only in order to officially remove them from my life. One of them may read this, but the others wont. Either way, it's time to reveal those who have hurt me...

First of all, my Australian ex-girlfriend. Her name is Kristy and she's a bitch. She's hurt me a good bit and while there's a very large distance gap, I was willing to do what it took and close that gap at all costs for her. She claimed that she was, convinced me to believe some very unbelievable things and ultimately hooked me into loving her. That was probably my biggest mistake of the past few years. I shouldn't have let my relationship with her go beyond casual friendship. She turned out to be a heart breaker and in the end, I found it difficult to remove her from my life. I'm starting to develop that ability, though, which is where this is all leading. I'll explain that in the finale of this section, though!

Next, my other ex-girlfriend. Her name is Emily and she's a cheater, a slut, a liar and a psychopath. She's also a juggalo, but she claims she's "not like the stereotypical juggalos.", which is totally untrue. She lives in Ohio and we were going to be together. We had everything planned out. As with the others, though, something happened and it had to be cut off. I discovered all of the truths about her, including direct proof of everything and shut her out of my life. Eventually, she contacted me again and acted crazy instantly, but then a week or so later, we got talking again and everything was cool. Her and I became good friends again, but she unleashed her psychotic side on me for the last time. I refuse to deal with her bullshit anymore, especially over the dumbest things. She's a big time drama queen and wont take the blame for anything. She's out of my life, but again, I'll get to that.

Now we come to the previous "Girl I like"; the one who broke my heart into a million pieces when I made her a cake the day after Valentine's Day. That, my friends, is Jillian. We'd had a conflict in the past, but it wasn't as bad. She led me on twice, played with my heart, hurt a bunch of other guys on the side and in the end, earned a medal for being the biggest heart breaker that I've liked in recent memory. She really, really got to me and while I'm okay now, I was fucked up for a while because of her. She's been out of my life for a while, but you guys know that already. Still, I had to mention her for the sake of closure.

This last one, I'm not sure if I should name her just yet. I've already dropped her quite a bit on MySpace, ignored a few of her phonecalls and ignored her AIM messages for two days. Either way, it's time that I did away with her. Her and Jillian can go off somewhere and do their own thing. I'll keep to myself and try my best to forget about this one. This, guys and girls, is my supposed best female friend; the one I used to speak very highly of. I did everything with her, told her my deepest secrets and cared for her more than any other human being throughout the course of my life, but she didn't share those feelings and that was pretty much all it came down to. We were fantastic friends; like brother and sister. She didn't really see it that way, though. She lied to me quite a few times, pushed me aside too many times to count, ditched me without saying anything very often and outright ignored me on an almost daily basis. She's the worst offender out of anyone I've ever met, given that I placed my trust into her and in a certain sense, gave her my heart. I never fell in love with her, nor could I ever see her as someone I'd date, but I trusted her enough to guard my heart. She was the one person that I thought I could trust with more than just my life and she broke that trust. Even more than that, she lies to every boyfriend she has and laughs about it, she lies to her parents about nearly everything and she just isn't trustworthy. She denies that she lies, even with proof held in front of her face. She's out of control and there's nothing that anyone can do about it because she genuinely thinks she has no problem. It's fucked up. I don't know exactly how I'll handle the situation with her, but until I figure it out, I'm just going to keep my head up high and ignore her.

Now that it's all in the open, it's time to give you guys the same closure that I've given myself, my ex-best female friend aside. I completely blocked Emily in every way possible and ignored her phone calls. She's done with. I will not speak to her from this day forth. I haven't done so with Kristy yet, but because she hasn't done me as wrongfully as the others, she deserves slightly more remorse and as such, I'll at least give her a nice speech and end it on a good note, but after that, she's also being completely removed from my life. Jillian has been done and over with for quite some time now, however. She tried to talk to me, but I basically ignored her. I sent very basic responses and didn't give her room for a response. Since that short 3 minute conversation, there has been no contact between her and I, although I do keep her on MySpace and AIM. I'll delete all of that information once I'm ready, but for now, it's not necessary.

It's time for a change and the first positive move in my life is to get rid of all negative forces. Once I'm surrounded by friends of a strictly positive nature, I'll move on to the next step. Almost everyone that remains is a positive friend, though, so thankfully there isn't much left to do on this front. Still, it's a bit upsetting to see people who got so close to me disappear from my life. It always is...

I feel very lonely and I need my friends now more than ever, but I need to learn to fortify myself and live on my own. I can't simply rely on everyone else constantly to keep me happy. I need to keep myself happy. I'm still learning how to do that, but games are doing an artificial job for now.

I really wish I were able to see the girl I currently like (yep, she's been upgraded; no point in denying it..I like her). We don't have a chance to see one another often. In her case, it's due to lack of transportation and the fact that she's always hanging out with ehr cousin and best friend. There's no negative reasons and I respect that. I just wish I could spend some time with her and get to know her. She's cute, she's hilarious and she's very respectful. I love how sweet she is and she genuinely cares about people. She has a big heart and it shows. Maybe eventually we'll get a chance to see one another more often. I wont discount her, but I'm finding it hard to get into other girls right now because my sights are set on her. We'll see what happens, as usual.

On that note, I'm done for now. I'm getting rid of people, making new friends and really opening myself up for improvement. I'm starting to become a happier person in general and for me, that's a big deal. Thanks for reading. Take care!

-S